My housemate left me a note as a parting gift which had a much bigger impact on me than I thought it would have. These were the words that struck me the most
You always seem to be looking for something, reminds me of track #3 in Heavier Things. I really hope you find/get what you need.
And in just that moment, there was a lot of things that just overcame me.
First thing was that it reminded me of what Matt Chandler was talking about at the Something Bigger event. That we seek for something to fill that satisfaction in us, that we seek out what will make me happy. And people go looking in all the wrong places for that satisfaction. Myself including. This really hit me hard as a reminder that I have been looking for something in other things even though I say that I am not.
The next thing that followed was that perhaps I should continue to remind myself that none of the things that I see or want will bring me happiness because they will ultimately disappoint me. And that it will lead to me further disappointing me which is again something that Matt Chandler has talked about. My career will not bring happiness. My relationships will not bring happiness. Going to church will not bring happiness. Only God can bring me happiness.
Yet another was the fact that I don't even want to know whether I will get what I need in the end. The age old saying of "be careful of what you wish for, for you may actually get it" has never rung a more sinister tone than now. I am looking for something but now I am not so sure that I want to be looking for that something. All the more that I really should be like Paul, to want Christ.
And finally, it seems to me that I only really know how I am doing when it's too late to talk about it further. The feedback that I get from people is too late and usually I'm left with the feeling of regret and somewhat angry that the fact.
The flood of thoughts came in and within half a second, a moment of weakness, I nearly shed a tear. I just felt so broken for the first time in a long time. Cries of "what on earth am I doing" came out from my soul.
And then, I had to shove it back in to help my housemate move.
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PS: For reference, the song in Heavier Things. The lyrics are pretty telling.
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