People have a thing for birthdays. Most would celebrate the birthdays of others and some will go to great lengths to celebrate their own. I've been to some pretty epic birthday bashes and I generally had great fun celebrating. It is, of course, a major day for most people in their lives. Most would love to celebrate their birthdays with family and friends and would certainly look forward to it.
I, on the other hand, have grown up not really having a close idea of celebrating my own. For the first decade or so, birthdays have always been celebrated with family. For good reason too. Back then, school starts in December, which meant that we have our month long school holidays in November. That is usually a time that we would travel to Penang, which is where my parents were born and where most of my relatives lived. So I celebrated my birthday there. I remember the times that my birthday were held at fast food joints like McDonalds or A&W because that was considered as a well accepted place to celebrate your birthday. Especially when you are a kid.
The following two decades or so after that changed. Back then there was a major change such that school starts in January and so the month long holidays are in December. This meant that the end of the year exams were in November. And so the rest of my birthdays were celebrated at home, with my parents and my sister. Followed by stern warnings of going back to study for the exams. And so as time passes by, the thought of celebrating my birthday diminishes into almost nothingness. I've gotten to the point that my birthday is just another ordinary day. I haven't gotten to the point of forgetting my own birthday (although I do know a person who sometimes does that) but I certainly lived as though I did.
So even to my working days, I don't really celebrate my own birthday. I don't even tell people my birthday anymore unless severely prompted. I've managed to hide my birthday even from my community group for the 2.5 years that I have been in. I like the quiet and have grown accustomed to it.
This year however, was a little different. One thing led to another and that led to a lot more people figuring out my birthday (and you might have guessed that it has something to do with hedgehogs). And with the recent sermon at church on friendship, it has forced me to reevaluate my current position of not letting people know about my birthday, even to my friends. I've always take the position of being the passive one in the friendship and granted that I have lost quite a few a long the way because of that. I think it is about time that I know the joy of an active friendship.
That should be this decade's resolution.
***
Having being in the cross-fire of a relationship triangle is no fun at all. I can't decide which is worse, being in a relationship triangle or being the middleman to all three people in the triangle.
Even worse, I'm the armchair theorist. I have zero good advice because I have zero experience.
My Seat's Getting Warm
Thursday, November 6, 2014
at
12:08 AM
I have recently walked into an improvised trap set up at a friend's place on wanting to find out about the little incidents that have been brewing up in the house lately. Acting as the middleman and the purveyor of information to a household that seems a bit of a busybody but it turns out there are motives for wanting to extract information out of me. Once again, I am called upon my services to listen to the various relationship situations and to give my opinion about it.
I am really not comfortable about all of this, particularly because of the secrets that I have to keep as well as the moral dilemma about this rather complex situation. The other people in the room don't seem to think so, but I, on the other hand, am not so sure. It is very hard to remain unbiased about these sorts of things and it is just all round hard.
I ended up spending the rest of the night talking to one of them about the whole thing and if there was a time that clichéd relationship quotes were to come, this was the time. Everything from "nice guys finish last" to "guys are just jerks" and even to the somewhat controversial "it's not easy being a guy". We analysed every bit of the situation and try to read between the lines on what all of that meant, which in our case wasn't too difficult at all. But I have a strange feeling that someone is going to get burned in the end. They almost always do.
At the end of the day, I'm just an armchair theorist. A pretty seasoned one at that too.
The first time I have heard of the term was when a friend introduced me to this Japanese skit that has the appearance of seriousness but it's just comedy. And funnily enough, it was a 4 part skit on relationships, particularly how to get yourself a partner. I highly encourage you to watch it, it is hilarious. The term appears in the third part.
It is one of those things where you sort of understand what it means but not really. Took me a long time to figure out what it really means and it turns out I do this all the time. This is usually the approach I take when it comes to people. It's a terrible thing to do most of the time but I still do it anyway. I just like the idea that I am right in a deluded sort of way.
So really I just like thinking about stuff but not really like to get my hands dirty. That is quite possibly the source of all my problems.
***
Since Christmas season is coming soon, I'd like to get away from all the commercialisation of Christmas and also the same ol' Christmas songs playing in the shopping malls and in church. Which leads me to my current ear worm of the week, Giants Must Fall. Great Singaporean band mashing up songs together with a haunting melody on a timeless Christmas song.
Chills on my spine.
***
Another great listen is the new album from Austin Stone Worship, The Reveille Volume 2. Really great instrumental album and if you are a great fan of Explosions in the Sky and The Album Leaf, this is right up your alley. Something unique too, very few church bands venture into the instrumental part (apart from those cheesy piano based instrumentals). What I think most people forget is that it is just as important to the things that are not said as well as the things that are said. And there is a severe lack of good emotive instrumental albums out there among all the usual church bands which can speak volumes as well.
I am really not comfortable about all of this, particularly because of the secrets that I have to keep as well as the moral dilemma about this rather complex situation. The other people in the room don't seem to think so, but I, on the other hand, am not so sure. It is very hard to remain unbiased about these sorts of things and it is just all round hard.
I ended up spending the rest of the night talking to one of them about the whole thing and if there was a time that clichéd relationship quotes were to come, this was the time. Everything from "nice guys finish last" to "guys are just jerks" and even to the somewhat controversial "it's not easy being a guy". We analysed every bit of the situation and try to read between the lines on what all of that meant, which in our case wasn't too difficult at all. But I have a strange feeling that someone is going to get burned in the end. They almost always do.
At the end of the day, I'm just an armchair theorist. A pretty seasoned one at that too.
The first time I have heard of the term was when a friend introduced me to this Japanese skit that has the appearance of seriousness but it's just comedy. And funnily enough, it was a 4 part skit on relationships, particularly how to get yourself a partner. I highly encourage you to watch it, it is hilarious. The term appears in the third part.
It is one of those things where you sort of understand what it means but not really. Took me a long time to figure out what it really means and it turns out I do this all the time. This is usually the approach I take when it comes to people. It's a terrible thing to do most of the time but I still do it anyway. I just like the idea that I am right in a deluded sort of way.
So really I just like thinking about stuff but not really like to get my hands dirty. That is quite possibly the source of all my problems.
***
Since Christmas season is coming soon, I'd like to get away from all the commercialisation of Christmas and also the same ol' Christmas songs playing in the shopping malls and in church. Which leads me to my current ear worm of the week, Giants Must Fall. Great Singaporean band mashing up songs together with a haunting melody on a timeless Christmas song.
Chills on my spine.
***
Another great listen is the new album from Austin Stone Worship, The Reveille Volume 2. Really great instrumental album and if you are a great fan of Explosions in the Sky and The Album Leaf, this is right up your alley. Something unique too, very few church bands venture into the instrumental part (apart from those cheesy piano based instrumentals). What I think most people forget is that it is just as important to the things that are not said as well as the things that are said. And there is a severe lack of good emotive instrumental albums out there among all the usual church bands which can speak volumes as well.
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Churchy Stuff
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
at
12:31 AM
Last Sunday, we witnessed another friend from our Community Group getting baptised at the church anniversary. Since I have joined the Community Group about 2.5 years ago, I have witnessed 3 people who got baptised from my group and it has been a real privilege to see them grow in their faith leading up to their baptisms and the lives they live after that.
The first one who got baptised is a hilarious person who really helps organise a lot of the trips that we have as a group but she's got substance in her faith. To see her go on to lead Bible study in the group is just amazing. She also regularly goes on "fights" with another person in the group and together they remind me of those minions from Despicable Me. The resemblance is uncanny, both wears glasses, one tall and lanky, the other short. Both of them bring much laughter to the group.
The second is a student who came to our group all quiet and was really new to Christianity. At first, I was a little worried that this might be a little overwhelming and that he might not stick to the group, as I have seen too many people being like that. But he rapidly understood and became more active in the group and it is always an encouragement to see how he has matured in the faith. This is also the person who has and does somewhat random things, like taking selfies inside cupboards in Ikea, dressing up as a pirate on Talk Like A Pirate day and cycling to 3 different franchises of doughnut shops for free doughnuts and Spider Man thermals when we went on a ski trip.
And the one who got baptised on Sunday, she is an Australian who is more Asian than most Asians. I don't mean that she can speak better Mandarin than most Asians. She dabbles in a lot of different subcultures like goth, emo, punk, lolita and a touch of cosplaying, mainly the Japanese variety. Knows Japanese and Chinese culture and history better than anyone I know. Still plays Magic The Gathering, Pokemon and Final Fantasy games. Has audio engineering under her belt and plays bass and is proud of the fact that she married a rock star (or at least to her) and is his biggest fan. And yet her devotion to reading the Bible or wanting to know more about the Bible is just as strong, if not stronger. And she cares for a lot of us in the group which is just amazing. She also says the funniest things and sometimes with no filter on. She once thought that the two new people in the group, both from New Zealand, were secretly dating and when she found out that they weren't, she subtly try to make it happen. Because expectation did not match reality. She also asked me to try and date a person that I mentioned quite a bit and when I told her that she was married, she replied with a matching face saying "Well that's disappointing!"
It's not only the great and awesome things that God has been doing in our church over the past few years but also what God has been doing in our community groups as well. To see these three people and the rest of the people who make up the community group go forward makes me glad I stayed on.
***
It seems that Hillsong have been putting up some good content on their site/blog, something that I would have thought to be a bit far fetched to the 5-years-ago-me. Like this on worship leading. I bet more than 80% of churches I've been to don't really do half of the things there or not with the right mindset. This is not rocket science people.
***
The gold standard for mixing songs with sermons has always been Shane and Shane's Embracing Accusation with John Piper delivering the sermon snippet. I'm not a real fan of the song used below, but coupled with Matt Chandler and John Piper's sermon snippets I'd say it ranks up there with Embracing Accusation.
***
This article came to me in a very timely fashion on stepping down in ministry. It is worth the read.
The first one who got baptised is a hilarious person who really helps organise a lot of the trips that we have as a group but she's got substance in her faith. To see her go on to lead Bible study in the group is just amazing. She also regularly goes on "fights" with another person in the group and together they remind me of those minions from Despicable Me. The resemblance is uncanny, both wears glasses, one tall and lanky, the other short. Both of them bring much laughter to the group.
The second is a student who came to our group all quiet and was really new to Christianity. At first, I was a little worried that this might be a little overwhelming and that he might not stick to the group, as I have seen too many people being like that. But he rapidly understood and became more active in the group and it is always an encouragement to see how he has matured in the faith. This is also the person who has and does somewhat random things, like taking selfies inside cupboards in Ikea, dressing up as a pirate on Talk Like A Pirate day and cycling to 3 different franchises of doughnut shops for free doughnuts and Spider Man thermals when we went on a ski trip.
And the one who got baptised on Sunday, she is an Australian who is more Asian than most Asians. I don't mean that she can speak better Mandarin than most Asians. She dabbles in a lot of different subcultures like goth, emo, punk, lolita and a touch of cosplaying, mainly the Japanese variety. Knows Japanese and Chinese culture and history better than anyone I know. Still plays Magic The Gathering, Pokemon and Final Fantasy games. Has audio engineering under her belt and plays bass and is proud of the fact that she married a rock star (or at least to her) and is his biggest fan. And yet her devotion to reading the Bible or wanting to know more about the Bible is just as strong, if not stronger. And she cares for a lot of us in the group which is just amazing. She also says the funniest things and sometimes with no filter on. She once thought that the two new people in the group, both from New Zealand, were secretly dating and when she found out that they weren't, she subtly try to make it happen. Because expectation did not match reality. She also asked me to try and date a person that I mentioned quite a bit and when I told her that she was married, she replied with a matching face saying "Well that's disappointing!"
It's not only the great and awesome things that God has been doing in our church over the past few years but also what God has been doing in our community groups as well. To see these three people and the rest of the people who make up the community group go forward makes me glad I stayed on.
***
It seems that Hillsong have been putting up some good content on their site/blog, something that I would have thought to be a bit far fetched to the 5-years-ago-me. Like this on worship leading. I bet more than 80% of churches I've been to don't really do half of the things there or not with the right mindset. This is not rocket science people.
***
The gold standard for mixing songs with sermons has always been Shane and Shane's Embracing Accusation with John Piper delivering the sermon snippet. I'm not a real fan of the song used below, but coupled with Matt Chandler and John Piper's sermon snippets I'd say it ranks up there with Embracing Accusation.
***
This article came to me in a very timely fashion on stepping down in ministry. It is worth the read.
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No Credentials
Monday, October 27, 2014
at
1:04 AM
So many things that I want to write on but haven't had the time to sit down (or in my case, stand up) and actually write them down.
I think it is a recipe for disaster for anyone to ask me for relationship advice yet people still ask of it from me. Me. Of all people, me. It's either that I have done something good or that people are deluded into hearing what I "have" to say. What good ever come out of asking a single person whose one previous relationship went up in flames because he/she botched it up? I don't even listen to the things I say to people.
I think I should have copious amounts of whiskey/bourbon every time I get asked advice. As I am doing this very moment. On a Sunday night.
Also having good whiskey/bourbon stocked is always a win.
***
I am super stoked that my new desktop is coming tomorrow. My current one is about to kick the bucket. Just in the nick of time.
I think it is a recipe for disaster for anyone to ask me for relationship advice yet people still ask of it from me. Me. Of all people, me. It's either that I have done something good or that people are deluded into hearing what I "have" to say. What good ever come out of asking a single person whose one previous relationship went up in flames because he/she botched it up? I don't even listen to the things I say to people.
I think I should have copious amounts of whiskey/bourbon every time I get asked advice. As I am doing this very moment. On a Sunday night.
Also having good whiskey/bourbon stocked is always a win.
***
I am super stoked that my new desktop is coming tomorrow. My current one is about to kick the bucket. Just in the nick of time.
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Blind Spot
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
at
12:18 AM
It was supposed to be a simple trip to a friend's place, to grab the dining table that my said friend was giving it away due to relocation. Grab table, say thank you and drive home with the goods. But in the end, it ended up being a three day ordeal in trying to help my friend get rid of stuff in preparation to moving out of the country. Needless to say, that this took a hit on my sleeping patterns again.
The root cause of all of this basically boiled down to issues with (pseudo)-relationships and bad planning. But mainly the former. As I got to know more of the context that I was in, in trying to help my friend pack and get rid of stuff, the clearer it became to me that this "relationship" is going to be a rather toxic one if my friend decided to go ahead with it despite our numerous serious concerns about it. We got even more frustrated as we are stressing about the number of things that we have to do for our friend before flying back to the home country for the last time and I'm sure that internally we were all going to break down crying.
While talking it over dinner, some friends of mine aptly shut down any sort of venting lest it turns into something bitter. One in particular said, "We were all in that position before. Weren't we all stupid at one stage or another in a (potential) relationship?". And that made me think, not about the situation that spanned basically the entire week, but the people around me and relationships, both good and bad. Come to think of it, the ones who were at the dinner table all have stories of stupidity in relationships that resulted in train wrecks including yours truly. All of us, have been jaded at some stage to the advice of our friends and sometimes even to our own conscience. We've all gone through train wrecks and somehow we still survived. Because the longing of the affections from another is so strong that it blinds us.
There are people who have gone through their entire lives not knowing what is it like to be part of a train wreck, only acknowledging that relationships are hard but have no real sense of what a fallout might look like. And to that, I say that it is probably good that you have been spared from such things. Then there are the people who have sat in a train wreck, watch everything collide in slow motion, get a whiplash, tumble around and getting injured. Whether you live or you die depends on what happens next. The ones who crawl out, injured and all, understanding what went wrong are the ones who come out wiser. The people at the dining table are part of that group. There is a certain club you join when you know that you have burned yourself and knowing not to do that again. The ones who don't, live to make the same mistakes and with increasing callousness. These are the people who will eventually cause the train wrecks.
Of late, the new friends that I have gotten to know of, all fall in the second group. And you know, that gave me enormous comfort. We have seen the scars and now we have all come out with elevated levels of EQ. This to me, is reality. None of that love at first sight or even first love stuff, though that sometimes happen. Love is a battlefield. I thank God for friends who are more of the S and F side of Myer-Briggs, like the guys at the table, at times like this. Helps bring a lot of order and rationale to something as complicated as relationships. We tend to say things like "I deserve better than this", like the affection of another needs to be held up against some moral standard whether it is your own or an unspoken set of rules, when in reality we are no better if you boil it down. The faster you realise this, with the help of others who have gone through train wrecks, sometimes multiple ones, the better you'd be if/when someone else walks in and suddenly disrupts your life for the better.
Everyone should know the ugliness of relationships gone sour and not shy away from it but to confront it and overcome it with a love that comes with such purity that it cannot come from our own standards. I wish more people are like that.
***
People are getting married and having babies left, right and centre according to the Book of Face. And way too many pictures of that. Time to counter that with pictures of corgis of my own. Now where can I get one?
The root cause of all of this basically boiled down to issues with (pseudo)-relationships and bad planning. But mainly the former. As I got to know more of the context that I was in, in trying to help my friend pack and get rid of stuff, the clearer it became to me that this "relationship" is going to be a rather toxic one if my friend decided to go ahead with it despite our numerous serious concerns about it. We got even more frustrated as we are stressing about the number of things that we have to do for our friend before flying back to the home country for the last time and I'm sure that internally we were all going to break down crying.
While talking it over dinner, some friends of mine aptly shut down any sort of venting lest it turns into something bitter. One in particular said, "We were all in that position before. Weren't we all stupid at one stage or another in a (potential) relationship?". And that made me think, not about the situation that spanned basically the entire week, but the people around me and relationships, both good and bad. Come to think of it, the ones who were at the dinner table all have stories of stupidity in relationships that resulted in train wrecks including yours truly. All of us, have been jaded at some stage to the advice of our friends and sometimes even to our own conscience. We've all gone through train wrecks and somehow we still survived. Because the longing of the affections from another is so strong that it blinds us.
There are people who have gone through their entire lives not knowing what is it like to be part of a train wreck, only acknowledging that relationships are hard but have no real sense of what a fallout might look like. And to that, I say that it is probably good that you have been spared from such things. Then there are the people who have sat in a train wreck, watch everything collide in slow motion, get a whiplash, tumble around and getting injured. Whether you live or you die depends on what happens next. The ones who crawl out, injured and all, understanding what went wrong are the ones who come out wiser. The people at the dining table are part of that group. There is a certain club you join when you know that you have burned yourself and knowing not to do that again. The ones who don't, live to make the same mistakes and with increasing callousness. These are the people who will eventually cause the train wrecks.
Of late, the new friends that I have gotten to know of, all fall in the second group. And you know, that gave me enormous comfort. We have seen the scars and now we have all come out with elevated levels of EQ. This to me, is reality. None of that love at first sight or even first love stuff, though that sometimes happen. Love is a battlefield. I thank God for friends who are more of the S and F side of Myer-Briggs, like the guys at the table, at times like this. Helps bring a lot of order and rationale to something as complicated as relationships. We tend to say things like "I deserve better than this", like the affection of another needs to be held up against some moral standard whether it is your own or an unspoken set of rules, when in reality we are no better if you boil it down. The faster you realise this, with the help of others who have gone through train wrecks, sometimes multiple ones, the better you'd be if/when someone else walks in and suddenly disrupts your life for the better.
Everyone should know the ugliness of relationships gone sour and not shy away from it but to confront it and overcome it with a love that comes with such purity that it cannot come from our own standards. I wish more people are like that.
***
People are getting married and having babies left, right and centre according to the Book of Face. And way too many pictures of that. Time to counter that with pictures of corgis of my own. Now where can I get one?
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Superposition
Sunday, September 7, 2014
at
9:08 PM
Ever since I have been to City On A Hill's Vision Night last month, I have been considering on whether I should concentrate my areas of service to COAH or not. There are a lot of things that are in the pipeline that I am really excited about and it makes me re-evaluate my time spent serving at church. I have been thinking and praying about it for quite a while now and it is not an easy decision on it.
There are a few reasons that it is a difficult thing to decide on but one of the main things is that I would not be involved in music anymore. That is a pretty big thing even though that I am not that good at the music thing. I think it is partly to do with the fact that I am a bassist (Oh, we need a bassist. You look like you can play bass). I love music especially when you get to do really good things for music in church. But in order that I might concentrate my efforts to just COAH means that I will have to give up the whole idea that I can be serving in music. And you know, after months of ruminating about it, I find that it is not a big deal for me to give that up. I'm slowly letting go of what I want to do in church and instead to ask the question what can I do in church. I think being around the people in church has made that leap a bit easier to make. Bass playing shall now be shifted to being a hobby, I'm not much of a performer anyway no matter how much I try.
Another part is that I will be moving away from the very people that I used to hang out and serve when I first came to Melbourne as a student 10 years ago. Even though that most of them wouldn't really think of me now when it comes to events or what nots, I still remember what they were/are to me. It is also the church where I have a proper grounding in the Bible which I am eternally grateful for. 10 years of good Bible teaching, 10 years of serving and 10 years of bad pastor's jokes, it's a lot to move away from and lots have changed. I am really apprehensive about not being apart of all of that. But I think it is time that I begin to make that move. I haven't quite decided yet on when I should make the move but it is in the horizon. I'm sure people will barely notice that I will be gone anyway which would be a lot easier on me.
I kinda wish that I can be at two places at once, but I am not a quantum mechanical being. And so I must choose.
***
Speaking of quantum mechanics, I think I am at the stage where I have met enough people that any other new person that I meet will remind me of people in the past. It is a very strange place to be in, just like the world of quantum mechanics.
Take my new housemate for example. She reminds me of different people depending on what she is doing. The resemblance is uncanny at times. I think the last time I counted she reminds me of at least 5 different people. There is probably more but I haven't observed them yet.
And recently, we have a new comer in our small group who also reminds me of another person that I know. Again the resemblance is uncanny.
I think I am just weird. Weirder than normal. Everyone is weird.
***
Speaking of being weird. This.
Swoon. So good.
***
Speaking of good. This.
She's so cute and massively talented. You should check out the rest of her stuff on her Youtube channel.
There are a few reasons that it is a difficult thing to decide on but one of the main things is that I would not be involved in music anymore. That is a pretty big thing even though that I am not that good at the music thing. I think it is partly to do with the fact that I am a bassist (Oh, we need a bassist. You look like you can play bass). I love music especially when you get to do really good things for music in church. But in order that I might concentrate my efforts to just COAH means that I will have to give up the whole idea that I can be serving in music. And you know, after months of ruminating about it, I find that it is not a big deal for me to give that up. I'm slowly letting go of what I want to do in church and instead to ask the question what can I do in church. I think being around the people in church has made that leap a bit easier to make. Bass playing shall now be shifted to being a hobby, I'm not much of a performer anyway no matter how much I try.
Another part is that I will be moving away from the very people that I used to hang out and serve when I first came to Melbourne as a student 10 years ago. Even though that most of them wouldn't really think of me now when it comes to events or what nots, I still remember what they were/are to me. It is also the church where I have a proper grounding in the Bible which I am eternally grateful for. 10 years of good Bible teaching, 10 years of serving and 10 years of bad pastor's jokes, it's a lot to move away from and lots have changed. I am really apprehensive about not being apart of all of that. But I think it is time that I begin to make that move. I haven't quite decided yet on when I should make the move but it is in the horizon. I'm sure people will barely notice that I will be gone anyway which would be a lot easier on me.
I kinda wish that I can be at two places at once, but I am not a quantum mechanical being. And so I must choose.
***
Speaking of quantum mechanics, I think I am at the stage where I have met enough people that any other new person that I meet will remind me of people in the past. It is a very strange place to be in, just like the world of quantum mechanics.
Take my new housemate for example. She reminds me of different people depending on what she is doing. The resemblance is uncanny at times. I think the last time I counted she reminds me of at least 5 different people. There is probably more but I haven't observed them yet.
And recently, we have a new comer in our small group who also reminds me of another person that I know. Again the resemblance is uncanny.
I think I am just weird. Weirder than normal. Everyone is weird.
***
Speaking of being weird. This.
Swoon. So good.
***
Speaking of good. This.
She's so cute and massively talented. You should check out the rest of her stuff on her Youtube channel.
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Can't Place a Finger On It
Sunday, August 31, 2014
at
1:21 AM
Today is the last day that the housemate is going to be around and will soon be joined by a stranger, at least for now. I am also going to be the sole source of testosterone in the house which should make it interesting.
My housemate left me a note as a parting gift which had a much bigger impact on me than I thought it would have. These were the words that struck me the most
And in just that moment, there was a lot of things that just overcame me.
First thing was that it reminded me of what Matt Chandler was talking about at the Something Bigger event. That we seek for something to fill that satisfaction in us, that we seek out what will make me happy. And people go looking in all the wrong places for that satisfaction. Myself including. This really hit me hard as a reminder that I have been looking for something in other things even though I say that I am not.
The next thing that followed was that perhaps I should continue to remind myself that none of the things that I see or want will bring me happiness because they will ultimately disappoint me. And that it will lead to me further disappointing me which is again something that Matt Chandler has talked about. My career will not bring happiness. My relationships will not bring happiness. Going to church will not bring happiness. Only God can bring me happiness.
Yet another was the fact that I don't even want to know whether I will get what I need in the end. The age old saying of "be careful of what you wish for, for you may actually get it" has never rung a more sinister tone than now. I am looking for something but now I am not so sure that I want to be looking for that something. All the more that I really should be like Paul, to want Christ.
And finally, it seems to me that I only really know how I am doing when it's too late to talk about it further. The feedback that I get from people is too late and usually I'm left with the feeling of regret and somewhat angry that the fact.
The flood of thoughts came in and within half a second, a moment of weakness, I nearly shed a tear. I just felt so broken for the first time in a long time. Cries of "what on earth am I doing" came out from my soul.
And then, I had to shove it back in to help my housemate move.
***
PS: For reference, the song in Heavier Things. The lyrics are pretty telling.
My housemate left me a note as a parting gift which had a much bigger impact on me than I thought it would have. These were the words that struck me the most
You always seem to be looking for something, reminds me of track #3 in Heavier Things. I really hope you find/get what you need.
And in just that moment, there was a lot of things that just overcame me.
First thing was that it reminded me of what Matt Chandler was talking about at the Something Bigger event. That we seek for something to fill that satisfaction in us, that we seek out what will make me happy. And people go looking in all the wrong places for that satisfaction. Myself including. This really hit me hard as a reminder that I have been looking for something in other things even though I say that I am not.
The next thing that followed was that perhaps I should continue to remind myself that none of the things that I see or want will bring me happiness because they will ultimately disappoint me. And that it will lead to me further disappointing me which is again something that Matt Chandler has talked about. My career will not bring happiness. My relationships will not bring happiness. Going to church will not bring happiness. Only God can bring me happiness.
Yet another was the fact that I don't even want to know whether I will get what I need in the end. The age old saying of "be careful of what you wish for, for you may actually get it" has never rung a more sinister tone than now. I am looking for something but now I am not so sure that I want to be looking for that something. All the more that I really should be like Paul, to want Christ.
And finally, it seems to me that I only really know how I am doing when it's too late to talk about it further. The feedback that I get from people is too late and usually I'm left with the feeling of regret and somewhat angry that the fact.
The flood of thoughts came in and within half a second, a moment of weakness, I nearly shed a tear. I just felt so broken for the first time in a long time. Cries of "what on earth am I doing" came out from my soul.
And then, I had to shove it back in to help my housemate move.
***
PS: For reference, the song in Heavier Things. The lyrics are pretty telling.
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Genie-ous
Monday, August 18, 2014
at
12:22 AM
I've been watching lots of talk show programs where Robin Williams was on yesterday and it made me remember why this guy is such a legend. I'm sure there are many sites out there who can do a better job describing why is that so. Some people find him annoying and others are completely shocked when they listened to his stand up acts (they are completely and utterly vulgar, not what you'd expect to hear coming from the guy who voice the Genie from Aladdin).
Jimmy Fallon's tribute to Robin Williams was absolutely spot on when he describes him as a person who can switch between characters in just a split second and he can sell the character so well that it is almost second nature to him. His brain is on overdrive, a master of improvisation, sharp and knows how to get you to laugh.
This is even evident when you are not a fan of vulgarities in his stand up acts. He can say something that is completely inappropriate and vulgar that might cause you to gasp in shock but within the same breath will say or do something that will make you laugh and will forget about what he said for a split second. In other words, this guy is so fast at making you laugh, he short circuits your brain to make you laugh before you have the time to process what he said before, however inappropriate it is.
And of course, let's not forget his amazing performances when he did get serious. Good Will Hunting, Dead Poets Society, What Dreams May Come and many more. This guy is the actor's actor, the comedian's comedian. We will all miss his strange fast paced kind of humour.
I'll end with some of the illustrations just how funny and a riot he is.
Jimmy Fallon's tribute to Robin Williams was absolutely spot on when he describes him as a person who can switch between characters in just a split second and he can sell the character so well that it is almost second nature to him. His brain is on overdrive, a master of improvisation, sharp and knows how to get you to laugh.
This is even evident when you are not a fan of vulgarities in his stand up acts. He can say something that is completely inappropriate and vulgar that might cause you to gasp in shock but within the same breath will say or do something that will make you laugh and will forget about what he said for a split second. In other words, this guy is so fast at making you laugh, he short circuits your brain to make you laugh before you have the time to process what he said before, however inappropriate it is.
And of course, let's not forget his amazing performances when he did get serious. Good Will Hunting, Dead Poets Society, What Dreams May Come and many more. This guy is the actor's actor, the comedian's comedian. We will all miss his strange fast paced kind of humour.
I'll end with some of the illustrations just how funny and a riot he is.
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Knocking on Heaven's Doors
Thursday, August 14, 2014
at
11:10 PM
Because I fall sick so infrequently, my mind tends to wander a lot when I actually do fall sick. To give you a context on how infrequently I fall sick, the last time that I actually fell sick was back in 2008. Normally, being sick is usually get the cold and I tend to recover from that pretty quickly.
When I fall sick, the first thing that I usually think of is "Oh God. It's finally here. I have terminal cancer". Or something along those lines. Because there were no signs prior to actually getting sick, I'd always assumed that I am going to kick the bucket in like 6 months or so. And that's where my mind will continue to wander, trying to entertain the thought that I am going to leave this world in a very short time.
The usual things that I think about while in this "death bed" mode are usually my regrets. I'm sure that everyone will at some stage reach this point when you see Death approaching you from afar and heading your way. Right now the number one thing that I regret is not telling the people I love that I love them. I guess this is from growing up in a family where my father never really expresses himself to his children a lot until a crisis hits, usually by then it is too late. And I think from listening to a sermon recently on Ephesians 6 about parents, this kinda changed my thinking a lot. Being sick now makes me think that this change is too late for it to be meaningful, and that sucks.
I think the next thing that I will regret is not being able to break out of the face of rejection from people, especially from the people that have an interest in. I think years of self examination on how I have failed in a relationship (and horribly for that matter) makes me feel that I should be ready for one more try at it. Lady Antebellum puts it nicely in a song Ready To Love Again. But all this talk about being entitled to another chance is hogwash. I am not, no, never, entitled to another chance. I am given grace for another chance. But in the midst of being in "death bed" mode, one can't help but to think of it that way. Soon after, I'll slap myself saying that is all nonsense.
The other things that I usually end up thinking is how I am going to avoid breaking the news to friends that I have 6 months to live. I usually don't deal well with friends crying or just an overall sense of impending loss. And so because of that I have always wanted to go quietly. In fact, I've once asked people, if they had a say on how they were to go, how would they want to go. Mine was without a question, that I was going to go alone. Now I understand that some people think that it is pretty selfish of wanting to die alone, similar to those who have committed suicide (by the way, I am not suicidal). With the recent news of Robin Willliams suicide, that is now a pretty grey area and subject to much discussion. Anyway, I think the words to this song made me think that it might be a good thing or at least in theory, discarding all the things of this world all for the sake of getting Jesus. Paul even says so for himself in Philippians 1.
It seems so silly that just having a cold and I think a lot about death. But living the Christian life means that death is not the be all and end all, but there is God at the end of life. And so the words of the 1 Corinthians 15 and this song below puts it clearly that we should not fear death or shudder at the thought of death.
Panadol time!
When I fall sick, the first thing that I usually think of is "Oh God. It's finally here. I have terminal cancer". Or something along those lines. Because there were no signs prior to actually getting sick, I'd always assumed that I am going to kick the bucket in like 6 months or so. And that's where my mind will continue to wander, trying to entertain the thought that I am going to leave this world in a very short time.
The usual things that I think about while in this "death bed" mode are usually my regrets. I'm sure that everyone will at some stage reach this point when you see Death approaching you from afar and heading your way. Right now the number one thing that I regret is not telling the people I love that I love them. I guess this is from growing up in a family where my father never really expresses himself to his children a lot until a crisis hits, usually by then it is too late. And I think from listening to a sermon recently on Ephesians 6 about parents, this kinda changed my thinking a lot. Being sick now makes me think that this change is too late for it to be meaningful, and that sucks.
I think the next thing that I will regret is not being able to break out of the face of rejection from people, especially from the people that have an interest in. I think years of self examination on how I have failed in a relationship (and horribly for that matter) makes me feel that I should be ready for one more try at it. Lady Antebellum puts it nicely in a song Ready To Love Again. But all this talk about being entitled to another chance is hogwash. I am not, no, never, entitled to another chance. I am given grace for another chance. But in the midst of being in "death bed" mode, one can't help but to think of it that way. Soon after, I'll slap myself saying that is all nonsense.
The other things that I usually end up thinking is how I am going to avoid breaking the news to friends that I have 6 months to live. I usually don't deal well with friends crying or just an overall sense of impending loss. And so because of that I have always wanted to go quietly. In fact, I've once asked people, if they had a say on how they were to go, how would they want to go. Mine was without a question, that I was going to go alone. Now I understand that some people think that it is pretty selfish of wanting to die alone, similar to those who have committed suicide (by the way, I am not suicidal). With the recent news of Robin Willliams suicide, that is now a pretty grey area and subject to much discussion. Anyway, I think the words to this song made me think that it might be a good thing or at least in theory, discarding all the things of this world all for the sake of getting Jesus. Paul even says so for himself in Philippians 1.
When I've come to die (x3)
Give me Jesus
Give me Jesus (x2)
You can have all this world
But give me Jesus
It seems so silly that just having a cold and I think a lot about death. But living the Christian life means that death is not the be all and end all, but there is God at the end of life. And so the words of the 1 Corinthians 15 and this song below puts it clearly that we should not fear death or shudder at the thought of death.
O Death, where is your sting?
O Hell, where is your victory?
Panadol time!
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Brain Fart
Thursday, August 7, 2014
at
11:13 PM
I am having such a hard time to write now. So many things in my head and I don't know where to start. Perhaps I just need a person to confide in to pour out all the dumb things and feelings in my head to relieve the pressure, and maybe sleep well again. But I have trust issues. Phooey.
So there.
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Complimentary Decision
Sunday, August 3, 2014
at
3:36 PM
I've recently caught up with a friend that I haven't seen in yonks and he turns out to be working in the building next to the one that I am in. So that was convenient. It's one of those cold rainy afternoons where there is nowhere else to go but the daggy looking food court nearby just to have a chat. Good thing is that the both of us weren't that hungry for lunch so the daggy food court wasn't a big deal.
He seems to be doing great and I somehow manage to fish out some information about him that I suspected to be true. Pro tip: act like you don't know and you can much fish out anything if they were true and if you play your conversational cards right. Know this and you can also call that out on others as well trying to do the same thing to you.
Anyway, one thing led to another and the question came up was that how did he decide to stop going to the church that I am still somewhat involved and concentrated in the current church, which is also the church that I am calling my main base. Of course many kinds of analysis came out but the one that really stuck with me was that he had reached a point where he cannot identify with the community of that church and though he was initially involved with various ministries, he found that he was not committed most of the time. Probably partly due to the culture that we have grown so used to all these years. All the energy invested with little fruit finally gave way. He has also stated that he feels more a part of the current church community with lots of opportunity to serve but the important thing is that he is part of a community that dives into the deep difficult parts and not be afraid to talk or do the things that needs to be done. He says that when he finally decided, he didn't really look back.
I don't necessarily see that this is going to be me later but I can definitely identify with lots of things that he has mentioned. In fact, catching up with my friend and unknowingly end up talking about this matter comforted me in a lot of ways. For it is a question of huge importance as I consider what am I going to do with my time. Hugely important question. And it will start to manifest itself when the great housemate swap begins.
Please don't misunderstand me in saying that the church is "bad". Every church is broken in some way or the other, the sooner we realise this, the better. In fact I owe a huge deal to this church that I am considering to step down from all roles (and above all, to God for bringing me to this church in the first place). But there is a time and place to move on (or sometimes stay). Right now, I'm the Schroedinger cat of staying and moving on. Something needs to open the box.
***
There's this article on the Relevant magazine which kinda shook me up a little. It's an article about what is humility but focusing on the what is not humility practically. The first two points is obvious and anyone who has known me for more than 5 minutes can safely say that I don't do this (with 95% confidence).
The last two points however are the ones that sucker punched the inner man. I can never take a compliment and I redirect anything to do with my abilities somewhere (hopefully God). Now in light of this, it's actually think that it is quite insulting to God to not take a compliment. Seemingly reject the talents that God has given you under the pretence of humility is a big no and something that I have been doing since as long as I can remember. And I think this goes well with what C.S. Lewis says on the topic of humility:
True humility is not thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less.
Not taking a compliment, I'd say, is really the former. Taking a compliment is not the same as bragging, as obvious as that seem to sound. Of course, ultimately it still should wind up pointing to the one who gave you these talents. Taking a compliment should be an acknowledgement that God has given you something that can be used for the good of others. And of course not on self.
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With Trembling
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
at
10:39 PM
Been attending a Bible Study Foundation session that has just started recently. There are a few good things about this as well as some short comings about how things are done here. But you can't have every thing. It's just another avenue to study the Bible. This month we have started reading the book of Philippians and it has been good so far. And then songs get stuck in your head. One in particular is a song that has frequented our Sunday church services is Rejoice and this is a theme that spans throughout the book and it is a great reminder and summary of what is in the book of Philippians. Also it has monster potential for epic sound if done correctly which should and must be in a song like Rejoice. Which ties in with our church series in Ephesians recently about speaking through song.
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AZN
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
at
10:30 PM
And now for something completely different from the usual jibber-jabber. This.
And especially this.
High-larious.
***
Ok so that was half true in the end. Every week at least once I have the "What on earth are you doing?" mode on the way back home. It is the worst. It's feeling a lot like 2010. Ok, a bit better than that. But still.
And especially this.
High-larious.
***
Ok so that was half true in the end. Every week at least once I have the "What on earth are you doing?" mode on the way back home. It is the worst. It's feeling a lot like 2010. Ok, a bit better than that. But still.
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News Week
Sunday, July 27, 2014
at
9:33 PM
It has been a rather surprising week in the news both locally and internationally. By now that every one would have heard about the terrible event that was the downing of the Malaysian Airlines flight over the Ukraine. It was of course a terrible shock to the whole world and everyone has the right to be angry about how on earth can this happen. Not to mention that assaults on Gaza by the Israeli military with rockets flying here and there. Thousands of lives needlessly lost just by those two incidents.
Meanwhile, locally in my circle of friends, more grief appears as well. A friend of a friend was on board the Malaysian flight that went down. Another friend lost her dad just weeks before her wedding. It's so difficult to read news after news on Facebook, whether it is the lives lost because of conflict or being at the wrong place at the wrong time or just plain tragic.
It is one of those times where I am reminded that we live in a broken world and horrific events like these humble me, sober me and point me to the day where all will be made right again.
And then there is the sudden news that there is going to be a housemate swap. While that is rather sudden but it was soon explained why that was to happen and it made total sense. So in about a month's time, there will be a new face in the house. The thing that is bothering me right now about this is that the divide between my involvement with the other church that I go to is going to get even bigger with this move. Which is now forcing me to think really hard on whether should I decide to concentrate my efforts on the current church that I am going right now and step down from my roles in the other church that I go to. This seems like it is heading down to sunk cost territory because there is a lot of history there and a lot of personal investment in that church, in fact, it is the place where I got to know God more thanks to the friends that have brought me to this church 10 years ago.
The strange thing is that I have toyed with the idea of moving out, to having my own place alone somewhere for some time now. The reasons for the toying around will remain a secret for now but I think it matters not. Accompanying that are the thoughts on whether people will really know that I am not around. I was once told that if I were gone for a couple of weeks, people would notice. I have my doubts about that statement but not that I care about what people think about me anyway.
Perhaps that this is a sign from God, guiding me to places and people that I am to be apart of their lives. Whether it is for ministry, small group or even just a new circle of friends to be with.
A time to move on.
PS: Silently freaking out on the PR application now. I really don't want to think about it.
PPS: It has also dawned upon me that this blog is starting to run past its intended use. Yet I still need an outlet and journalling doesn't fit. Perhaps that I still need the illusion that I am actually saying something important to someone out in the digital world. I'll think about it somemore.
Meanwhile, locally in my circle of friends, more grief appears as well. A friend of a friend was on board the Malaysian flight that went down. Another friend lost her dad just weeks before her wedding. It's so difficult to read news after news on Facebook, whether it is the lives lost because of conflict or being at the wrong place at the wrong time or just plain tragic.
It is one of those times where I am reminded that we live in a broken world and horrific events like these humble me, sober me and point me to the day where all will be made right again.
And then there is the sudden news that there is going to be a housemate swap. While that is rather sudden but it was soon explained why that was to happen and it made total sense. So in about a month's time, there will be a new face in the house. The thing that is bothering me right now about this is that the divide between my involvement with the other church that I go to is going to get even bigger with this move. Which is now forcing me to think really hard on whether should I decide to concentrate my efforts on the current church that I am going right now and step down from my roles in the other church that I go to. This seems like it is heading down to sunk cost territory because there is a lot of history there and a lot of personal investment in that church, in fact, it is the place where I got to know God more thanks to the friends that have brought me to this church 10 years ago.
The strange thing is that I have toyed with the idea of moving out, to having my own place alone somewhere for some time now. The reasons for the toying around will remain a secret for now but I think it matters not. Accompanying that are the thoughts on whether people will really know that I am not around. I was once told that if I were gone for a couple of weeks, people would notice. I have my doubts about that statement but not that I care about what people think about me anyway.
Perhaps that this is a sign from God, guiding me to places and people that I am to be apart of their lives. Whether it is for ministry, small group or even just a new circle of friends to be with.
A time to move on.
PS: Silently freaking out on the PR application now. I really don't want to think about it.
PPS: It has also dawned upon me that this blog is starting to run past its intended use. Yet I still need an outlet and journalling doesn't fit. Perhaps that I still need the illusion that I am actually saying something important to someone out in the digital world. I'll think about it somemore.
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Persistence is Futile
Sunday, July 20, 2014
at
12:40 AM
One of the key things that we have as human beings is the ability to persist in a task, trying all possible solutions until one achieves their goal. But having the ability to persist is really the easy part. The difficult part is the ability to know when to keep going and knowing that you are heading in sunk cost territory. This I think defines a lot of our successes or at least it is one of the major factors for those successes.
I still have no clue when to keep trying or when to give up.
Often times where I keep going, I end up investing more into it but ultimately it was a lost cause and got burned flat out and other times I gave up knowing that I should have kept on. This is the sort of thing that keeps me up at night. How the hell do I know when to do what? Perhaps is the paralysis of fear that is really the issue, just that it manifests itself in the form of the question on when to persist. Recently I watched Wicked on theatre and was reminded of the lion with no courage in the musical, that lion eventually made its way to the Wizard of Oz story. I think that is me. This too keeps me up at night. By the way, the current cast for Wicked in Melbourne is not that great. This too keeps me up at night.
We all persist up to a point, there is no changing that. I just don't know where that point is and the consequences are personality-changing.
I smell like curry...
I still have no clue when to keep trying or when to give up.
Often times where I keep going, I end up investing more into it but ultimately it was a lost cause and got burned flat out and other times I gave up knowing that I should have kept on. This is the sort of thing that keeps me up at night. How the hell do I know when to do what? Perhaps is the paralysis of fear that is really the issue, just that it manifests itself in the form of the question on when to persist. Recently I watched Wicked on theatre and was reminded of the lion with no courage in the musical, that lion eventually made its way to the Wizard of Oz story. I think that is me. This too keeps me up at night. By the way, the current cast for Wicked in Melbourne is not that great. This too keeps me up at night.
We all persist up to a point, there is no changing that. I just don't know where that point is and the consequences are personality-changing.
I smell like curry...
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I ♥ NY
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
at
11:27 PM
There has been this page on Facebook that a lot of friends share or like the posts on that page. That page is called Humans of New York. The idea is kind of the style of The Sartorialist but with a story that comes with the person in the frame. Each one of them has a unique story in their own lives and it is pretty compelling. Even without hearing them give their story you can almost imagine what that would sound like. Each of their stories range from the hilarious to the inspirational to sometimes the grey areas in life. I suspect that most of my friends who share these posts tend to be one the inspirational side but I much prefer all the other stories that are shown in the page.
I was just looking back at all the photos that I have taken during my trip to the States and reflecting on my trip in New York has shown me why I love that Facebook page. Looking back at the conversations that I have with strangers while I was out (mostly) looking for food and drinks, each one of them has a story to tell. I remember clearly that while I was at a bar that a friend urged me to go because it was a particularly unique way to get into the bar, I just randomly talked to this dapper looking old man just having orange juice. In a really must-be-in-the-know kind of cocktail bar which strikes me as odd. Later I found out that he is a photographer and contributer to the New York Times and has written a few books. He told me that he has been sober for over 10 years but he still likes going to bars because of the atmosphere but of course he never orders any alcohol. He then gave me a crash course in all things Manhattan and some of his travels for stories or ideas for books that he would like to write and some local history in journalism in New York. We talked for hours and was a very interesting person. I remember that I got back to the apartment that I was staying in at around 3 am and the bar was literally next door from the apartment. I also kinda fixed his computer at the bar as well which was not bad considering that I was half tipsy. Another fun fact about this guy which I thought was somewhat amazing was that he was still using an AOL email account as his main point of contact. Wow.
And this is just one of the people that I ended up striking conversations with while at this amazing city. Though I was there for a week I didn't get to fill all of the days with encounters like these but even just one is an experience already. But each one of them has a unique story about them that is just great to listen to them. And this Facebook page was definitely a reflection of what I experienced while I was there. On hindsight, had I went with someone or a group of people to New York, chances are that I won't be able to experience this part of New York, the locals living life in this great city. I (or rather, we) would have been so busy trying to explore the geographical parts of the city and the must have experiences in and around the island that we would have missed this entirely different side of the city, the people.
The ironic thing about some of these amazing encounters with strangers there is that I am more honest in front of them that I do with most of my friends. I guess it is because that I know that it is unlikely that I will meet them again and whatever secrets or things I tell them is not likely to come back to me in one way or another. Maybe bars are the place is the right atmosphere to be completely transparent and not be judged. So many movies depict this and I can see why this is such a cliche but that is just because it is true. Conversations late at night at the bar, laughing and listening, though usually it is always a guy and a girl and somehow eventually makes out or something ridiculous like that. Much to the disappointment of my readers, that sort of thing did not happen while I was there. Because I am such a square and I am not that interesting of a person. Point being is that moderate amounts of alcohol does things to you apart from the physiological effects of alcohol, social interaction becomes very different in a non-drunk way.
I wonder if there is that kind of character in the people of Melbourne. As in, if there is a Humans of Melbourne Facebook page, would the stories and the people be as captivating and unique as the New York page? I suspect not, we are probably too much of a hipster bunch. Still, I would like to see someone try.
I was just looking back at all the photos that I have taken during my trip to the States and reflecting on my trip in New York has shown me why I love that Facebook page. Looking back at the conversations that I have with strangers while I was out (mostly) looking for food and drinks, each one of them has a story to tell. I remember clearly that while I was at a bar that a friend urged me to go because it was a particularly unique way to get into the bar, I just randomly talked to this dapper looking old man just having orange juice. In a really must-be-in-the-know kind of cocktail bar which strikes me as odd. Later I found out that he is a photographer and contributer to the New York Times and has written a few books. He told me that he has been sober for over 10 years but he still likes going to bars because of the atmosphere but of course he never orders any alcohol. He then gave me a crash course in all things Manhattan and some of his travels for stories or ideas for books that he would like to write and some local history in journalism in New York. We talked for hours and was a very interesting person. I remember that I got back to the apartment that I was staying in at around 3 am and the bar was literally next door from the apartment. I also kinda fixed his computer at the bar as well which was not bad considering that I was half tipsy. Another fun fact about this guy which I thought was somewhat amazing was that he was still using an AOL email account as his main point of contact. Wow.
And this is just one of the people that I ended up striking conversations with while at this amazing city. Though I was there for a week I didn't get to fill all of the days with encounters like these but even just one is an experience already. But each one of them has a unique story about them that is just great to listen to them. And this Facebook page was definitely a reflection of what I experienced while I was there. On hindsight, had I went with someone or a group of people to New York, chances are that I won't be able to experience this part of New York, the locals living life in this great city. I (or rather, we) would have been so busy trying to explore the geographical parts of the city and the must have experiences in and around the island that we would have missed this entirely different side of the city, the people.
The ironic thing about some of these amazing encounters with strangers there is that I am more honest in front of them that I do with most of my friends. I guess it is because that I know that it is unlikely that I will meet them again and whatever secrets or things I tell them is not likely to come back to me in one way or another. Maybe bars are the place is the right atmosphere to be completely transparent and not be judged. So many movies depict this and I can see why this is such a cliche but that is just because it is true. Conversations late at night at the bar, laughing and listening, though usually it is always a guy and a girl and somehow eventually makes out or something ridiculous like that. Much to the disappointment of my readers, that sort of thing did not happen while I was there. Because I am such a square and I am not that interesting of a person. Point being is that moderate amounts of alcohol does things to you apart from the physiological effects of alcohol, social interaction becomes very different in a non-drunk way.
I wonder if there is that kind of character in the people of Melbourne. As in, if there is a Humans of Melbourne Facebook page, would the stories and the people be as captivating and unique as the New York page? I suspect not, we are probably too much of a hipster bunch. Still, I would like to see someone try.
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Back To Reality
Monday, July 7, 2014
at
11:34 PM
Settling back to routine after a one month crazy holiday feels a bit weird. It is like you are neither here nor there. For the last two weeks at work, I am constantly frustrated at how unproductive I am at work. In fact, I think that I am counter productive at work. All I have been doing is continuous integration work and not really much coding, much to the dismay of my already rusty coding skills.
Not only that I am counter productive at work, but I've become a terrible procrastinator as well. Last Saturday, I spent the whole day in my room and only venturing out for water and the bathroom. And all I did was sleep, read some stuff, play some games and rinse and repeat. By the end of the day, I was already sick of myself. Just to rub a little more salt on the procrastinating wound, when I went to church the next day and caught up with a friend that I haven't seen in awhile, she told me that she's basically got a million and one things to do and by the time that she was ready to go to church she had already smashed a lot of things down. On the plus side, there was a "the grass is greener on the other side" look on the both of us which I think was pretty funny.
But the thing that is slowly dawning upon me is that while settling back to the normal routine of work and all, settling back on dealing with my personal issues is much harder. Think of it as the one month escapist answer to the problems. Of course I didn't really think that my problems will be gone if I just leave it all behind while I go galavanting around in another continent. But I effectively thought it will be gone. Coming back and seeing all the pieces on the floor just the way I left them is a little disheartening and frankly don't really know what to do with them. I probably had more of an idea on how to handle it before I left and now I just don't know what to do. At times like these, I wish the "git reset --hard" command would work now, which by the way is an immensely useful tool at work.
I just feel so stupid for all my actions.
Not only that I am counter productive at work, but I've become a terrible procrastinator as well. Last Saturday, I spent the whole day in my room and only venturing out for water and the bathroom. And all I did was sleep, read some stuff, play some games and rinse and repeat. By the end of the day, I was already sick of myself. Just to rub a little more salt on the procrastinating wound, when I went to church the next day and caught up with a friend that I haven't seen in awhile, she told me that she's basically got a million and one things to do and by the time that she was ready to go to church she had already smashed a lot of things down. On the plus side, there was a "the grass is greener on the other side" look on the both of us which I think was pretty funny.
But the thing that is slowly dawning upon me is that while settling back to the normal routine of work and all, settling back on dealing with my personal issues is much harder. Think of it as the one month escapist answer to the problems. Of course I didn't really think that my problems will be gone if I just leave it all behind while I go galavanting around in another continent. But I effectively thought it will be gone. Coming back and seeing all the pieces on the floor just the way I left them is a little disheartening and frankly don't really know what to do with them. I probably had more of an idea on how to handle it before I left and now I just don't know what to do. At times like these, I wish the "git reset --hard" command would work now, which by the way is an immensely useful tool at work.
I just feel so stupid for all my actions.
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Stranger Than Fiction
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
at
10:59 PM
With no jet lag to battle, this week so far has been a lot better than I expected. On one hand, it is good to see familiar faces again, and on the other, I really miss the hustle of the places that I have visited while in North America. Each city has its own charms and really depends on what you feel like. For example, Vancouver has really nice hiking trails and outdoor-sy stuff, San Fran has nice suburban houses, New York has a certain bustle that just cannot be placed into words that I like and Chicago is a nice town with a lot of potential.
There is a lot that I have experienced during the month that I was away, mostly was good and something that I would encourage people to try the same because there is nothing quite like it when you travel alone. For example, eating and drinking solo. You can somehow be in a conversation with a completely random stranger and learning how to start the conversation with others usually brings you to unexpected areas. And I think one of the things that I learned from travelling alone is that while you strike a conversation with strangers and generally having a good time then, it gives you a renewed sense of gratitude towards your own friends.
Other times, you learn that sometimes the strangest things happen to you and even stranger still are the ways in which these things end up resolving. The one thing that will definitely be a story that is worth telling over and over again (we are talking grandkids story telling worthy here) is the time that I lost my wallet at the airport and the utterly extraordinary way in which I got back my wallet with everything intact. I have contemplated whether I should spill the beans here but I think I have decided against that. It's a bit lengthy but more importantly, it is the delivery that matters and gives a much bigger impact to the listener. Detailing every thing here makes it look very sterile and somewhat less extraordinary than it actually is (seriously, this one's a doozy). So, to those out there reading this and really want to find out, let's do it over coffee (or better yet, cocktails and/or bourbon). This story will now supersede the story of how I was mugged (albeit rather noobishly). Actually the mugging story has now been relegated to third place because of the story of the lost wallet and another somewhat embarrassing story that also took place while I was touring around.
I've had a good long self reflection time while waiting on the plane to get back to Melbourne and I can clearly see that God has been protecting me for the entire trip and even taught me a lesson or two about how God has everything under control. About 3 months back, the pastor of my church asked the congregation to secretly write out our rants about God and the cards that we wrote on will be mailed back to us after 3 months for us to look back about what God has done during those 3 months. I've mostly forgotten what I've written but when I came back home, I got the card back. I mainly wrote about how I don't know where God is leading me and what the future holds and that I have to fend for myself, that I feel the absence of God. I think just looking back at the past month itself has been a testament that God has definitely shown himself and that he has shown that he is working in all things. While I still worry about the future, I think much has been given to me to have full confidence that God is not absent nor lazy.
There is a lot that I have experienced during the month that I was away, mostly was good and something that I would encourage people to try the same because there is nothing quite like it when you travel alone. For example, eating and drinking solo. You can somehow be in a conversation with a completely random stranger and learning how to start the conversation with others usually brings you to unexpected areas. And I think one of the things that I learned from travelling alone is that while you strike a conversation with strangers and generally having a good time then, it gives you a renewed sense of gratitude towards your own friends.
Other times, you learn that sometimes the strangest things happen to you and even stranger still are the ways in which these things end up resolving. The one thing that will definitely be a story that is worth telling over and over again (we are talking grandkids story telling worthy here) is the time that I lost my wallet at the airport and the utterly extraordinary way in which I got back my wallet with everything intact. I have contemplated whether I should spill the beans here but I think I have decided against that. It's a bit lengthy but more importantly, it is the delivery that matters and gives a much bigger impact to the listener. Detailing every thing here makes it look very sterile and somewhat less extraordinary than it actually is (seriously, this one's a doozy). So, to those out there reading this and really want to find out, let's do it over coffee (or better yet, cocktails and/or bourbon). This story will now supersede the story of how I was mugged (albeit rather noobishly). Actually the mugging story has now been relegated to third place because of the story of the lost wallet and another somewhat embarrassing story that also took place while I was touring around.
I've had a good long self reflection time while waiting on the plane to get back to Melbourne and I can clearly see that God has been protecting me for the entire trip and even taught me a lesson or two about how God has everything under control. About 3 months back, the pastor of my church asked the congregation to secretly write out our rants about God and the cards that we wrote on will be mailed back to us after 3 months for us to look back about what God has done during those 3 months. I've mostly forgotten what I've written but when I came back home, I got the card back. I mainly wrote about how I don't know where God is leading me and what the future holds and that I have to fend for myself, that I feel the absence of God. I think just looking back at the past month itself has been a testament that God has definitely shown himself and that he has shown that he is working in all things. While I still worry about the future, I think much has been given to me to have full confidence that God is not absent nor lazy.
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Wanderlust
Sunday, June 8, 2014
at
4:52 PM
TL;DR
Canada is freaking beautiful, San Fran is quaint but weird weather, WWDC was a blast.
***
I was kinda upset that I couldn't get to go to Vancouver to see my sister on Saturday and that there was nothing that I can do about it, even though the whole passport approval came in the nick of time. Not to mention the short term panic that I caused at work in trying to be able to get to the airport and to Sydney in 3 hours. I felt super bad about it considering that I really want to spend more time with the sister. But I think on hindsight, it worked out better than I thought. Instead of 6 days, I got 4 days when initially I thought it was going to be 3. And it turned out that it was just nice to cover a lot of things in those short 4 days, though I wish that I could do more hikes in Vancouver. Damn, the hikes in Canada are spectacular and there is nothing quite like it anywhere in Australia or at least the ones I have been so far. Not to mention eating a lot, drinking lots of cocktails (seriously, they are like at least 2 times cheaper than what you get in Australia, even as extreme as 4 times cheaper) and exploring the area. Vancouver has got some really nice spots though some areas get pretty dodgy pretty quickly.
San Fran is also a really nice place though again there are some parts that dodgy. Plus some areas smells like pot. And there are a lot of homeless people around here. I didn't remember that the last time that I was here. But the northern area of San Fran is really nice, the houses are just so nice and the apartments with all the fire escape ladders outside. Also there is a reason that most of the inhabitants of this city is so healthy, the amount of hills that you have to climb is just nuts. And not only that, but the steep incline on most of these hills are a killer. You can have your strength training and cardio done all at the same time just walking up and down the hills of San Fran.
It is also the first time that I rode a Segway. They say that these things are supposed to be very intuitive to ride and I have to say that it was easier than I expected. In fact I really like it. I think that when we eventually move out of the current office that we have into an even larger office, we all should have Segways to roam around and maybe perhaps yell at a tester or a designer.
San Fran is a strange place in terms of weather. During the day it is nice and warm and sunny but once it hits late afternoon, temperature drops and the wind starts kicking in. All of a sudden, it feels like winter again.
And now for the meaty bit, WWDC. Get to be roommates with one of my colleagues, decide to wait in line for the keynote at 5:30 in the morning (we wanted to wake up at 3 am but apparently we didn't hear the alarm go off) and of course get our heads blown off by the bombshell that was just dropped on us developers. Frankly speaking, I have picked the best time to go for WWDC and by accident too.
We are of course talking about the new programming language on the block, Swift. No one saw that coming, not by a long shot. And what we saw, we liked it instantly. It does all the things that we want to be able to do as far as the Objective-C language is concerned and a whole lot more awesomeness. Granted that the language is still incomplete but it's enough for everyone to immediately jump in and try and see if we can write apps faster, better, safer and more concise. For the first time more than 20+ years of Objective-C, now everyone is one a level playing field. Everybody became beginners. And it is amazing what you can do with the language now. It's just crazy.
WWDC itself was already crazy, with about 6000 devs in one roof and so many sessions with most of them frequently being packed out, we are just trying to get out of the talks as much as we can. But I think the one that is of the most help are the Apple engineers that are on site ready to be able to answer all questions thrown at them. I've got a couple of questions and some more from my colleagues back in the office, and they just chewed it up straight away. There is one question that we thought was a bug in one of the classes that we were using from Apple, and after some very 1337-ish debugging in a span of a minute, gave the answer straight away and even tested to see that it works normally with a fix. That was the most magical thing I have ever seen.
The other thing that was good during that week was that there were all these big companies that organises after hour drinks and some even opened up their offices for people to join in the fun. Some of these guys have really cool offices and it is cool to meet the different people in the company and out of the company. I met people who were working for Apple, Pinterest, Optimizely, Twitter, Crashlytics, Yelp and many more. Lots of them are just excited about meeting the devs in WWDC as well.
Now that the conference is over and more exploring, eating and drinking is in order, I think that I am reaching the point where I would want to start getting back to work. But then again, New York might change everything or even Chicago. Because there is all these stuff that you just want to be able to use it straight in work and you just can't wait for that. That and also I'm getting poor. Maybe more of the latter.
Happy birthday man, happy birthday.
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The Problem With Prayer
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
at
11:29 PM
...or rather the problem with content-flawed prayers.
The drama never stops around here. Now going to have to cancel my flight and re-book my flight out to Canada (possibly even skipping it entirely) thanks to the fact that my passport requires it to be flown to Sydney twice just to get two labels on my passport. Hopes of seeing my sister dashed just like that.
I've told people that nothing short of divine intervention will get my passport back on time for me to fly off this Saturday. And the responses I get are pretty much the same, you better pray hard that that might happen. All except one guy, who I can always trust to say the right thing, even if it is the hardest thing to hear.
You see, I think that a lot of us tend to default to a certain kind of prayer when things aren't going according to plan. We pray for some divine intervention will occur as if we are the one running the show. Kinda like a director begging the actor who can't seem to get the lines right. Even as seasoned Christians with loads of Bible knowledge, we still pray like this knowing that this is not how prayer works. Often we interchange prayer with begging and those are two completely different things.
The more I think about my situation and how people respond to such annoyances that I have, the more I think about how utter flawed our prayers can be. Back to this friend who layeth down what it actually is, he expressed his disappointment that empatises with me but also said that maybe this is now what God wants you to be (in Canada) at this point in time. Just about everyone will have a knee jerk reaction when you hear something like this, and have a reply like "What? Is trying to visit my sister not what or where God wants me to be??". The younger me would have definitely said that and most certainly scoff at the idea (and at my friend) that God doesn't want me to be with my sister. But after hearing that as we head to work, I didn't flinch and nodded in agreement. It's not a sign of resignation or cowardice, it's a sign of acknowledgement and understanding how things are with God.
There is a real temptation to think that if I can pray hard enough, or rather beg hard enough that something might happen. We all like to be the optimistic person when the going gets tough, which is not in itself a bad thing. And who knows what miracles you can achieve when you believe. The problem is then what happens when the divine intervention that you want doesn't come. Most will get bummed out, wail or even be grumpy. Or worse, let out a sigh of resignation and have that bottled up for years. I am reminded of Jesus when he was arrested at the garden where he knew that he was going to go to the cross and he even prayed for "divine intervention" that he would not need to go through this. But ultimately say not my will but Yours (God) be done. Later on when some soldier's ear got cut off, Jesus mentions that he could have called legions of angels at his disposal. Though that would have made for a more awesome story, but that was not the will of God. Fast forward to the time when he was crucified, others scorned him to show some divine intervention to bring him down from the cross. But that didn't happen either because of the will of God.
I think my prayers have not changed during the whole drama but stayed more or less the same. And I think that is a good thing. You are not thrown around by the chaos of it all but just calmly ask and trust that God knows what he is doing. If you do get what you want, well praise God but if not God is doing something, just not what you were thinking of. Let God be God.
The drama never stops around here. Now going to have to cancel my flight and re-book my flight out to Canada (possibly even skipping it entirely) thanks to the fact that my passport requires it to be flown to Sydney twice just to get two labels on my passport. Hopes of seeing my sister dashed just like that.
I've told people that nothing short of divine intervention will get my passport back on time for me to fly off this Saturday. And the responses I get are pretty much the same, you better pray hard that that might happen. All except one guy, who I can always trust to say the right thing, even if it is the hardest thing to hear.
You see, I think that a lot of us tend to default to a certain kind of prayer when things aren't going according to plan. We pray for some divine intervention will occur as if we are the one running the show. Kinda like a director begging the actor who can't seem to get the lines right. Even as seasoned Christians with loads of Bible knowledge, we still pray like this knowing that this is not how prayer works. Often we interchange prayer with begging and those are two completely different things.
The more I think about my situation and how people respond to such annoyances that I have, the more I think about how utter flawed our prayers can be. Back to this friend who layeth down what it actually is, he expressed his disappointment that empatises with me but also said that maybe this is now what God wants you to be (in Canada) at this point in time. Just about everyone will have a knee jerk reaction when you hear something like this, and have a reply like "What? Is trying to visit my sister not what or where God wants me to be??". The younger me would have definitely said that and most certainly scoff at the idea (and at my friend) that God doesn't want me to be with my sister. But after hearing that as we head to work, I didn't flinch and nodded in agreement. It's not a sign of resignation or cowardice, it's a sign of acknowledgement and understanding how things are with God.
There is a real temptation to think that if I can pray hard enough, or rather beg hard enough that something might happen. We all like to be the optimistic person when the going gets tough, which is not in itself a bad thing. And who knows what miracles you can achieve when you believe. The problem is then what happens when the divine intervention that you want doesn't come. Most will get bummed out, wail or even be grumpy. Or worse, let out a sigh of resignation and have that bottled up for years. I am reminded of Jesus when he was arrested at the garden where he knew that he was going to go to the cross and he even prayed for "divine intervention" that he would not need to go through this. But ultimately say not my will but Yours (God) be done. Later on when some soldier's ear got cut off, Jesus mentions that he could have called legions of angels at his disposal. Though that would have made for a more awesome story, but that was not the will of God. Fast forward to the time when he was crucified, others scorned him to show some divine intervention to bring him down from the cross. But that didn't happen either because of the will of God.
I think my prayers have not changed during the whole drama but stayed more or less the same. And I think that is a good thing. You are not thrown around by the chaos of it all but just calmly ask and trust that God knows what he is doing. If you do get what you want, well praise God but if not God is doing something, just not what you were thinking of. Let God be God.
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Poutine and Hot Dogs
Sunday, May 18, 2014
at
7:33 PM
You know I am dead excited about my great North American trip, which is just coming up to a week to go before I leave. There is still a lot of drama left to settle just before I leave but it is at least better than the state I was in about 2 days ago.
I am sure that I will thoroughly enjoy myself over the next 4 weeks (hopefully), having a lot of things lined up thanks to the heads up from many friends who have gone before me. In fact, there are some things that I will be doing that some people would only dream of let alone to experience it.
I have been meaning to travel alone and to go to New York for the longest time and just thinking about it makes me feel so excited. The food, the places to see, the bars and all that stuff. Basically this sums up all the things that I have been dying to do. This is what I have always wanted ever since I have been watching American TV shows.
And yet, in spite of all these wonderful experiences that I will be having, in spite of getting what I have always wanted, I am still left with the feeling that something is missing. And I think I know what is that something. Normally this wouldn't really be an issue but considering that I am in the middle of the 2 year cycle, it has now become one. I think this would be the hardest one to get over. I will get there eventually, one way or another, as my past have shown me.
It is still going to be one epic trip.
***
I am sure that I will thoroughly enjoy myself over the next 4 weeks (hopefully), having a lot of things lined up thanks to the heads up from many friends who have gone before me. In fact, there are some things that I will be doing that some people would only dream of let alone to experience it.
I have been meaning to travel alone and to go to New York for the longest time and just thinking about it makes me feel so excited. The food, the places to see, the bars and all that stuff. Basically this sums up all the things that I have been dying to do. This is what I have always wanted ever since I have been watching American TV shows.
And yet, in spite of all these wonderful experiences that I will be having, in spite of getting what I have always wanted, I am still left with the feeling that something is missing. And I think I know what is that something. Normally this wouldn't really be an issue but considering that I am in the middle of the 2 year cycle, it has now become one. I think this would be the hardest one to get over. I will get there eventually, one way or another, as my past have shown me.
It is still going to be one epic trip.
***
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Fathers Be Good To Your Daughters
Saturday, May 3, 2014
at
5:35 PM
Double post!!
One of the friends on Facebook posted a very long status update about the anniversary of the death of her dad. It was a very well written and well said post about how her dad has been a great inspiration and solid rock in my friend's life right up to the point when he passed away. My friend also has mentioned that she wanted to carry out something that her dad has wished that he could do while he was still alive, in memory of him. That is the unshakable bond that they have between the both of them and it is a very powerful imagery of parent-child relationship. It was very moving indeed.
This is the kind of relationship that I want to have and experience with my (imaginary) children. If I had daughters, I would totally trade everything to be able to have this with them (if I had sons, this would also be true but manifested in a different way). I see this in the lives of my other friends who have had daughters and the relationship that they have, and it is something that I would like to have. My friend's dad appears to be a total geek, caring and creative and that had had its influence to my friend growing up. Basically he is her world.
It's very sad that we need more people to be like my friend's dad, to be a foundation to a child, to teach them about the things that really matter in this world and not to be fooled by the stresses of the world. The real bummer is to see their lives cut short due to the ever present tragedies in this world. And you know part of me wants to be that person, to step up to the role (this may or may not be related to the fact that I want everyone to be taught math properly).
But as the years go by, it is becoming clear that this might never be my calling, to learn the joys and pains of parenthood. Which to me is a total bummer, though I doubt that I would make a good father. But I guess the rest of the quarter life crisis #3 is left to figure out how can I be this kind of a person to someone else that is not of my own blood. Perhaps that is what I'm meant to do. Ask me again in 4 years time.
Once again, there is a John Mayer song for this thought line. He always has a song for every feeling.
One of the friends on Facebook posted a very long status update about the anniversary of the death of her dad. It was a very well written and well said post about how her dad has been a great inspiration and solid rock in my friend's life right up to the point when he passed away. My friend also has mentioned that she wanted to carry out something that her dad has wished that he could do while he was still alive, in memory of him. That is the unshakable bond that they have between the both of them and it is a very powerful imagery of parent-child relationship. It was very moving indeed.
This is the kind of relationship that I want to have and experience with my (imaginary) children. If I had daughters, I would totally trade everything to be able to have this with them (if I had sons, this would also be true but manifested in a different way). I see this in the lives of my other friends who have had daughters and the relationship that they have, and it is something that I would like to have. My friend's dad appears to be a total geek, caring and creative and that had had its influence to my friend growing up. Basically he is her world.
It's very sad that we need more people to be like my friend's dad, to be a foundation to a child, to teach them about the things that really matter in this world and not to be fooled by the stresses of the world. The real bummer is to see their lives cut short due to the ever present tragedies in this world. And you know part of me wants to be that person, to step up to the role (this may or may not be related to the fact that I want everyone to be taught math properly).
But as the years go by, it is becoming clear that this might never be my calling, to learn the joys and pains of parenthood. Which to me is a total bummer, though I doubt that I would make a good father. But I guess the rest of the quarter life crisis #3 is left to figure out how can I be this kind of a person to someone else that is not of my own blood. Perhaps that is what I'm meant to do. Ask me again in 4 years time.
Once again, there is a John Mayer song for this thought line. He always has a song for every feeling.
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Comics and All His Friends
at
5:04 PM
TL;DR
I should have been a comic book geek and have no friends.
***
I remember the first time that I came into contact with comics, not the usual comic strips that are on the newspapers or the occasional Sunday comic strips that are in full colour. I'm talking about those that you need to have a strong devotion to go out to the bookshop to buy the latest issue to get your fix, so to say. Those kind of comics have a serious content to it and that there is no way that all of that can fit in a comic strip or even the Sunday comics section.
My uncle was an avid comic collector of various sorts. One his most extensive comic collections was a series called Commando. This is a series of World War 2 (fictional) stories in different situations, everything from the one man commando hit team to the collective might of the army against the Nazis. That was my first contact with the world of comics. Though everything was in black and white but I was immediately intrigued by the stories that came with each and every issue. The only problem was that my uncle lived in Penang and the only time that I went to Penang was during the Chinese New Year holidays. That was one of the things that I looked forward to when I head up to Penang, to see what are the other comics that he has collected.
Comics also showed me a character that I first loved with a great passion. Back home, I try really hard to stay in a bookstore to read the Archie comic series. Those comics cost a bomb to own for a 7 year old's pocket money. Most bookstore owners don't really mind but you always feel bad about it. When I started to pick up the Archie comics, there was one person that I really stood out and love. One whose set of characteristics formed most of my attractions till today.
Her name was Betty Cooper.
The intelligent, humble, active, very able, understated, gorgeous and very blond girl-next-door Betty captivated me for a long time. Often I always wondered why on Earth Archie still tries to be a player between Betty and Veronica (with a slight inclination towards Veronica), when clearly Betty was the better choice (in my opinion). I also wondered why does Betty bother to entertain Archie's player mode between the both of them. That just angers me on occasion when reading the comics. And even today for Free Comic Book Day when I picked up an Archie comic as one of the free comics going out, I still have the same nostalgia reading them and of course why Betty is still my favourite.
Great stories and great characters in comics have always made me want to read and collect comics since the first time I was exposed to it, though my parents were quick to dismiss them as a wasteful hobby. And so I never got to do it. To think that there are so many comic fans out there and the things that they do or know about makes me think that I could have been one of those comic geeks and have zero social interaction (that is still largely true today). It also made me think what else would I have come out of the closet, so to speak, had I had the opportunity to be properly exposed to it.
Man, was the list long. Musicals, film, fictional books, TV series and the list goes on. It turns out that, with no surprise whatsoever, I live a pretty boring life. No real thing for me to say this is something that I want to do in my free time. My free time constitutes doing nothing and exploring the narrow world that is my reading list in my Feeds that has largely remained unchanged for years now. I've seen some of my friends and colleagues spend lots of time doing the things that they would love to do on the side but sadly I have no such thing to call my own. Not only have I lost feelings in my extremities (it's getting cold here) but I have also lost a lot of feeling for anything.
I have often told people that I am going through quarter life crisis #3, wondering what am I going to do now that I'm here. Lots of questions about what am I going to be and what am I going to do. And strangely enough, reading a comic, started all those questions flooding into my head. Unlike Archie, who despite his player attitude sometimes is still pretty interesting on his own, there is really nothing that I have to offer to people. If anything, I offer stories to anyone with the grace and the ears to hear. I really hope that the long one month holiday/Apple Developer Conference awesomeness might give some answers to the crisis.
Who would I be in the Archie comic universe? Jughead. I just need a hat and a dog. All in due time.
I should have been a comic book geek and have no friends.
***
I remember the first time that I came into contact with comics, not the usual comic strips that are on the newspapers or the occasional Sunday comic strips that are in full colour. I'm talking about those that you need to have a strong devotion to go out to the bookshop to buy the latest issue to get your fix, so to say. Those kind of comics have a serious content to it and that there is no way that all of that can fit in a comic strip or even the Sunday comics section.
My uncle was an avid comic collector of various sorts. One his most extensive comic collections was a series called Commando. This is a series of World War 2 (fictional) stories in different situations, everything from the one man commando hit team to the collective might of the army against the Nazis. That was my first contact with the world of comics. Though everything was in black and white but I was immediately intrigued by the stories that came with each and every issue. The only problem was that my uncle lived in Penang and the only time that I went to Penang was during the Chinese New Year holidays. That was one of the things that I looked forward to when I head up to Penang, to see what are the other comics that he has collected.
Comics also showed me a character that I first loved with a great passion. Back home, I try really hard to stay in a bookstore to read the Archie comic series. Those comics cost a bomb to own for a 7 year old's pocket money. Most bookstore owners don't really mind but you always feel bad about it. When I started to pick up the Archie comics, there was one person that I really stood out and love. One whose set of characteristics formed most of my attractions till today.
Her name was Betty Cooper.
The intelligent, humble, active, very able, understated, gorgeous and very blond girl-next-door Betty captivated me for a long time. Often I always wondered why on Earth Archie still tries to be a player between Betty and Veronica (with a slight inclination towards Veronica), when clearly Betty was the better choice (in my opinion). I also wondered why does Betty bother to entertain Archie's player mode between the both of them. That just angers me on occasion when reading the comics. And even today for Free Comic Book Day when I picked up an Archie comic as one of the free comics going out, I still have the same nostalgia reading them and of course why Betty is still my favourite.
Great stories and great characters in comics have always made me want to read and collect comics since the first time I was exposed to it, though my parents were quick to dismiss them as a wasteful hobby. And so I never got to do it. To think that there are so many comic fans out there and the things that they do or know about makes me think that I could have been one of those comic geeks and have zero social interaction (that is still largely true today). It also made me think what else would I have come out of the closet, so to speak, had I had the opportunity to be properly exposed to it.
Man, was the list long. Musicals, film, fictional books, TV series and the list goes on. It turns out that, with no surprise whatsoever, I live a pretty boring life. No real thing for me to say this is something that I want to do in my free time. My free time constitutes doing nothing and exploring the narrow world that is my reading list in my Feeds that has largely remained unchanged for years now. I've seen some of my friends and colleagues spend lots of time doing the things that they would love to do on the side but sadly I have no such thing to call my own. Not only have I lost feelings in my extremities (it's getting cold here) but I have also lost a lot of feeling for anything.
I have often told people that I am going through quarter life crisis #3, wondering what am I going to do now that I'm here. Lots of questions about what am I going to be and what am I going to do. And strangely enough, reading a comic, started all those questions flooding into my head. Unlike Archie, who despite his player attitude sometimes is still pretty interesting on his own, there is really nothing that I have to offer to people. If anything, I offer stories to anyone with the grace and the ears to hear. I really hope that the long one month holiday/Apple Developer Conference awesomeness might give some answers to the crisis.
Who would I be in the Archie comic universe? Jughead. I just need a hat and a dog. All in due time.
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Sleepless in Melbourne
Thursday, April 24, 2014
at
12:52 AM
It's one of those rapid fire blogging months. Perhaps it is the restlessness speaking.
Anyway, I had one of the most massive week with two much anticipated concerts within days of each other. It is also the first time that I went to a concert alone just because it is too good to pass up on something like this. Super fun nights enjoying great music from great musicians. Right up there in terms of one of the best weeks ever but I think that spot will be up for contention soon.
After the John Mayer concert, despite the seriously sleep deprived night before, I decided to have drinks with some friends. It didn't take long (ie. I had one drink) before I went into heavy reflection mode. This year has been shaping up as one of the biggest years ever, with already so much that has happened and half the year has not passed by yet. I consider myself extremely thankful that I am able to be involved in so many things and the things that are yet to come. Some things require me to start stepping up to take on the roles that have been presented before me while others require me to let go of things.
And yet, I find myself to be in one of the most uncertain times ever. This is even more uncertain than the time that I had to end my PhD and figure out what am I going to do. Strangely but not surprisingly, all this uncertainty isn't the real cause of my sleepless nights. Hitting the big three-oh on a year like this cause me to think that there is something that I really should be doing. Existential much? It's a strange paradox to be living in and I really do hope that there is some sort of resolution to that paradox otherwise I will go crazy.
And if that wasn't enough on my poor sleep deprived body, I also had a sense that I needed to talk to a friend about some issues that said friend is facing. Playing the self-proclaimed expert in relationships to this friend is pretty strange considering that I am totally under-qualified for the position. As I listen to myself dish out these so-called "advice" to this friend of mine, I keep thinking to myself what a load of rubbish I'm talking about. Although said friend seem to think that it's good advice. Whatever. Time will tell I suppose. Right now, I'm of the opinion that I have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about. I can't even help myself, am I right?
So another hit to the body in terms of lack of sleep but well worth the talk. And I don't regret it one bit. Even if it does mean extreme slowness and drowsiness doing work the next day
So, uh, I'm going to try and go to sleep now. Try is the strong operative word.
PS: There is further evidence that the number of people trying to set me up with others is proportional to the number of days left to being 30. My (married) colleague who is going to the conference that I will be going to in June is offering to be my wingwoman for the whole trip. Stahp.
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