On the one hand, the memories you carry of these people remind you of the many good things that came from this person, even if it all ends up down the drain. On the other hand, those same memories will cause friendships to never be the same again, never quite getting to where it once was. It would have been better if you had not remembered the person and be complete strangers once again than to be strange friends.
I was talking to a friend today about the things that I have been going through over the past week and said friend mentioned that there are not many people that she remembers a person that she likes or cares for, let alone the reasons why she likes them or cares for them. And in revealing my blessing and my curse, I remember every single one of them and can list down the reasons why I particularly like or care for them. It's a pretty long list of people I might add. I know that it all the cases, things will never get back to the way things were because I remember and it can be a little agonising. People used to think that living forever is an awesome thing but there are equally enough fiction on why that is such a terrible idea. I'm pretty sure that it works kind of the same way as remembering people.
In most cases where I have been in this same position, no doubt it truly sucks to be in it. But this time, it sucks even harder knowing that I tried to do the right thing and it still doesn't work. All other times, I've hardly done a thing and I have myself to blame and rightfully so. This time, I don't even have myself to blame since I know I tried to do the right thing, it just doesn't work at all with me. And so another name shall be added to the list, with even more of people's memories burned in my brain.
I'm just so tired of always being in the same spot time after time. Which makes the promise I made 3 years ago, which will come into effect in 2 years time, something for me to look forward to. No longer will I be disappointed with my actions and feel that everything I do just sucks. I will lose a lot of the things that I want to have in keeping that promise but perhaps I will have much to gain. It will be difficult, probably the most difficult thing that I might possibly face. But there will be a time.
In the meantime, I think it has taken me more than 30 years to start to learn making friends. I mean truly making and maintaining friendship. Because it has dawned upon me that I never really did make lasting friendships, just long enough to last through different seasons, as my friend told me. And the opportunity has just presented itself on a silver platter.
Recently I was asked to be one of two of the groomsmen for a friend's wedding. I have never been a groomsman, which is a testament to the number of people who think that I have stuck through. This friend of mine revealed that he has never really had close friends apart from his fiancé, same as me except for the fiancé part. And to think that he would ask me to be one of the groomsmen is somewhat surprising. Perhaps this is the first test for having a close friend. To reach out and to be vulnerable with one another. Hopefully the first of many.
It seems like we both need it.
Posts
0 comments