Over the years of writing this blog, I have many different phases of writing styles. From the downright babbling away what my everyday life looks like to the things that make me think and feel. It usually takes something significant from not writing anything regularly for this long and this is no different.
I am re-examining the reasons why I write and why I don't write. And it all comes down to pretty much one thing, a place where I can yell into a void. Why I don't write is because of the content of what I am about to yell will be read by the very people who are involved in my said yelling, but I want to yell. Why I write is essentially the same thing, except it affects no one and I still get to yell into the void.
Judging by the viewership of this site now, I can now yell as much as I want now until I decide to deprecate this blog. That time will be another 2-3 years, maybe sooner but definitely not later so I am going to make use of this time to be cathartic.
I feel really shitty right now. It probably would have been much worse if the circumstances in which it made me feel shitty dragged on a little longer. But the intensity of the shitty-ness is still bad enough that I will sit in this for quite awhile. I'm trying to distract myself from all of this but so far it's done nothing to it. Played badminton for 2 hours straight without a break because I want to expend all my energy but that isn't enough. Right now that bottle of wine sitting in my cabinet is looking mighty tempting. I think what makes it even worse is that, as much as I can say to people that I feel pretty shitty without divulging details, people instantly give advice on how to get over that shitty feeling. No, I don't want wise words, at least not just yet. There is a time for such advice and unfortunately people don't get that. Job's friends certainly didn't, in fact they did more damage by opening their mouths. I just want people to just to be still, and maybe listen.
At church, we've talked a lot about friendship (through David and Jonathan) and community (a running theme in our current series). I can say that I don't have a friend that I can confide in whenever I feel absolutely rubbish and I'm sure people don't see me that way either. I'm pretty good at listening to relative strangers mainly because I know that there are no strings attached once we part ways. I'm shitty that way.
I'm a shitty friend, a shitty person which I'm sure all have an effect on why I feel so shitty right now.
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