A Christmas Musing

Sunday, December 30, 2012 at 6:00 AM | Posted by Juwen
I wonder how many of us have spent Christmas alone. Or at least with people who you don't know. Most of us, I think, dread at that very idea of spending what is deemed to be the most joyous of all holidays alone. Some can't even fathom what that must be like.

This was the only time that I actually did that. No Christmas with family, no Christmas with friends. Nada. Instead I randomly appeared at a stranger's place, whose invitation flyers were set out on a table outside church, with zero expectation on who is going to be there. Though there were few of us, it was a good experience for me. In fact, it has given me a lot to think about.

The Christmas meal was simple, mostly store bought food. The people came from different backgrounds, with different experiences. One who clearly has lots of questions about Christianity, a couple who met each other literally on the other end of the world and the host who is a volunteer, part time software developer and single in his 60s. Lots of fascinating things thrown around the table as we moved from being strangers to acquaintances. Their life experiences have given me lots to think about.

"God knows that you are not ready" was the one that struck me the most and the most humbling. Of all the head knowledge I have accumulated that would have told me to trust in His timing, it hit me the hardest coming from a stranger. In fact, I believe that it has been the theme throughout my life this year. God's timing. I'm beginning to see more of that.

Life long community service was the other thing that struck me. At some point in time, I should really be preparing myself for this. It used to be lurking at the back of my head but as time goes by, it has been beginning to place itself in conscious thought. Maybe not serious enough but given enough time, it will have to be. 

These two things are somewhat coupled to each other.

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Very well done short, which also makes a good intro to starting church, as did mine.


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The Forgotten Man

Thursday, December 6, 2012 at 2:30 AM | Posted by Juwen
I was at a friend's wedding and when I arrived it was about the time when the bride was going to come out of the venue (it was an outdoor wedding). You see everyone chit-chatting, looking all smart and sharp for the guys and the women were all looking wonderful in their bright dresses. Everyone was waiting for the main event.

 And then the announcement was made. The bridal party is ready and the ceremony is about to start. Everyone took position and stood up to welcome the bride. The music begins to play and as the bridesmaids slowly walked to the altar, eyes are staring at the door patiently waiting. I stood at what I would describe as the best position for this particular wedding. Way at the back, the tree branches stooping low, relatively shorter people in front of me. Framed by the branches and the people is the groom and he smiles at the bridesmaids knowing what is to come next. Finally the bride enters and everyone starts whipping out their cameras, iPhones and the rare iPad and starts taking photos of the bride. This man here did no such thing but instead took a mental image that would be etched in my memory.

 The groom's face shone with delight.

 I was first introduced to this idea of watching the groom at a wedding after I watched the film 27 Dresses. I've only really watched it for the eye candy that was Katherine Heigl but I've also brought back a concept that I did not consider at all from the film. Watching my friend beamed as his wife walked down the aisle was magical, as stated in the conversations in the film. And like the film, just when everyone looks at the bride, I turn to look at the groom. And true enough, just like what Jane said, I saw pure love.

 In the three weddings that I have been to since watching that film, I did just that, to stare at the first reactions of the groom as the bride walks in. All three of them were wildly different but they all say the same thing. I may have been desensitised by almost being surrounded by dresses while living with my sister and have her bride-to-be clients come in and out for fittings. I would like to see, in being a groomsman, what sort of things the groom goes through in the weeks before the wedding or even the day itself though I never was a groomsman. There's always been a lot of care around the bride which is fine but I would like to see some sort of the same care for the groom as well. We seem to have this idea that the groom will be fine, that he is "man" enough even in the face of his own wedding, whatever that means. But if it is anything like the last three weddings I've been to, the man is hardly tough as nails but a deeply emotional person who weeps in joy at the sight of his partner.

 Dusty Springfield and Nat King Cole speaks of the look of love is in the eyes. And I think you don't have to look further than the way the groom watching his bride walking down the aisle. It may be that I may never experience this myself but at least I know what it looks like. And that's perhaps all I'll ever need to know.

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Also, there is no way a groom will not get teary when this is playing as the entrance music. My friend certainly did. I mean I would bawl my eyes out too if I were in his shoes. Excuse me while I curl up in a corner somewhere...

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Discover. Act. Forward.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012 at 2:30 AM | Posted by Juwen
Lots of things flooding my head over the past couple of weeks. Some good but mostly self-reflective.

 During a recent trip with a couple of high school mates to Sydney for a very short stint, it still amazes me that though most of us went on our own separate way, we still act as though we are still in high school. I don't think that many would still be in contact with their own high school mates a decade down the road especially with a whole class. I think it is because we came in at the right time where the internet kicked off with a blast and various social media and messaging tools were available at our disposal. This is on top of the fact that most of us were in the same class for at 4 years in high school, which means we were pretty much are our own little village.

 I can't help but wonder when I go back at the end of the year, will I still be accepted back into the group? For too many years have I missed out on the lives of these wonderful bunch of people in pursuit of my own agenda. Yet there is folly in my pursuits and all the things I have set out to achieve since I've left high school has failed to bear fruit. And many people thought that I have the necessary skills and the willpower to achieve something that most people wouldn't dare dream of. But it's those very things that will prove to be my undoing.

 I'm sure all of these things will not matter in the grand scheme of things, perhaps I will be accepted in the end. That as time goes by, I may once again get to know the friends that I once knew.

 Perhaps what's left of this year and the next is the season for rediscovering friendships and relationships.

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On another recent trip to Rye, I am once again in good company. But it also was a time of great reflection not only as an individual but as a whole group. It was brought up that our group is very quiet, which I would beg to differ considering some of the previous groups that I have been in. But when a friend stated that we still lack the sense of ownership to the group, it suddenly made sense. In fact it was kind of a piercing statement when I heard it. Many times that I was physically present but not there and sometimes I can see others do that as well. And because of this lack of ownership with the group that a number of issues came up that has been going on that I was not aware of ever since I've been in the group.

 Perhaps I didn't understand what community meant. I've always thought that at least we should be doing stuff together, which I do, but it's not sufficient. Community implies relationship and not simply a gotong-royong (working bee). Pro-activeness has never really been a strong attribute of mine but based on the discussion that we've had at Rye, it's about time I do something about it.

 Perhaps what's left of this year and the next is the season to be pro-active.

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I sense another tectonic scale movement in the lives of others. Which means I'm going to set a timer before I channel my energy elsewhere. Nothing personal, just that priorities have been shifted and it's most likely not mine.

 Perhaps what's left of this year and the next is the season for packing up and move elsewhere.

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New Era

Saturday, November 17, 2012 at 8:30 PM | Posted by Juwen
It's been awhile now, partly because I moved again and have been internet-less for weeks. Not to mention that I have a long list of to-do things from work. But more importantly, I have to catch up with all the cat videos ever since I got back my intertubez.

 I don't normally follow any elections which is a behaviour I'm trying to change but the recent US presidential elections kinda caught my attention a bit. But it wasn't the politics that I was interested in but the predictions made by one Nate Silver. He is a statistician who used to work out the career trajectories of baseball players based on a whole heap of data. Only recently he turned his attention to politics, employing the same techniques he used in his previous work. He predicted in 2008 that Obama would win the elections and the correctly called who would win in 49 out of 50 states. Now in the 2012 elections, he also called that Obama would win and not only that he was given a ridiculous 90% chance of winning over Romney. Again he has already correctly called 49 states with Florida still hanging (though he is most likely going to be right).

 You can imagine what happens in the Romney camp when they heard that he called Obama to win the elections. They all say he does not know anything. Ironically, Nate Silver correctly predicted wins for the Republicans in other state elections and has praised him for that. I'll comment on this a little later on. Back to the story, virtually most pundits call this election to be a 50-50 race so for them to hear that Obama has a 90% chance of winning the election, most people dismissed him. Of course that doesn't matter now considering that Obama has won. Post election and pretty much all the pundits who slammed him for "bad" predictions sheepishly said that he was right.

 On a slightly related note, when the technician came over to our place when we needed that telephone cable to be connected, I was talking to him. You know, about how long he has been in the business etc etc. One of the things he mentioned that the way things work around there has changed quite a lot. It doesn't matter how many jobs you do but as long as you press the right buttons and that's how you get paid, he said. He further commented that it's a stats driven world now.

 The point from both these scenarios is that of the technician that came in to install our phone cable, it IS a stats driven world. People still have this idea that statistical predictions are pretty much synonymous with voodoo especially when they correctly predict something seemingly complex with a very small error to boot. Take for example Hurricane Sandy that hit most of the East Coast of the US. Statistical data combined with sophisticated weather models helped predict the trajectory of the hurricane down to within 50 miles. The only thing that they didn't quite get it right was the intensity of the hurricane. The gap between what scientists can do (with statistics included) and what the general public knows about them has gotten larger. And as what I can gather from these two scenarios, even if the public generally accepts that it is a stats driven world, it is viewed as a negative thing. They have resigned to the fact that "voodoo" now powers the world instead of what they would view as objective, measurable and somewhat naive data.

 You don't have to go far to see that stats do indeed power the world. Apart from the elections and Hurricane Sandy, things like SEO, data mining for more effective targeted advertising, supermarket aisle rearrangements, behavioural economics and more. All of this is to tap into the subconscious behaviour of a collective and leverage on that. And it only can be done via a powerful grasp of statistics.

 I once had a lecturer that said, we are now moving from the continuous age to the discrete age and it is only with a strong grasp of statistics that we can start to understand the strange phenomena around us. Mathematics that started in the 1700s all the way to about the early 1900s all had the idea that things in nature can be described as a continuum, everything is smooth, predictable and contains only one answer*. From the 1900s, we get things like quantum mechanics , statistics, probability, data communications and modern economics where there they don't work with exact answers^ but trends. And even then, it's trends given the right data and assumptions. It will take a long time before we get our head around the fact that statistics is a powerful tool to use and more importantly how to use it properly.

 I did say I was going to comment from an earlier paragraph. Despite all of this, we as humans still practice the method that we accept what we want to hear. It is usually from the lack of understanding about the underlying process or just plain ignorant about the data. After many thousands of years, we humans still have the same problem, pride. Even as we advanced as the most technologically advanced species on the planet, our moral compass is still ultimately flawed.

 *this is not technically correct but it is the general view
^again this is not technically correct but you get the idea already

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Micro-Macro

Thursday, October 11, 2012 at 2:30 AM | Posted by Juwen
It seems that most of my content these days are almost solely generated by conversations with friends. More interestingly it's from friends who I've hardly talked to or have distanced myself due to whatever personal reason I had in recent times. This is probably a good thing and at the same time perhaps stoking the fire a little bit.

 After a long conversation on a crummy weekend, busy trying to explain the economics of my actions and feelings, uncovering old wounds and unveiling plans of a seemingly uncertain future, I really am more complicated than I portray myself to be. I am also more brutal than I think I am when it comes down to cost-benefit game. Too many variables, probabilities and weightages to consider. Trying to make the most rational decision based on current trends is my goal because that is how you play the cost-benefit game. What I have seem to gather from a long string of conversations is that often times it's the one irrational decision that actually give rise to the benefit. I cannot and still cannot stomach this because that is not how it works, or so I thought. How can doing something irrational bring the desired benefit instead of the rational? Ironically I have been reading books from a behavioural economist who sees some inherent good in being irrational while nodding my head in agreement.

 Also from my conversations, it made me recall all the people that I have talked to, who at one stage or another, said that they could see themselves live the life I live now. With the exception of people with a degree of separation greater than 2, I remember I've never believed they could. I was right, not a single one of them did. For a kind of sanity check, I look to the few people who have never said anything and living the life, though I admit their reasons are quite different to mine. Although it is not really the case, but they give me some glimmer of hope that though I may not get everything I want (last time I checked, not even one) but I trust that something good will come out of it still. This includes not owning a hedgehog. This. Is. A. Big. Deal.

 In short, I am safe and afraid with a dash of pathetic. In the words of the Lethal Weapon series, "I'm getting too old for this shit".

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I'm still not used to like hearing the phrase "It's good to see people doing well and moving on". It implies certain things.

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4 more DVDs to finishing 28 films in 28 days. And it is only fitting to end it with, you guessed it, 28 Days Later.

 Though a lot of friends don't like it but I think Julie & Julia is a rare kind of film. I would even go as far as advocating engaged couples to watch this during marriage preparation. The reason should be pretty obvious. Plus French cooking.

 I really should start cataloguing my watched films.

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Bleh?

Monday, October 1, 2012 at 2:30 AM | Posted by Juwen
Kinda excited for the next couple of months. We're looking into moving office again after an explosive year, I'm moving again after slightly under a year of hermitting, first iPad dev project and lots of other things. Funny how lots of areas in my life is moving on but the few that I really want to move does not.

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I am super late to come to this realisation but Tina Fey is now my current person to ogle at. After reading this article and watching Date Night and Baby Mama recently, if such a person were to appear in front of me and said "Hi." I will stammer like a broken record and make a complete fool of myself though I have always done so and still do. She is super funny, wonderful person and like the article says have a low view about her appearance but is absolutely gorgeous on all accounts. I'd like that.

 Another one to chalk up on the list of weak-knees-us (see what I did there? Weaknesses? Anyone? No?)

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Today is an example on how a two-man band with proper layering is better than a 5-man band with no layering.

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Someday I will run out of excuses to make. When that comes round, I'll take a bow and just disappear. It's better that way. But I hope that day never comes.

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Correction: people are having really good things going on for them. There's probably no such thing as asking for more contentment (you either are or aren't) but I can try.

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A in Q & A

Monday, September 24, 2012 at 2:00 AM | Posted by Juwen
For many moons I have long contemplated about what is the point of going through so much strife during my PhD years. What good can come out of it? And every time I had to explain to people why my PhD failed, I revisit this question at the end of the day after the said conversation is long over. And though I have made my peace long ago, it still sometimes hurt to hear myself talk again about it. Bonus hurt points if one person mentions the line "So, in the effort of saving one, you ended up losing both". I've asked God many times then and occasionally now, Why?

God has instead shown me this path I'm on which is great but my questions were still left unanswered. I've accumulated many theoretical answers about the question of Why but none has really shown itself to me. You've always known that God is sovereign and every thing will work out in the end but you just don't see it. And it is very tempting to say that all this talk is just rubbish, that every thing will not work out in the end and perhaps the worse thing, is that God is not sovereign. We even sing songs about God's timing and sometimes I can't help but feel it deep down that I'm not sure of all of this.

Recently I had a talk with a friend who I have not seen for quite some time and the topic of my PhD years was asked of me. I gladly stated the whole story also knowing that I am going to revisit this question some time later as usual. But this one was different. It soon became immediately clear that whatever I faced during my PhD years this friend of mine was facing or will face, though this person is in a PhD program yet. Slowly the emotional weight of what this person was carrying was made known and the resemblance was so similiar to mine that it actually felt like it was mine. So I gave my advice and you know, it may not be much but it certainly comforted my friend a lot. We prayed before we left knowing very well my friend had a lot to think about but certainly felt a lot better leaving than coming in.

Call it coincidence, serendipity, fate and what not but that encounter to me was proof enough that this was the reason I went through so much strife in my PhD years. For the first time I get to see what does it actually mean for God to be sovereign. Another bonus is that it is also helping me with my other struggles as well. I am very thankful for that.

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Other people around me are doing well, have good things going for them. I would like to have them as well but I pray for contentness.

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