This blog has always been about expressing my thoughts and sometimes my emotions, no matter how vague they are, whether deliberate or not. And sometimes it is fun to detail all of these things to a barely existing audience because I thrive in anonymity. There's also a reason on why I feel this way but I shall not divulge my core reason.
However, there are times where both my thoughts and emotions are in crisis. It may not be apparent in my previous blog posts, either here or in my previous blog environment but it happens.
This is one such time.
Unlike the other crises that came before, this one had hit me pretty hard. This leaves me many questions about what should I do about myself, what should I do to my friends, is it time to uproot and start with a clean slate somewhere else and many more subquestions after that. And so I am left with no choice but begin a purging process that I normally do but on a much more severe level. It is to ensure I have some sort of sanity left and not self-destruct or stare in front of the mirror talking down to myself (I still do this).
The side effect of this process is that I will not be myself for at least 2-3 months. Maybe longer. Some of you, I suspect, from your language and non-verbal cues, that you may have picked up on this already. Forgive me when I'm in this phase. I might come off as crude, cynical, perhaps highly inappropriate, ignoring people, being awkward, withdrawn ie. dead but just bear with me. I ask of you as a friend to not give up on me for I have not much and to those who know me well enough, know that I don't ask for much, if any.
I may even stop blogging for awhile. I was thinking of doing the same to the rest of my social media sites but I think it is too difficult.
I'll see you when I see you.
-------------------------------------------------
Coffee Bean: It's been 7.5 months since you've brought it up. This is the part where you say I told you so. Go ahead. I probably deserve to hear that anyway.
Fun fact: It is also more than 2.5 years since this sort of thing happened the last time.
-------------------------------------------------
"...and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening and good night"
Truman Burbank
Batter Up
Saturday, March 31, 2012
at
6:01 PM
Most people I know are not big fans of baseball but it is a game that I used to try and immerse myself into. Grew up with cartoons featuring lots of baseball references, learned the game, watched a couple of them (during school holidays) and I find it is a highly strategic game and sometimes a little long. Most of the time baseball games are screened on TV (when we finally had access to this old piece of technology called satellite TV) it was during the morning when I had school.
Baseball is one of those sports where it has made its way into culture and even the phrases we use. Perhaps my unusual love for this game grew from a saturated American media that I used to watch a lot. Which probably isn't a surprise that my mentality or emotions tends to be a little American. While clearly being Asian of course.
I don't know why more people don't take up this sport.
------------------------------------------
Went for a friend's concert today and it is the first time it was purely strings. Very nice though I was a little distracted by my plagued thoughts. Could have enjoyed it more.
------------------------------------------
Oh hello, I recognise this place, being second. My doubts may have been justified.
Baseball is one of those sports where it has made its way into culture and even the phrases we use. Perhaps my unusual love for this game grew from a saturated American media that I used to watch a lot. Which probably isn't a surprise that my mentality or emotions tends to be a little American. While clearly being Asian of course.
I don't know why more people don't take up this sport.
------------------------------------------
Went for a friend's concert today and it is the first time it was purely strings. Very nice though I was a little distracted by my plagued thoughts. Could have enjoyed it more.
------------------------------------------
Oh hello, I recognise this place, being second. My doubts may have been justified.
|
0
comments
|
Update
Thursday, March 29, 2012
at
11:58 PM
It has been a crazy 6 weeks at work with another week to go before it is feature complete. Though I'm pretty happy at where it is going I will be extra happy once this is over. Then maybe I can actually take leave for the first time.
Kick-ass bass I has. Kick-ass bass techniques I don't has. Meh.
-------------------------------
I'm having doubts again. Dammit.
Every. Single. Time.
|
0
comments
|
Sad Face
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
at
12:31 AM
I don't normally have a strong feelings of sadness for someone else but today is an exception.
|
0
comments
|
Sapling
Saturday, March 24, 2012
at
11:08 PM
There are times where we have read a passage in the Bible many many times and we glance across the same lessons. It is always a good reminder to revisit some of these things to make sure that we remember them. But every so often, you have the look on your face that just says "Yes I know this already". Then out of many of those times, you stumble across something that you've missed and often times it is to do with the bigger picture. Yesterday was once such a day.
It's the familiar passage of Mark 4, the parable of the sower. We all have been through this before: the seed is the word of God and depending on which soil the seed falls upon represents the responses of people towards God's word. End of story. What was more interesting is that Jesus used the analogy of the seed in the two parables after that which sounds like he is describing the same thing but highlighting different characteristics of it. So in the parable of the seed growing highlights that once the word has been planted it is God who causes the person who receives the word to grow and mature. The next one highlights that even though this word seem so insignificant (like the mustard seed) when it has reached maturation, it is exceeding grand.
So what are the three characteristics about the word of God from Mark 4? One, people will respond differently to it. Two, God grows and matures the person who has received the word and will bear fruit, not the person who sows it. Three, God's word may not look like much but the end result is so much more compared to what we see it on the outside or expect it to be. It's like saying don't be discouraged by the responses you get preaching the word because it is expected to have different results. It is also saying don't worry, God will make people grow in faith and finally be encouraged of what full maturation of the word looks like, which describes the kingdom of God.
It's nice to be able to step back a bit and see the bigger picture.
-----------------------------------------------
I am on the verge of making another big purchase. Must learn to eat grass. On the plus side, I will be venturing into funkier playing styles.
-----------------------------------------------
My Glorified Photo Frame case can't come fast enough.
-----------------------------------------------
I have passed judgment on Toast Bar and its kaya revolution. There are a few things that I know I am right and this is definitely one of them.
It's the familiar passage of Mark 4, the parable of the sower. We all have been through this before: the seed is the word of God and depending on which soil the seed falls upon represents the responses of people towards God's word. End of story. What was more interesting is that Jesus used the analogy of the seed in the two parables after that which sounds like he is describing the same thing but highlighting different characteristics of it. So in the parable of the seed growing highlights that once the word has been planted it is God who causes the person who receives the word to grow and mature. The next one highlights that even though this word seem so insignificant (like the mustard seed) when it has reached maturation, it is exceeding grand.
So what are the three characteristics about the word of God from Mark 4? One, people will respond differently to it. Two, God grows and matures the person who has received the word and will bear fruit, not the person who sows it. Three, God's word may not look like much but the end result is so much more compared to what we see it on the outside or expect it to be. It's like saying don't be discouraged by the responses you get preaching the word because it is expected to have different results. It is also saying don't worry, God will make people grow in faith and finally be encouraged of what full maturation of the word looks like, which describes the kingdom of God.
It's nice to be able to step back a bit and see the bigger picture.
-----------------------------------------------
I am on the verge of making another big purchase. Must learn to eat grass. On the plus side, I will be venturing into funkier playing styles.
-----------------------------------------------
My Glorified Photo Frame case can't come fast enough.
-----------------------------------------------
I have passed judgment on Toast Bar and its kaya revolution. There are a few things that I know I am right and this is definitely one of them.
|
2
comments
|
Achtung
Saturday, March 17, 2012
at
2:30 PM
At some point in time we Asians have had this discussion before, how the year we were born produces some stereotypes particularly related to Chinese zodiac. For example, people born in the year of the dragon tend to be a lot more vocal. Like anything related to mumbo-jumbo like that it is to be taken lightly but every now and then you indulge yourself in some of these stereotypes because there are many things out there that have absolutely no relation to us but just sparks that little feeling inside that just says "Hey, that sounds like me". Because we all like to identify ourselves with something apart from ourselves.
I was born in the year of the rat, sneaky little creature according to the story of how the zodiac was formed. But rather than identifying myself as the sneaky little one, I'd take the quietness and low key behaviour of a rodent. For the many years that I have cleaned the church, I've always told people that I'm the church mouse, wandering around church at night when no one is around, squeaking at...cleaning the church? A timid creature that runs aways whenever the spotlight is on it, occasionally getting myself into trouble by not recognising the mousetrap behind that block of cheese.
Needless to say, I don't handle attention very well. So when recently there was a kaya fest after bible study and they wanted to pit my kaya against others, I naturally felt uneasy and fidgety. There's a number of things that are slightly undesirable about mine which leads me to think that the first response is "meh". In fact that was one of the reactions prior to this but that's another story. Well the result just faded into silence which restored me from my feelings of uneasiness. Then I went back into mouse mode and nibbling on toast and eggs.
When I do things for people, I generally do it for a few select people, some group that stays contained or under a huge veil of anonymity. Having too much attention leaves me uneasy and if it's a question you ask me, I will just deflect it somewhere else or just not answer at all. It's the same thing with approaching a mouse, you don't run after it to catch it. Like mice too, my actions are low key as well.
----------------------------------------------------
Watched The Producers yesterday and it was a further reminder on what I have missed in the musical theatrical world when growing up. The first musical I watched was Starlight Express way back in 1996 in London. A trip where I went through 90% of the trip with no glasses. So I didn't understand the theatre production simply because I couldn't see it and I didn't understand music in theatre (or rather I was ignorant about music then). It was still a nice atmosphere but I didn't get the whole deal. Not to mention that Malaysia lacks good musical production.
It is one thing to love the Disney Renaissance animated films that had musical value but it is an entirely different thing in real life. And so because of this I get annoyed at myself whenever I watched/listened to great musicals shouting deep down "WHICH ROCK HAVE YOU BEEN LIVING UNDER?" Remember, you are talking to the guy who didn't watch The Sound of Music or Mary Poppins in it's entirety until about 2009. The final nail in the coffin was when I listened to the soundtrack of Wicked, the greatest musical I have never seen. I remember when I got the soundtrack it was on loop every day for a good two weeks. My sister was even complaining about it.
I'm friends with people who live and breathe musical theatre and it's hard because I want to be part of that conversation but have zero input (relative to them). No chops man, no chops.
----------------------------------------------------
At some point, I'm going to do. I don't know how or when but I will do it.
I might regret it. Good God what am I doing.
|
0
comments
|
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
