I am not awesome. Really.

TL;DR
Everything looks clearer on hindsight, that includes my life for this year.

***
As the year draws to a close, as cliche as it is, there's bound to be some sort of reflection of the year that is about to pass. I shall carry on that cliche in 4 parts.

Self
This is the year that I have finally read the whole Bible from cover to cover. I have to ask myself why haven't I done this earlier because it has been really good. Got to find out a lot of things that I have never really known, including some particularly funny and strange passages in the Old Testament. And in many ways, I have grown a lot even from just briefly reading through the passages in my commute. I've even been challenged right there and then when reading the passage and it has been an uncomfortable feeling but that is a good thing. To know that you have to change in light of reading the Bible for its truths.

I've also taken the time to say less and to think more as it is evident in the amount of posts I've written this year. Ever since I've started blogging, I've said a lot of things which, now looking at it in hindsight, is just a lot of noise. To the usual readers would note that a lot of the things that I write these days are things that just stirring in the heart about something ,either emotionally or rationally, or something that requires saying something about. I think that this is something that is going to continue on for the next few years. I am slowly sinking in the feeling in what I write, that sometimes less is more. 

I've also tried to change things up a bit by learning a new keyboard layout. Probably one of the most difficult thing I have ever tried. It screws around with everything, your productivity drops by like 80% and you get utterly frustrated. It also makes you doubt whether it is a good thing or not despite some of the major pros over the current keyboard layout. You just got to persevere. That quality in itself is probably worth it since it is transferable to other areas of life.

I would like to think that I have grown lots personally, or at least in a biased view of myself. It's a bit like a self help book, you feel really good after reading it and apply some of the things to your own self but whether or not you actually as a person in relation to others is another question (see Relationships)

Work
This year at work has been an amazing time, lots of crazy good projects and our team is totally kicking butt. We've created some very novel ideas about apps and services that is shaping how we use the smartphone and having the opportunity to use some of these crazy new things.

I've also written my first tool that helps a lot of what we do a lot simpler. It is nothing fancy but it does help lots. And now I'm thinking on how to grow what I have created to make things even more helpful. To think that 4 years ago, I wouldn't have thought of myself as a person who makes tools. I would have written equations and equations that only a handful of people would only know.

I also feel that this is a particularly strange year for the company. We've hyper inflated in the past two years that I think that it is only this year that we are experiencing the growing pains of the company. Lots of new people are coming in and very quickly they are subjected to some major stresses that brand spanking new people shouldn't be having. Though we are improving our processes and trying to prevent these sorts of things from happening, I don't know whether the damage has been dealt to some of us. I feel that to those who will stay on in the next year or so will see a big improvement.

Also there is a lot of old code that is in real need of a revamp (or even culled out completely). I think that there are better ways to do the things that some of these old code lying around are currently doing. 2 years of unchanged, or rather unaudited code, is a bad smell in my opinion. We just need the time to be able to do all of this, which we currently do not have.

Overall, it has been an exciting time to work at where I am now. And the people there are just about as crazy as me, if not more crazy. I like crazy.

Relationships
This year has been a strange one for that. In some respects, it is a repeat of 2010. In 2010, there was a small core group that I have rather frequent hangouts with and it was a great joy having that around. But by the end of the year, people started leaving the country and having other commitments, the group suddenly does not feel like the group anymore. This year has been pretty much like that although we didn't hangout as frequently as the group before that. The other difference is that I knew that the end result is going to be exactly just like in 2010. It was pretty much a ticking alarm clock. And so I've decided to make the most of it. The outcome of that has been great, got to know some people very well and some surprising things about people that I didn't expect.

Also lots of old wounds are healing well. Scars are still there to remind me of my foolishness for years to come.

It is also a year where my sphere of church friends have been moving from one church to another. And it is a weird thing to have that. Because there is a rather high turnover at the other church, this is the point where the old guard begins to fade away. While in my current church, I am only beginning to get to know people. The net effect is that I am like an acquaintance to both. I would put this as the hardest thing to handle this year, followed by learning a new keyboard layout as a close second (see Work).

I think that I haven't been a good friend, at least in the past couple of years, due to a lot of internal struggle and subconsciously shunning people because of it. Even now I am trying to find out how can I deal with the many people around me who are getting attached or getting married. It almost seems as though that there is no space for the single soon-to-be 30 year old in their lives, you know, because birds of a feather flock together. Though I think that I have improved as a person (see Self), I'd still get a D for being a friend.

But I thank God for the Bible study group that I am currently in. I've gotten to know a lot of them in the past year and a place that I can be myself again. If anything, this is an incubator for me to be a better friend. I can only hope that I can raise my friend score card to at least a B from this.

Future

• Starting to serve in a new music team and I am super excited about these bunch of crazy good musos. It is only in serving along side a group of great musicians can one improve in a band.
• Starting to help out in another church with their music team to help train them to be better band members. 
• Major opportunities in the horizon for work, terribly excited about it and terribly scared as well
• Be a better friend
• 4 more years until I shut the door

I am apparently not alone to say that this year's Christmas feels the least Christmas-y ever. There are less people than usual on the streets, it feels less festive and certainly not something to look forward to. And yet I can see that there lots more people out there who feel that it's the most joyous Christmas. This is probably the first Christmas that I've been in where I didn't celebrate with family nor belong to a family-like presence. 

As a kid, I had my ideals about Christmas, ideals that still stuck with me many years later. I absorbed American culture so much as a kid that I often wonder what would I give in order to experience that, including Christmas time. The beautifully decorated Christmas tree (that is not made by plastic), fireplace going, thick blanket of snow outside, large family gathering under one roof and so on. At that time the only thing that was close enough to that description was actually Chinese New Year. The only differences were that the tree was a kumquat tree, the fireplace replaced with a dinner table and snow for thick humid air.

Nowadays, Christmas seems just like any other day, whether it is Independence Day or September 13th. What joy has already left in my heart, what spring is there in my step. Everything feels so sterile now.

Of course that I haven't forgotten what Christmas is meant to signify and I am very thankful for that. In fact there is a great deal of things that I am very thankful for this year, perhaps even the most thankful that I have been in years. But the thing that I seem to be losing my memory is what does it feel like to be part of a family again. I am largely to be blamed for this and I wish I can do things differently, but I guess the damage has been done. And now I am in a time where my peers are having their own families now (or soon to have), it has further highlighted the feeling of not being in a family even more. My actual family are miles away and its been harder and harder to stay as a family.

And you know, I think that that is the main reason that my personal emotional well being has taken a toll on. 

For the few of you who are reading this, may your Christmas be one that is full of the sense of belonging, be it with others or your own. May you are able to share that joy with others even to that weird little guy down the corner. Also may you know that this is when a man came into the world and he is called...

God With Us.



And in these last hours of Christmas left, have yourself a merry little Christmas.

As you can probably tell, I've read it. And I have to say that I finally get why you loved that darn book and her so much. Even more so through the lens of hindsight. I'd say that apart from physical characteristics and a few details, I'm even inclined to say that it is really a story about you except in an alternate universe.

I can even see myself in a few of the characters, and I'm sure that you would already know who they are. Everything including my flaws are in scattered throughout all the characters, like I am really seeing myself through the looking glass.

Lots of emotions were brought forth. Emotions that I am glad to be reminded of. But there are also plenty of them that I would like not to be reminded of. As a whole, she provided a lot of empathy to me, at least up to a certain point in her life.

For the time being, she has given me something for the road ahead of me though gloomy, lifeless and void of any comforting presence as it is already. There is scope for imagination. And perhaps that is what I need to be able to entertain the idea of it being thrusted upon me, or maybe achieved, as Mrs. Lavendar would have put it. What happened to her in the end is not for me as yet and is subject for a distant time and place, if Providence were to allow the course of history to flow through it.

And just like that, the year is almost come to an end. It has been an interesting year, full of ups and downs but most important of all is that there were a lot of things that I have learned as well. Lots of opportunities came and went, all in God's providence to teach me along the way, to continue to trust in Him. Church has been the main source of the lessons, being challenged from God's word, has changed a lot especially when it comes to prayer. I think I'll write about it more as I continue to reflect on the rest of the year. More importantly, after another crazy week at work this week.

***

If I am reading the signs right, it may be the right time for me to slowly start looking for a new place to stay. It is about time.

I've had coffee with two friends after a seriously hard week, both of them getting ready to go into the next phases of their lives. Watching them talk about their respective journeys was interesting but also made me think about my own. Where am I going and what am I getting myself into, I have no idea. Hearing their conversation, it is pretty evident what those questions look like and I'm sure that they too have their fare share of uncertainty as well. But there is a natural progression to these things and it is good to have them. 

The long weekend was a lot of fun and it was also a chance that for me to think a lot. For the past weekend as well as Monday and Tuesday, I have been spending a lot of time with a small group of friends, heading for road trips and just generally hanging out. It was also a time for me to prepare myself that all of this is momentary. That soon, very soon I'd wager, that all of this shall cease. I am merely trying to milk it for as much enjoyment and to learn as much as possible.

A friend posted a tweet this morning with a link to Shane and Shane's song Though You Slay Me. Little did I know that the content of this song fits in very well with today's sermon. It also fits in with my own struggles, it's a song that preaches to me that every suffering is meaningful. All of this was I guess God letting me know that he is in control of all things, sovereign. Which happens to be the topic of the sermon or rather part thereof.



Shane and Shane have written, I think, some of the most honest Christian songs I can think of. Sure the songs that we sing week in week out are full of Scripture that remind us of the love of Christ and how great a cost that he died for us and so on and so forth. But few songs have come to describe our humanly struggles in a way that connects with us in this day and age or even our hypocrisy as part of God's church as well as Shane and Shane do (Casting Crowns comes close though). Songs like the one above, below or even the one below that are not meant to be sung in church but to be listened like how one listens to a sermon.

TL;DR
No, I am not.

***

September 12 was supposed to be day where there is a heightened sense of awareness about depression and a somewhat large campaign was mobilised to get people talking about it. And September 13 was apparently programmer day but that is another story altogether.

While as far as I am aware of my current mental state and that I do not fall in the category of clinical depression, the question that was posed during September 12 was something worth pondering about. And what I find is that the answer to that question, at least over the past few years, has been a steadily and increasingly been...no.

I struggle with a lot of things, things in the past, regrets of the even further past coming back to haunt me again. And I am really struggling. I drop in and out of being an OK person and a mild state of depression where I want to avoid a large group of people. Which makes it even harder considering that most of the people that I am trying to avoid are people that I used to be able to see them eye-to-eye, laugh and joke and talk pretty much everything under the sun. Now it takes so much mental effort just to be in a public space with them in it.

I am reminded of my own personal studies on 2 Corinthians recently and the line "My grace is sufficient for you" is something that I holding on fast to because there is nothing else that I can hold on to. Even though Paul was going through physical suffering when he penned those lines, I'm sure the same thing goes for someone going through emotional suffering. Someone who is still looking for answers or waiting on an answer.

I will wait upon the Lord.

***

I can't say that I was not a little angry/annoyed when I heard this on the way back home today. There was a context and somewhere in that context the question came up to "How do you deal with being single and all?". Now perhaps I am reading to much into it but when I heard that, the default expectation was that everyone should be attached or at least recently attached and someone has to think twice about being single especially when said person is approaching the big three-oh. There was a little irony in the context of the story but that shall be another story.

Until now, I have yet to be a part of a community of Christians that holds true equal regard and support to people who are relationships and those who are not. The default position is we need to hook up this person with someone else if someone isn't already attached. That or we just do the following, "Interested in anyone?" "No." "Oh. That's cool". Given the recent sermon at church today, it seems that we are far from holding these two groups of people with equal regard.

Some people are struggling with issues of singleness and our response is like parents consoling kids who got a D in an exam, that it is not the grade that you expect them to get but hey, at least you didn't fail. Or worse, give some kind of divine-laced answer of there are plenty of fish in the sea and you are bound to catch one. Nice idea but still wrong.

It would somewhat cool if I did burst out in outrage but I didn't. I'd still like to give the benefit of the doubt that it was totally not intended. But whether or not it was intended at that point in time or not, I'd say it is still very evident in how people look at singleness today. And I am very very annoyed at that.

This is the yardstick for all bass players. To hold the groove, tight timing and just small variances around a central bass line. With the exception of a few sections in the song, the bassist plays the same progression, with a few sprinkles thrown in for good measure, but he played it like his life depended on it. And now, it's hard to imagine the song without the bass part. I still can't play that well and it is good to strive for such a goal.

TL;DR
Food can be associated with the good memories, sometimes the bad too. I make a few of those that are both.

---

I think most of us have very strong memories when it comes to food, particularly the events around partaking food. Who we were with, what were we doing and what were we eating get solidified into long term memories that when we think of food, we are immediately transported to that first event. It is often the good times, laughter with friends and amazing food that makes us close to impossible to forget.

Of all the deserts I've ever tried, none can bring me close to the first time I've tried cheesecake, a very specific cheesecake. Blueberry cheesecake. To be exact, Sara Lee's blueberry cheesecake that's freely available in the frozen food section of the supermarket. It's not the best cheesecake I've ever had but when I first had it, it was a mind blowing experience. And I remembered it clearly, mum bought this cake because we wanted to give it a try and I have never tasted cheesecakes nor blueberries back home at that time. After one slice became two and three, suddenly I was almost asking for it every time my parents went grocery shopping. Till this day, no desert can really take that place of the almighty blueberry cheesecake.

It is also a very special cake to me. It was the first one that I have made from scratch in a crappy little oven, in a crappy student accommodation during my first year in uni. I decided to make it after buying a magazine that had this wonderful shot of this delicious looking cake on the front cover. It was also the magazine that started to bring out the foodie in me. So really, I owe it to this cake that I became interested, passionate even, about cooking and baking.

I don't know about the rest of you, but there are some food items that are strongly related to experiences in the past that reminded me about my regrets and to some extent, my despairs and failures. The blueberry cheesecake is one such item. It was only the other day that I've made blueberry cheesecake in more than 5 years because I was craving it. Well actually, it was an idea implanted in me a few days before that when I was passing by the frozen food section and see that there are frozen blueberries. I was happy that it still turn out as I remembered it to be (maybe a bit better), taking photos and sharing it on the usual social circles and was elated when taking my first bite.

And then I remembered.

I remembered the other events that I had with blueberry cheesecake. Events that I later regretted because of who I was at that time. It was a very strange feeling, how is it possible that can I feel both extremely happy and yet regretful at the same time. And at that time, I was alone in the house, the housemate has gone back to Malaysia for a funeral and the other housemate is still not back from holidays. The silence just amplified whatever that I was feeling that night. It dawned upon me that there was a reason why I had not want to make blueberry cheesecake for so long. 

I wanted to forget. Forget that it ever happened. Forget that I ever felt that way.

And so for the next few nights, I take one slice of cake, partake in silence and take it in. When the cake has been fully devoured, I think I might not make it again for a long time. I've had enough.

In the same way how I have always joked about if there were such a thing as a spirit animal, it would be the hedgehog because of similiarities in behaviour between this cousin of the shrew and me, my experiences with this confounded cake represents a lot of who I am. As much as I try to make myself presentable to others though there is nothing really special about it, I will end up disappointing myself. This cake is also a closely guarded secret of mine, not because I have stumbled upon the holy grail recipe for this cake, all about the why this cake.

Blueberry cheesecake is not the only food item that brings this double edged sword into my life though it is still invokes the strongest emotion of them all. Other such items are Milo with drinking chocolate, tuna with corn and capsicum and soon to be added, mango cheesecake.

---

I can relate a lot to the film. I just wish that I can have the same ending. But it may be that take whatever baggage I have and keeping moving, just like Sue Lynne.

TL;DR
Games can be like books, good environment and a good story.

***

My general philosophy on what are the kinds of games I usually play are very simple. One that either has a very immersive environment where you are just so captivated by the universe is created by the game where you can spend hours on hours just looking around or one that has a very well crafted story and pays very good attention to detail. I reckon that the kinds of games that I choose to play and how I treat it is very similiar to how people choose fictional books to read. Two very seemingly different things but have the same sorts of experiences when consuming them.

Over the past month, I've played two such games, games that have completely taken over my Saturdays, having never ventured out to get some sun, coffee or friends. The first one was Fez, a 2D puzzle platform game in a 3D world. The background music, the picturesque worlds and the incredibly hard puzzles makes you just want to get lost in this kind of environment. A lot of the game play emphasises a lot of exploration of different areas (and of course to solve puzzles to get to those areas) adds the experience. It's just like a good narrative. Even though I have finished the game, it was clear that there is actually more to the game than what is necessary to complete the game. Many more secrets that are hidden throughout the different areas that you have explored. 

The other game was Bioshock Infinite. There are many things that I like about the Bioshock universe, many things that I think people (Asians in particular) might find a bit weird for me to get into. But one thing that the Bioshock games have always had was a good plot. A well crafted story one that will grab your attention from beginning to end. The other thing that it has done well was incorporating themes like the fallenness of man's efforts when they have elevated their achievements to God like levels, the sins people commit, the regrets or the moral issues that a man faces. This is no different in Bioshock Infinite. The character Elizabeth deserves special mention. They have put so much character into this person in the game that she seems almost human. It is very hard not to be captivated by her, not just how she looks but in the character that she portrays in the game. I can't remember when was the last book that I have read that has all these things in a book that I just simply cannot put down. Then again, it was a long time since I have read books to that level.

What's next? I'm tempted to go back to Bioshock Infinite just to have a second pass at the story. There are some bits that are missing when I first played it through and also to reinforce what was going (the story was quite involved and need to have a think about all the things that were said. A bit like Butterfly Effect, Donnie Darko and other such films).

Games and films are in a way like substitute for books for me. When they are done well, they can tell a whole different story without words. Mainly because that I prefer to see non-verbal communication.

***

The loneliness continues.

TL;DR
Hermit Saturdays. Big company is big.

***

I think I have gotten used to the idea that my rest day is Saturday. Staying at home, lazing around at home in bed, either playing games or doing reading (but mostly playing games). No going out, no brunch, nothing. Which I think is very strange for most people in Melbourne considering it is brunch capital, where there is an expectation that you should feel dirty if you haven't visited a brunch place at least once or twice a week. In fact, I can't remember when was the last time I went for brunch or a cafe this year. I think it was in April but I can't be sure of that. Am I missing much? Probably but doesn't really matter.

I think this is the introverted side taking charge. Monday to Friday you're busy at work, having to interact with people all day and by the time you are home, there are lots of other things to do. Then there is Saturday. The self decides to say "OK, you are not going out and instead you stay at home while everyone else is out there and you are going to find something to do and you will like it". And then Sunday comes around where I usually spend most of the day around church people.

I largely attribute this Saturday alone time to the fact that I am becoming older, much more picky about things and people (and maybe grumpy and cynical). Having less friends to hang out with and other people spending time with their significant others is also happening at an increasing rate. This is probably just me trying to make the most out of the situation.

Basically I need to have a third group of friends, one that is outside the work and church environment. Maybe I should take up stitching.

***

I find it amazing that a little under two years ago, I started working for this small company of 10 (I was #10). And since then, I have watched about 45 people walked through the doors of our office and become whom I call as colleagues. From a team that consisted of a few iOS developers, just one Android developer and three directors to now a full stack app development company and having everything in house.

And now I am pondering what is going to happen in the next two years of my life. It's that time again.

TL;DR
Kids think chicken come from the supermarket. Parents blame education. I say, "Hold It!"

***

Mingle around with enough older Singaporeans and you will likely to come across a conversation where it details the very sad state of the education system back home. Horror stories where kids these days don't know what a chicken looks like or can't identify one apart from what they see in the supermarket, wrapped in plastic wrap all neatly dismembered and ready for cooking. I used to be horrified upon hearing this but after much thought, there is a deeper concern that I think is even more horrific.

I've recently met an older lady visiting Melbourne to see her cousin and she was a teacher in Singapore before uprooting and decide to call Vancouver home. She detailed that she has seen it all in the education system, including the said horror above. And so apparently when the opportunity came, she cashed in and "rescued" her children to a better place, home of the Canucks. She gave her reason that she didn't want her children to be growing up in this kind of environment where streaming happens as early as 9 years old and the pressure to perform academically continues to build up even past graduation from university. Also she didn't want the remote chance of her own flesh and blood stooping down to the level that they can't distinguish between the image of a live chicken and the one in the meat section of the supermarket.

While I do agree that Singapore's education system leaves a lot to be desired, like the unnecessary pressure to perform at such a young age, education via spoon feeding information and placing heavy emphasis on passing exams, I can't decide whether the said horror is a result of the state of the education system or just bad delegation of a child's education in common sense. Sure, the lack of ability to think critically or "outside the box" definitely came out from the far from ideal formal education system but I wonder whether the parents have simply shifted the responsibility of educating their children in the lost art of common sense to the formal education establishments. 

And it is not surprising if it is the case that they did. Considering that the average work hours of the working Singaporean is around 9 hours (though this number is a very conservative number), commute time can be anywhere between 20 minutes to over an hour (which is amazing considering that the nation is only 20 km by 40 km), it is amazing that any time at all is available for themselves or their own relationships. For families, this means employing a domestic caretaker, additional classes for the children (not necessarily because the the child is weak in a particular area) etc. More and more responsibility that used to be on the part of the parents has now been moved to other people to do they jobs that they were meant to be doing as in their parent's generation so that they can, ironically, do the jobs that they are supposed to be doing. 

It is going to be a matter of time before they hear of horror stories like this one, and they will be outraged, reminisce about the days when they were kids that they seem to have acquired an advanced stage of common sense that their kids. Common sense it seems, has become part of the school curriculum. And schools are not doing a good job at instilling common sense to the future of Singapore, it seems.

It is no wonder that more and more Singaporeans are leaving the country such as this lady that I've met. She left on the grounds of a failing education system and got out while she still can. I am more and more convinced that the reason is more of culture than schools.

I guess the point of this is that there are things that we can blame for the faults of others, whether it is in a person or in a nation. But to blame it on things that came as a consequence of a deeper issue is a red herring.

There are things that schools are meant to teach, science, math, history and the likes but there are some things that should be taught by parents and can never be left to schools to teach. They are, in my opinion, non-negotiable. Big words coming from a person who neither has children nor married. Not even having a pet. Whether you choose to brush me off because of my lack of "credentials" or expertise in the area is up to you. Just think about this, would you sit and do nothing about teaching your children street smarts that no school can teach? 

PS: I have yet to hear the same horror story in urbanised Malaysian kids and we somewhat have the same sorts of problems as our southern neighbours, if not worse. Case of first world problems maybe?

PPS: That lady was a lot like my aunty. The character resemblance would be almost uncanny if my aunty was characteristically Singaporean. Very nice lady.

After today's conversation, I think it validated my decision to distance myself from some groups of people. It's just not healthy for me to be around them but above all, it will probably end up being a stumbling block for me. Better to be forgotten and live life than to be remembered as the person who self-destructed.

It was also a conversation that was difficult to have for a number of reasons, not just because it reflects the fallenness of humanity. It's still difficult to talk but there are signs of a little progress.

On a separate note, after years of not making coffee since learning the basics of making your regular lattes, turns out that I still got it. Just need to go a little easy on the milk frothing. 

All of this when I was working on the weekend...

When no one was around...

And I was in the zone...

Best working Saturday ever.

I think it is safe to say that I wouldn't trade the past 3 hours for anything in the world. I would go as far as saying that the 4 of us came out of the conversation challenged yet having difference of opinion.

I think what struck me the most about the conversation, though something that is quite hard to chew, that the simplified hypothetical question of one person with all heart but no music vision and a person with no heart but immense music vision and you had to choose one to lead a music ministry, the answer does not always boil down to choosing one or the other, or even choosing the person with all heart because it is the only right answer. In fact almost all the time that is never the case anyway in reality. Very hard thing to wrap your head around it because it seems like it lies in contention with what we've mostly learned about leadership especially in the Christian environment. Even trying to describe this very briefly here is very difficult because there is so much more that needs to be considered before finally getting the definition of the situation, let alone at coming up with a solution. And I think it is something that we need to look out for when we have the difficult discussions on choosing leaders or any context where it demands some sort of having responsibility over people. Because when presented with 2 seemingly opposing qualities and you have to make a choice, the number of choices is not 2. In the case of the all-heart-no-music and no-heart-all-music scenario, there is option 3 and option 4. Either you get both of them in or neither and keep looking.

Why is it that we like to present simplified situations demanding rather binary answers, myself not sparing? It's probably because we like textbook answers, that if we give the right answers according to the textbook, that we are automatically doing the right thing. But in reality, it is almost never the case though some are easier to spot that others. While I recognise that this analogy is taking it to the extreme end but it sounds like the Pharisees demanding black and white decisions. Do this thing specifically and you are keeping the law or do not do this thing and you are keeping the law. Jesus often turn a lot of these things on it's head and he still does the right thing. Point being is that before we snap up the seemingly right answers after being presented the choices, we have to think carefully on whether does it reflect reality or whether there are other options that are equally valid. Sometimes the best decision, or in this case, the decision that glorifies God most may not be simply choosing the one of the two people who has one quality but not the other. For who knows what God can turn around for his kingdom?

Another thing that I thought was worth ruminating over that was brought up was that for an effective music ministry, one that serves the congregation and God through music, there are three levers that need to be pulled in equal measure. Those levers are discipline, ministry and artistic merit. You can't be lacking in any one of these qualities because the lack of one will affect the overall growth of the music ministry. It has been pointed out therefore, a good leader must strive for excellence in all three areas equally. And it is very hard. It is very hard to choose the right people for the job. And while we recognise that none of us are perfect but there must be that attitude to improve all three areas at the same time. Again, trying to expound these aspects more is very difficult, about as difficult as the previous point. Of course the three levers I speak of here can be applied in any ministry area with some minor changes but regardless of the fact, a good leader must pursue all areas in equal measure.

After all this talk, it has actually humbled me a lot more as a musician serving in a music ministry. To know what my role is, which is to support the worship leader and to follow under that person's leadership. I think the key area that will affect me would be how I respond when a suggestion of mine will not be used even though I think it is really cool. I used to be deeply affected by it because I see it as a threat to music growth. But now I submit myself to the music vision of the worship leader. Having said that, the worship leader has more responsibility than just to dictate the style of the music. The worship leader will need to grow in the three areas I spoke of before. The difference is to develop these areas outside of the practice sessions not during. Even more so at church where we barely even have 45 minutes to practice 4-5 songs. And that's on a very good day.

I suspect that some of you might not agree with I've said. That's ok because I found it hard to swallow when I first heard it. But after long discussions about it, I start to understand what is being said while still reserving my opinion on some nitty gritty details of the subject. I don't expect you to follow suit but I do hope that you think about it a little more.

It's quite possibly the first time that someone has made the bold move of asking me the question "Do I have a problem with couples?". Well except that one other time but that was more of a one-to-one level rather than a general question.

To which I gave my answer while still not revealing my full hand and started a long chain of conversations, navigating through the minefields that would normally get your face punched if stepped on. Many hard issues to grapple with and most, if not all, of them not having a straightforward right answer. Safe to say that we went away from that dinner table challenged and full of subsequent thoughts on the matters presented.

Funny what leftover steamboat food can do to a bunch of people. That or the pre-packaged bak kut teh soup base used for the steamboat.

For the past couple of weeks, we've had a miniseries on men, women and marriage at church. It was very good though possibly may be a little controversial for some people. But for me it was all good reminders of things that I have already known before.

However, when finishing up the miniseries on the topic of men, I have had one of the strongest rebukes I have heard from the front of the church. It was a rebuke that was harsh, stern and dare I say one that shook me up a lot. It was right there and then that I realised that I am still not a man but boy, one who lacks maturity and ownership of responsibilities. I remember walking home after church praying because it had so shaken me up that there was nothing else left to do but to pray. I can't remember when was the last time I did that but it certainly was about time.

And if that wasn't enough, the rest of the week demonstrated that I am far from being that person of maturity and responsibility. The need to not want to be tied down with responsibilities such as at work, pushing them away by using some lame excuse, not owning up etc. just seems to rear its ugly head out every time. Now that I am examining my past decisions and what the outcomes were, it was no wonder that I have been constantly disappointed by how it turned out to be because of my attitude. The past became so much clearer and a lot less rose-tinted.

The art of manliness as it turns out, is just more than just what you wear or how you wear it or how you interact with other people. I think all of these things are secondary to how you respond to a call. Whether it is a call to do the work, a call of confession, a call to ministry and possibly the call to arms, the right response to these calls is what defines a man.

Needless to say, that I am in a pretty tough situation personally but I can only hope that I will learn something out of this, and learn it before spiral down even further. Acknowledgement of the problem is the first step. Hopefully I don't stay there.

--------------------------------------
I have been so tired over the past few weeks because of all the work that I have to do that Saturday has really been my Sabbath. As it was back in the old days. Does watching videos of corgis count as work on the Sabbath? Great mystery indeed.

All this intense bass playing over the pass few weeks has clearly been paying dividends. Fingers getting more callous, starting to play more complex stuff with some sort of continuity and all round awesome feeling when you finally nail it. Only thing that I need to work on more is to improvise more and get myself playing at faster than usual tempos.

Given today's sermon in Joshua 10, I thought this was pretty appropriate.

Should nothing of our efforts stand
No legacy survive
Unless the Lord does raise the house
In vain its builders strive

To you who boast tomorrow's gain
Tell me what is your life
A mist that vanishes at dawn
All glory be to Christ

Chorus:
All glory be to Christ our king
All glory be to Christ
His rule and reign we'll ever sing
All glory be to Christ

His will be done, His kingdom come
On earth as is above
Who is Himself our daily bread
Praise Him the Lord of love

Let living water satisfy
The thirsty without price
We'll take a cup of kindness yet
All glory be to Christ

Chorus

When on the day the great I Am
The faithful and the true
The Lamb who was for sinners slain
Is making all things new

Behold our God shall live with us
And be our steadfast light
And we shall ere his people be
All glory be to Christ

Chorus

Meanwhile, in the other sermon of 1 Peter, there are many other things for me to think about.

One of the jamming sessions that I've had today, I've learnt something so counter intuitive about playing music that it's actually very liberating. I think most music teachers won't have the gall to do something like what has been done today and even more might be rolling in their graves.

In a band of four, we all just played a regular 4 chord progression of an instrumental section of a song and we took turns swapping instruments but we all must have a go at playing a melody freestyle on the keys. No instruction on how to play a melody or even construct one, just freeform and almost random according to your own measure of where the music is taking you. What I thought would be an epic car crash of just horrible melodies clashing with the underlying chords turned out to be not so bad. In fact, it actually sounded good nearly most of the time. Even little ol' me who hasn't touched the keys in years nor have basic motor skills to play the piano was thoroughly surprised what I can spit out. What sorcery is this??

The underlying principle is that we never actually really playing something at random, we already have pre-formulated ideas about what we are going to play based on past music that we have listened to. Not only do we have pre-conceived melodies, we also have pre-determined timings or intervals between notes of the melody. We bring all of this to the keys and we just let it flow. More often than not, it's generally "correct" and it's almost how you would imagined it in your head. Of course, it could be better with more practice and more knowledge but I am still pretty surprised at the base results.

This goes against what I have been forcing myself how to learn new things especially on the bass. There is a way on learning how to make a bass fill or how to make the bass into a more lead instrument, it's just that I couldn't get it or I have found out THE method to get there. What this practice session meant was that, it doesn't matter what you play as long as you let go and you end up in the general direction that you want to be in. This takes a huge step further from the saying "Fake it till you make it" to be "Fake it, you'll make it". What happens after that is just a matter of refinement and not correction like what you have played is "wrong". So counter intuitive, so deep and yet so liberating.

Only now do I finally begin to understand how some of the great musicians become so great. They are so good at being unconscious and unknowing of what they play, that it becomes like second nature to them and just follow where the music takes them. Great music playing/creation and creativity doesn't come from careful specific instruction but learning to let go.

In some ways, it's a lot like life.

----------------------------------
Another thing that I thought was good was the fact that we spent almost as much time praying as we did practicing. It might be good for church, if only we can move practices to another day apart from Sunday itself.

Came back from the Word in Song conference for this year and it has been a humbling experience to see so many people being passionate about being in the music ministry in their respective churches. Met a number of people there that are still serving in the music ministry that are well into their 50s, 60s or even 70s. There were a few folks who are like in their late 50s or early 60s in the bass workshop and some have been playing bass for as long ago as my first memory. I also feel honoured that I can offer up some pieces of advice to some of these folks trying to improve their bass techniques. We are all coming together to learn from one another and learning how to serve more effectively in the music ministry. 

I thought that the sermon was very good though could use a little more time to package it up nicely but the gist is there, which is on the topic of God's glory in the Old Testament and in the New Testament. It really put's a lot of things into perspective when we learn that the primary purpose is to glorify God and having a proper understanding of what does it mean to glorify God. Not to mention attitudes corrected just simply by understanding God's glory and it has certainly provoked me to examine my attitudes towards the music ministry.

The thing that I don't understand is that no one else from church came for the conference. Though it was publicised some time ago among the musicians, apparently there were very few responses and decided that it was not worth it to come in as a group. It baffles my mind even further that there was a whole contingent from our church who went to last year's conference. Even more baffling was that everyone who went to the previous year's conference all thought that it was really good and it is really worth thinking about or even implementing some of the said things learned at the conference. And with one of this year's seminars was Playing in a Group of Three or Less, which is directly applicable to the current church setting, how is it that no one wanted to go? I'm not going to even mention the heaps of other topics that are of great use to us, like Evangelism in Song, Song Writing, Picking Excellent Songs etc. Why is that? Are we not proactive enough? Are we not passionate about the music ministry?

Thinking about what has changed from this time last year to now, how has the music ministry changed in light of the conference. To be really honest, not a great deal once past the post-conference stage. I feel really sad that it has come down to this. I'm not expecting for church to become like the next Hillsong or Planet Shakers, but it's got to say something when we still have the same lukewarm attitude towards approaching music. If the music team is supposed to be helping the congregation to sing praises and given the lukewarm behaviour, what does the congregation think about the one aspect of worship that is singing songs? Do we lack discipline to hone our craft that we can serve better in the music? Do we lack preparation?

It is perhaps that I am overreacting to it all. Perhaps I do not know the whole picture or reading too much into things. Maybe my vision has been clouded with bias. You tell me. Because after two years of conferences and meeting the many people who are much more passionate about serving in the music ministry than I am and looking at our ministry, I can tell you that something doesn't add up. It's not about comparing between other churches and ours because some of these people on fire come from churches smaller than we, but the hearts of service should be on the same page with one another.

So what am I going to do about it all? After the conference, I am humbled by the message and listening to the suggestions and struggles of others. And really the only thing that I can bring is to extend encouragement to those who are in the team that I am serving with. But I can only go so far if people still do not want to change.

And of course, above all, to pray.

On a more positive note, I really love my new mechanical keyboard. It's loud but the feel is very nice and typing actually feels better now. Not only that, the sound it makes when typing is also quite satisfying. For a lack of a better phrase, I might call it crunchy. The slightly better word would be in Malay, slightly "ranggup".

Best of all, I am now rest assured that all the keys that I press registers. Perfect for the times that I need to type with my face ahlskdhfnlaweuyxqwuioymuxajumxfhslkuhcfq78iyr bo7atxnadyfugaksmefoqwgiydufxntmnfytealoxysmfyjfgsayjalEGTCWYURfhalnxajdh....

Today has shown even more evidence that I do not feel happy about anything anymore. I have been presented with very wonderful news from a good friend...and nothing. Obviously I show the signs of external elation but deep down, nothing more than a fizzle. I must say that I feel very honoured and privileged to be one of the few people to know about it. Either that or I am just very lucky to hear of it. Despite hearing this, I show all the signs of being extremely happy but I know that I am just plain lying.

Why is it that I cannot feel happiness for others any more? My only guess is that I am actually unhappy about myself and I cannot translate that self-unhappiness into happiness for others. Perhaps in my subconscious level that I am struggling with something and that this struggle is inhibiting me from not focusing on myself. Well actually that is a lie too, I do know what I am struggling with but that is subject for another conversation. 

Thinking about all of this and how I have felt in the past several years, I think my main sin is self-pity. That may come across as something strange to most people but self-pity is actually a very comfortable if not slightly miserable place to be in. There is nothing good about me, nothing special that I have. Which I think is a bit funny because before God broke me back in 2008, he was dealing with my sin of pride. That everything can and will be achievable by my efforts, I have planned everything out because I know it was the most natural thing to do. I was good at it. Now it seems that I have swung in the complete opposite. Perhaps what I am experiencing is God's hand at correcting me of my self-pity and I feel it is just the beginning.

Who knows how long this correction might take. If it is anything like my last correction, it will take years. All I do know is that my prayers have become, for a lack of a better phrase, more desperate, more fervent. Because no one likes to be in this position and there is got to be something better than this. 

Hanging out with some friends during ANZAC day was something that I haven't truly done a long time. Just having lots of laughs, playing games and eating junk food all day. I can remember 3-4 years ago when this was pretty much happening every week but due to the course of lives being played out over the years, I'd be fortunate to have it once every two months. And yet, despite the fun that I still had, it still doesn't feel the same anymore. It's becoming harder and harder to have hangouts anymore for somewhat obvious reasons. Everything becomes so transient and, at the risk of sounding very self-centred, not feeling valued by people around anymore. My personal pursuits have been diminished and often feels very meaningless, like my current phase of finding the right mechanical keyboard. Time grows slow during the weekends and fast during the weekdays. Everything just feels so...bleh.

But I have to hope that something good will come my way and try and take on whatever opportunities that have been presented. I just have to. Because otherwise it's just too depressing. 

----------------------------------------------
At a conversation recently, I was asked whether I find couples boring. I thought it was such a strange question to ask. It sounds as though I am some kind of a thrill seeker, something that will grab my attention like a hyperactive dog or a cat trying to chase a red laser dot. All I want is just to be comfortable and in good company. The trouble I find with couples is that I'm never in both states at the same time, and sometimes, in neither. For the record, there are very few things that I find boring. Yes, not even cricket.

----------------------------------------------
If there were such a thing as a biological clock for guys, I am definitely feeling it now. All thanks to that little hangout with some friends during ANZAC day. In the meaning time, it is worth while pondering the line that comes from the current Most Awesome Woman on the Intertubes, Jane:

It is better to be single for stupid reasons than to be married for stupid reasons.

Apologies for the interleaved Malay and English in the video above.

After reading the biography part of the book Standing In The Shadows of Motown, I've grown to respect James Jamerson even more. Not only was he a person with extraordinary talent on the bass, but he was also quite a character. He is a character that I can totally identify with, a little weird, generous, a family man, a behind-the-scenes man, a forgive-and-forget bass player. And then there are other attributes that I'm not, short fused, severe alcoholic (maybe just a little bit for me on this one) and few more. In short he is a well rounded character.

But one person that I think should deserve more credit than what is stated on paper is actually his wife. Most people generally credited her (and their children) as the anchor to the sometimes turbulent soul that resides in James. Given the history that James have had over the course of his career, her support really deserves a lot more mention. And unlike lots of celebrity stories, James never divorced and still loved his wife until he passed away. Often they would have disagreements or sometimes worse but they still somehow manage to hold the fort together.

You don't hear that very often these days. People get very cynical about marriage considering the how common it is to hear people getting divorced due to "irreconcilable differences". More stories like this needs to be out there and not just the genius that comes with people like James.

Oh, and the reason why James deserve that title are for bass lines like these back in a time where it is inconceivable to think of something like these:

One of those times where you were almost sure that some events can't be coincidences. Wrestling about what joy looks like as stated in the last post, a new insight just came while jumping on the Youtube train from one song to another in preparation for playing music in church tomorrow. I will leave it to the video below and an excerpt to explain.

It's hard for me to be happy about anything these days. It's a very weird state to be in, especially in the midst of an existential crisis. Besides the questions of identity and purpose, the question of what should I be happy about also come to mind. I'm not depressed though some form of depression do creep in from time to time nor am I grumpy but I'm not happy about anything either. I just, am. Just the thought of that drives me insane.

They say happiness rides on human emotion and is about as stable as ocean waters. And what really matters is contentment where I have enough for my daily needs and does not depend on the inherent instability of emotions. But there must be a kind of joy experienced by someone who is content, one that does involve the emotions but not based on it. It is precisely this joy that I lack or have not fully come to terms with it. 

I am somewhat glad that I am not the only one in this household that is going through this phase. Also because we are the only single ones in the house, which is about right given our age. Singles, or in the words of a friend, "kesian singles", hit this phase pretty early on and pretty much all of them do. The married people experience it much later, if at all, during the so called mid-life crisis or after retirement. It's good to know that someone else is in the same, often reclusive stage as myself.

At the end of the day, I just want to know what does happiness in contentment look like, what does it feel like. Because I am certainly content, I'm just not very happy about everything including myself. Or rather I'm just very neutral on the angry-happy scale. And I know this is not quite right.

Optimism and pessimism can be a pain sometimes. I am naturally pessimistic about anything I do or my abilities (no confidence) and I am naturally optimistic about the future of anything or anyone (confidence) but my own. I get panic fits just thinking about whether should I be optimistic or pessimistic. Even worse is that I oscillate between one or the other and feeds back into the anxiety that I already hold and amplify it. It's hard to just see things objectively about the unknown. That the glass is just half. No mention of being empty or full. Just half.

I like it that way.

It's not everyday that a once in a lifetime opportunity comes knocking at your door. Rarer still if you did absolutely nothing for that. Now it is at the final stage where I wait for a simple answer, yes or no. And when I stop and think about it, it is nothing short of amazing how on earth I got into this position. It was the smoothest process I've had to endure, many things that could have gotten wrong or the door slammed shut simply did not happen, yet. But whatever the outcome, that was one heck of a ride.

And so I wait.

50-50

The 9 days I spent in Singapore was a heck a lot of fun. During those days, met up with a lot of people, both former high schoolmates and former OCFers. All of them gave me my dose of comic relief. I seriously think that Singaporeans are the funniest people whether they know it or not. Or rather, Singaporeans say and do the darnest things. The best was an incident regarding a slow cooker. So good was the laugh that my friend who was with me had to apologise on behalf of Singaporeans. 

The other common theme was the constant "nagging" of coming to Singapore to work from friends. There are a lot of things that I like about Singapore. In many ways they are playing catch-up with the Melbourne culture which is great. Many times I thought to myself that I can get used to Singapore. It feels comfortable. But I know that there are other problems lurking beneath as mentioned by my fellow Singaporean friends. In the line of work that I am looking into if I do decide to come here and work, there are plenty of issues that I may not want to get into. Work culture is another turn off. It kinda made a little bit of sense that Singapore regularly shows up as one of the unhappiest nation.

And so I still remain divided. It's another one of those cases whether the grass is greener on the other side. More often that not, it's still the same shade of green except a different kind of grass.

Geography and History Lesson

First visit to a South East Asian country apart from my home country and Singapore. Phnom Penh was an interesting city in that it kinda reminded me of old Penang mixed with a rural town. After going to the sites made famous during the Khmer Rouge reign in the mid-70s, it is very hard to not be moved by it. War sets back the progress of a nation by at least a generation, Cambodia is no exception. Much has progressed since the end of the war but you still see many of the consequences of war still present. 

After visiting the killing fields of the Khmer Rouge, one can't help but think that this is a more heinous act of genocide than the Holocaust. I am not trying to water down what happened during the Holocaust, it's still a brutal act. But it's one thing to eradicate people of a different nation but it's another thing to eradicate your own people. It is said that every person in Cambodia has known at least one person within the family who have died at the hand of the Khmer Rouge during its 3 year reign. The many ways in which these people died seem to be more brutal and savage than what the Third Reich did to the Jews. The seemingly greater injustice was that when the Khmer Rouge were eventually toppled, most of the Khmer Rouge including the leader Pol Pot, lived to ripe old ages. They even died of old age, free from wrath of a nation persecuted from one of its own. 

Angkor Wat was everything I've heard and more. It was massive and even more amazing when seen in person. The detail in its architecture was nothing short of phenomenal. And Angkor Wat is just the most well known of the temples around. There are hundreds more of varying size with the same kind of attention to detail. One can imagine what it must have felt when the first explorers stumbled upon this area centuries after it was abandoned.

Tonle Sap Lake appeared in much of our geography textbooks in Form 3 and seem to provide everything. A visit there turns out to be rightfully so. It may not look like much but fish caught here are sold all over the country. You may even mistake it for an ocean because doesn't appear to be surrounded by land.