Growing up in environments where I was pretty much by myself has its advantages and disadvantages. That meant that I had to find ways to entertain myself and so get accustomed to boredom, learn how to do things myself, figure how to do those things in the first place and so on. But like some things in life, they are double edge swords. For example, being accustomed to boredom means that it is very hard to take the initiative to go out and do/see/explore new places which means not very cultured. Always sticking to the same few things and neither loving it nor hating it. Melbourne is one of those places where there is always something new to explore, some new place that serves great food and drinks and many more. Unfortunately, being schooled in the art of comfortable and excuse making, I do not take some of these opportunities. Most of the time I rely on friends who are way more interesting to be immersed into some niche subculture. A couple of posts ago on shopping is one such incident.
Another double edged sword is the ability to do things yourself. While this is not a bad thing but the aspect that makes it bad is the lack of discernment on when you have to say "I need help". It is not necessarily an ego thing (perhaps it is in my case. If so tell me) but it is just that you are so used to doing things yourself that you still think that you can do this even if it is going to cause you a great deal of pain in the process. I tend to rationalize situations where I think it is still OK to do things myself and to cause myself a great amount of trouble but other friends think that it is clearly not OK to do it yourself. Added to the mix is that I would prefer that I cause myself trouble than to cause others trouble. That means by default I continue to do it myself until when I can safely say that I need help. Usually by that time it is too late and cause immense trouble for, not only me, but to the person that I have enlisted to help out. And that makes me feel even worse, which reinforces my stance that I shouldn't ask people for help. Vicious cycle, ain't it?
Like many old things of habit are, they are hard to change course the longer the habit has been put into place. So it is no surprise that I am still making the same mistakes I did a decade ago, sometimes even longer. I believe that these flawed habits have shaped me to be the person I am now, all my successes and (outnumbered) failures. I hope that I am changing slowly to correct for my misconceptions and of course I hope that it is not too late for that.
------------------------------
I sometimes revisit past emotions and feelings as a means of understand who I was back then. They are not always positive ones because one shouldn't reflect on just the good things. Recently was one such trip back to the past after accidentally stumbling across some cards lying around. It was a great time where best friends fight it out through thick and thin, share everything, to have the first instinct of telling the friend the moment something comes up. But alas, that no longer happens and it would be great if I could have that environment again. But it was also a time of great criticism, a division of friends. Heck I got "scolded" by a friend on this because he seriously questioned my approach. And he definitely has the credentials to back it up, as of earlier this year. Can you blame me for hiding after that, realizing I should have known better than to dive into something that I haven't really got my head screwed on tight?
Listening to Explosions In The Sky is not really helping right now.
-------------------------------
Got like the funniest Kris Kringle present ever yesterday. A pack of 6 bottles of glittery nail polish. I shall paint my wall with it.
-------------------------------
Now in the new place, I'm having trouble to try and fill the space in the room. I've been living in various shoebox sizes in the past and so don't really accumulate a lot of things. Now that I'm in the biggest room ever since I step foot in Melbourne, I don't know what to do with all this space. It's actually starting to drive me nuts. Plenty of ideas but need the time to actually sort it out. Not to mention implement it, which is pretty hard for a procrastinator.
I'l try not to think twice.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
0 comments