Moses Moment

Thursday, November 12, 2015 at 10:56 PM | Posted by Juwen
You'd sometimes here other Christian say things like "I had a Jacob moment, I wrestled with God about " or referring to being the prodigal son/daughter coming home. And I think that every Christian will identify with people of the past in the bible at some stage in their life. Recently at BSF, I encountered what could possibly a "Moses' moment", specifically in Deuteronomy where he was about to die but not before seeing the promised land from afar.

 What I took away from that and is something that has been lurking in my head since was that maybe this the life I am going live. Moses wanted to go into the promised land and he is more that physically able to get there but God said that it is the end of the road for him and he cannot go any further than Mount Nebo. God lets him see the promised land from there and that is going to be it. It's a so close but yet so far kind of thing. I'm sure that Moses would have been gutted that he couldn't go into the promise land together with the rest of the Israelites because I am sure that he wanted it. But God had other plans and he obediently followed.

 I wonder whether that is me now. I am allowed to be able to see from afar but can go no further. The thought of that is already gutting me but maybe this is the point where I can finally say "I get it, this is it. Your will over mine".

 Something to ponder over the next couple of years...

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Walking-Home Thoughts

Thursday, October 22, 2015 at 10:01 PM | Posted by Juwen
If there is anything that I have learned over the past few weeks is that my instincts are almost always right and my emotions are almost always wrong. I need to learn to trust my instincts more and not listen to my emotions more.

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 The conversations I have had with friends recently further highlight the fact that I don't have people who tell it to me as it is. I really hope this will change because there are fewer and fewer things in life that bring me joy.

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 I should do more bait-and-switch moves in my conversations with friends. People can have almost the opposite reaction when given just a little more information, which I find slightly hypocritical. Though it will give me great insight on how people think, it will have no other benefit than my own.

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 Because I am real lazy, I haven't had any dinners since Monday. And because I like things that are complete, should I not have dinner until this week is over?
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 The lonely death of George Bell.

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Forget-Me-Not

Thursday, October 15, 2015 at 11:59 PM | Posted by Juwen
The first time I heard of the forget-me-not, I thought to myself "Isn't that a great thing to not forget about someone?". The 7 year old me then thought it was kinda awesome that to see plants that remember its original shape after being disturbed and won't get tired of testing the limits of that claim. Now years later, it is a double edged sword to not be able to forget someone. 

On the one hand, the memories you carry of these people remind you of the many good things that came from this person, even if it all ends up down the drain. On the other hand, those same memories will cause friendships to never be the same again, never quite getting to where it once was. It would have been better if you had not remembered the person and be complete strangers once again than to be strange friends.

I was talking to a friend today about the things that I have been going through over the past week and said friend mentioned that there are not many people that she remembers a person that she likes or cares for, let alone the reasons why she likes them or cares for them. And in revealing my blessing and my curse, I remember every single one of them and can list down the reasons why I particularly like or care for them. It's a pretty long list of people I might add. I know that it all the cases, things will never get back to the way things were because I remember and it can be a little agonising. People used to think that living forever is an awesome thing but there are equally enough fiction on why that is such a terrible idea. I'm pretty sure that it works kind of the same way as remembering people.

In most cases where I have been in this same position, no doubt it truly sucks to be in it. But this time, it sucks even harder knowing that I tried to do the right thing and it still doesn't work. All other times, I've hardly done a thing and I have myself to blame and rightfully so. This time, I don't even have myself to blame since I know I tried to do the right thing, it just doesn't work at all with me. And so another name shall be added to the list, with even more of people's memories burned in my brain. 

I'm just so tired of always being in the same spot time after time. Which makes the promise I made 3 years ago, which will come into effect in 2 years time, something for me to look forward to. No longer will I be disappointed with my actions and feel that everything I do just sucks. I will lose a lot of the things that I want to have in keeping that promise but perhaps I will have much to gain. It will be difficult, probably the most difficult thing that I might possibly face. But there will be a time.

In the meantime, I think it has taken me more than 30 years to start to learn making friends. I mean truly making and maintaining friendship. Because it has dawned upon me that I never really did make lasting friendships, just long enough to last through different seasons, as my friend told me. And the opportunity has just presented itself on a silver platter.

Recently I was asked to be one of two of the groomsmen for a friend's wedding. I have never been a groomsman, which is a testament to the number of people who think that I have stuck through. This friend of mine revealed that he has never really had close friends apart from his fiancé, same as me except for the fiancé part. And to think that he would ask me to be one of the groomsmen is somewhat surprising. Perhaps this is the first test for having a close friend. To reach out and to be vulnerable with one another. Hopefully the first of many.

It seems like we both need it.

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The Void

Sunday, October 11, 2015 at 8:05 PM | Posted by Juwen
Over the years of writing this blog, I have many different phases of writing styles. From the downright babbling away what my everyday life looks like to the things that make me think and feel. It usually takes something significant from not writing anything regularly for this long and this is no different. 

 I am re-examining the reasons why I write and why I don't write. And it all comes down to pretty much one thing, a place where I can yell into a void. Why I don't write is because of the content of what I am about to yell will be read by the very people who are involved in my said yelling, but I want to yell. Why I write is essentially the same thing, except it affects no one and I still get to yell into the void. 

 Judging by the viewership of this site now, I can now yell as much as I want now until I decide to deprecate this blog. That time will be another 2-3 years, maybe sooner but definitely not later so I am going to make use of this time to be cathartic.

 I feel really shitty right now. It probably would have been much worse if the circumstances in which it made me feel shitty dragged on a little longer. But the intensity of the shitty-ness is still bad enough that I will sit in this for quite awhile. I'm trying to distract myself from all of this but so far it's done nothing to it. Played badminton for 2 hours straight without a break because I want to expend all my energy but that isn't enough. Right now that bottle of wine sitting in my cabinet is looking mighty tempting. I think what makes it even worse is that, as much as I can say to people that I feel pretty shitty without divulging details, people instantly give advice on how to get over that shitty feeling. No, I don't want wise words, at least not just yet. There is a time for such advice and unfortunately people don't get that. Job's friends certainly didn't, in fact they did more damage by opening their mouths. I just want people to just to be still, and maybe listen.

 At church, we've talked a lot about friendship (through David and Jonathan) and community (a running theme in our current series). I can say that I don't have a friend that I can confide in whenever I feel absolutely rubbish and I'm sure people don't see me that way either. I'm pretty good at listening to relative strangers mainly because I know that there are no strings attached once we part ways. I'm shitty that way.

 I'm a shitty friend, a shitty person which I'm sure all have an effect on why I feel so shitty right now.

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Living Dangerously

Saturday, May 9, 2015 at 12:51 AM | Posted by Juwen
It is a dangerous thing to do things by yourself, especially doing the kind of things that would normally require the good company of friends. Watching a movie, going to a gig, dinners. Do too much of it and you are left with the toxic idea that you can get used to this, or worse, much rather prefer it that way.

 I hate living dangerously.

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Mere Mortality

Tuesday, February 24, 2015 at 10:43 PM | Posted by Juwen
50/50, like some of the movies I watch, starts with a very superficial reason for wanting to watch it *cough* Anna Kendrick *cough*. Little did I know the point of the movie would soon work its way into my reality. And my recent talks with my mouse housemate on the topic of cancer brings to light even more of the complexities with dealing with some forms of aggressive cancer, both medically and psychologically. 50/50 is one of those movies that are inspired by true stories, in this case, the afflicted one was one of the writers. It captures some of the lighter side of things while not skimping on the weight of staring at the face of death. More often than not, the movie informs me how to handle cancer when a friend is the one going through it.

 There is one scene in the movie where it speaks so strongly, where Adam found out that his some what jerk of a friend (but best friend) Kyle was reading a book on how to deal with a friend having cancer, out of sight aka. in the toilet. I would rather have that one friend who can be and sometimes is a total ass but wants to walk the walk in secret than it is to be surrounded by friends who are only there show that they care but not act like they do. I think that was pretty moving. Also the part where Adam finally snaps and stares face to face at his own mortality. That was amazing.

 Just today at BSF, as an ice breaker question, we were asked if we would rather know the exact time of our death or the cause of our death. I think most people would have chosen the cause of their death so that they can try to avoid anything that will lead to their death. I, of course, chose the former. If I were asking the question, I would have asked a slightly different one. Would you rather die a quick but lonely death or a slow painful death with friends and family around you?

 Now all of these questions are only teasers at best on what are we going to do when facing our own mortality when we still view our lives as nowhere near dropping dead. Most of the time we think about it for awhile, dwell on it and its ramifications and then continue on with living the lives that we were living as if the question had not been asked. Some experiences or thoughts about death can only be realised when the one closest to you or, God forbid, yourself starts playing a game of chess with Death. There is a hint of that while I was watching Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix when Luna explained to Harry that he could see Thestrals because he had seen death.

 What do you see about death? Do you try to extend your mortality only to know later that it is not a chase you can win, or do you take the words "carpe the hell of the diem", or do you take the Ecclesiastical stance of knowing what your duty is while you are living a life that is merely a thread on the time-space continuum.

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 I think my two year cycle is winding down to an end. Sad but not that it was entirely unexpected.

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 On a lighter note, just found out that one of my new colleagues is a Christian when she showed up for BSF through a mutual friend of ours. Pretty random.

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Multiverse

Monday, February 16, 2015 at 12:01 AM | Posted by Juwen
I am constantly amazed by how debilitating it is with "What if?" scenarios. Every once in awhile, one goes through this, whether it is deciding on a career move, a dive in the relationship pool, financial planning, theological uncertainty or an exercise in scientific rigour. We can be so paralysed by these scenarios, not even factoring in the decisions that come with these scenarios that it affects you for a long time, if not, the rest of your life. Either that we fear we make the wrong choices that ultimately leads to our undoing or live long enough to regret the tale. 

 Reminders of regrets come in many forms, some in an object like a bad deal of a house. Or the lack of an object like an empty bank account because we went all in for a "sure thing" that went south. But I think, the worst of them all comes in a form of a person. Whether it was a friend, a partner or a lover, just their very presence evokes so much feelings of regret. As much as you have move on from that regret, nothing short of the disappearance of the person will make the thoughts of regret go away.

 (Ironically as I'm writing this, there are a bunch of drunk guys outside my house singing and I'm thinking whether they might regret their big night out on a Sunday)

 I encounter people like that almost on a daily basis, one that resurrects my regrets and like clockwork, I go into the whole alternate reality role-play. What if I had done things differently? What if I did tell? What if I got terminal cancer (this one's my favourite)? And I would play them all like a recorded TV show simultaneously. I'd play them all to its logical end and I'll snap back to my own reality, feeling crappier than I was before my regrets surfaced.

 Then I usually come to the conclusion that there is nothing likeable/loveable about me or anything good in the skills I have or in me. Then I will think about if the multiple universes theory is true, there must be a version of me that I would have not that regret. But will I be happy in this version of me? I suspect not, for there are many more regrets stored up for me in whatever version of me there is out there.

 Regrets or rather the thought of regrets being evoked can only be resolved in one place and one place only. This is something that I must learn to do and rely on everyday. It is also the series that we are going through at church on happiness and the Beatitudes.
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Matthew 5:3-4 

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I've first heard of Lecrae when I was heading out to badminton and my friend introduced me to this artist since my knowledge of Christian hip-hop/rap is a bit lacking. And after listening to the interview with him on how he has personally terminated the life of his unborn child and how that led him to writing a song about it. Some of the things he says during his reflection were things that I can identify with and feel that it is possible for me to the same thing had I have been in his shoes then and leads me to a more complete understanding about the issues of abortion, that there is no easy answer. 

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Fifteen

Friday, January 2, 2015 at 1:08 AM | Posted by Juwen
2014 has, by and large, been a very eventful and positive year for me. Everything from interviewing at Facebook in Hong Kong, the Epic North America trip, WWDC, the super whirlwind trip to Singapore for the wedding of the century and ending it with some great company, lots of drinks and some pretty hilarious board games. It is very unusual that I have an eventful year so there is going to be some pretty big shoes for 2015 to fill. Or any other year in fact. But I think the most important of all, is that it is the year that I felt God's presence in a way that I have never felt before. That you know without a shadow of a doubt that He is there. And that is supremely profound thing to experience.

 It is also the year where lots of relationships have shifted. Equally as many people got married as there are people getting engaged, my sister including. Most people I know have never been happier with all the relationships that have moved around, whether personally or just the people around them. Everyone have something or someone to look forward to.

 This is the year where I have decided to take that leap of faith in shaking up a lot of my relationships that I have (or what's left of them). Stepping down from playing music in a church that I have been in for the past decade has been a very difficult decision to make but have made it anyway. Which I think it is a good time for me to do that because I think it is about time that I try serving in other areas in my current church, one where I can now fully say that it is my home church. One where I will be spending more time trying to build the relationships that I have started there. Another aspect is that a friend that I have known for more than 5 years is moving interstate and she is the glue that binds a lot of us together. It is going to be a great challenge maintaining that relationship with the others now that she is no longer going to be around.

 Now in the new year, more than ever, I will have a lot to deal with my relationships. I am terrible at maintaining them, not to mention that I am a terrible friend. But mostly, searching for a core group of friends is going to be difficult. It is said that you would have at most 5 really good friends in your lifetime, one that will know you inside out. I can confidently say that I have none for the longest time. Either that I am too lax with catching up with people or that people are not that interested in this square. Whatever the case, something has got to give.

 So I welcome 2015 with open arms yet with caution that I will not become my own undoing.

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 3 more years.

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