I am apparently not alone to say that this year's Christmas feels the least Christmas-y ever. There are less people than usual on the streets, it feels less festive and certainly not something to look forward to. And yet I can see that there lots more people out there who feel that it's the most joyous Christmas. This is probably the first Christmas that I've been in where I didn't celebrate with family nor belong to a family-like presence.
As a kid, I had my ideals about Christmas, ideals that still stuck with me many years later. I absorbed American culture so much as a kid that I often wonder what would I give in order to experience that, including Christmas time. The beautifully decorated Christmas tree (that is not made by plastic), fireplace going, thick blanket of snow outside, large family gathering under one roof and so on. At that time the only thing that was close enough to that description was actually Chinese New Year. The only differences were that the tree was a kumquat tree, the fireplace replaced with a dinner table and snow for thick humid air.
Nowadays, Christmas seems just like any other day, whether it is Independence Day or September 13th. What joy has already left in my heart, what spring is there in my step. Everything feels so sterile now.
Of course that I haven't forgotten what Christmas is meant to signify and I am very thankful for that. In fact there is a great deal of things that I am very thankful for this year, perhaps even the most thankful that I have been in years. But the thing that I seem to be losing my memory is what does it feel like to be part of a family again. I am largely to be blamed for this and I wish I can do things differently, but I guess the damage has been done. And now I am in a time where my peers are having their own families now (or soon to have), it has further highlighted the feeling of not being in a family even more. My actual family are miles away and its been harder and harder to stay as a family.
And you know, I think that that is the main reason that my personal emotional well being has taken a toll on.
For the few of you who are reading this, may your Christmas be one that is full of the sense of belonging, be it with others or your own. May you are able to share that joy with others even to that weird little guy down the corner. Also may you know that this is when a man came into the world and he is called...
God With Us.
And in these last hours of Christmas left, have yourself a merry little Christmas.
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