It seems that most of my content these days are almost solely generated by conversations with friends. More interestingly it's from friends who I've hardly talked to or have distanced myself due to whatever personal reason I had in recent times. This is probably a good thing and at the same time perhaps stoking the fire a little bit.
After a long conversation on a crummy weekend, busy trying to explain the economics of my actions and feelings, uncovering old wounds and unveiling plans of a seemingly uncertain future, I really am more complicated than I portray myself to be. I am also more brutal than I think I am when it comes down to cost-benefit game. Too many variables, probabilities and weightages to consider. Trying to make the most rational decision based on current trends is my goal because that is how you play the cost-benefit game. What I have seem to gather from a long string of conversations is that often times it's the one irrational decision that actually give rise to the benefit. I cannot and still cannot stomach this because that is not how it works, or so I thought. How can doing something irrational bring the desired benefit instead of the rational? Ironically I have been reading books from a behavioural economist who sees some inherent good in being irrational while nodding my head in agreement.
Also from my conversations, it made me recall all the people that I have talked to, who at one stage or another, said that they could see themselves live the life I live now. With the exception of people with a degree of separation greater than 2, I remember I've never believed they could. I was right, not a single one of them did. For a kind of sanity check, I look to the few people who have never said anything and living the life, though I admit their reasons are quite different to mine. Although it is not really the case, but they give me some glimmer of hope that though I may not get everything I want (last time I checked, not even one) but I trust that something good will come out of it still. This includes not owning a hedgehog. This. Is. A. Big. Deal.
In short, I am safe and afraid with a dash of pathetic. In the words of the Lethal Weapon series, "I'm getting too old for this shit".
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I'm still not used to like hearing the phrase "It's good to see people doing well and moving on". It implies certain things.
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4 more DVDs to finishing 28 films in 28 days. And it is only fitting to end it with, you guessed it, 28 Days Later.
Though a lot of friends don't like it but I think Julie & Julia is a rare kind of film. I would even go as far as advocating engaged couples to watch this during marriage preparation. The reason should be pretty obvious. Plus French cooking.
I really should start cataloguing my watched films.
Bleh?
Monday, October 1, 2012
at
2:30 AM
Kinda excited for the next couple of months. We're looking into moving office again after an explosive year, I'm moving again after slightly under a year of hermitting, first iPad dev project and lots of other things. Funny how lots of areas in my life is moving on but the few that I really want to move does not.
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I am super late to come to this realisation but Tina Fey is now my current person to ogle at. After reading this article and watching Date Night and Baby Mama recently, if such a person were to appear in front of me and said "Hi." I will stammer like a broken record and make a complete fool of myself though I have always done so and still do. She is super funny, wonderful person and like the article says have a low view about her appearance but is absolutely gorgeous on all accounts. I'd like that.
Another one to chalk up on the list of weak-knees-us (see what I did there? Weaknesses? Anyone? No?)
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Today is an example on how a two-man band with proper layering is better than a 5-man band with no layering.
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Someday I will run out of excuses to make. When that comes round, I'll take a bow and just disappear. It's better that way. But I hope that day never comes.
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Correction: people are having really good things going on for them. There's probably no such thing as asking for more contentment (you either are or aren't) but I can try.
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I am super late to come to this realisation but Tina Fey is now my current person to ogle at. After reading this article and watching Date Night and Baby Mama recently, if such a person were to appear in front of me and said "Hi." I will stammer like a broken record and make a complete fool of myself though I have always done so and still do. She is super funny, wonderful person and like the article says have a low view about her appearance but is absolutely gorgeous on all accounts. I'd like that.
Another one to chalk up on the list of weak-knees-us (see what I did there? Weaknesses? Anyone? No?)
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Today is an example on how a two-man band with proper layering is better than a 5-man band with no layering.
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Someday I will run out of excuses to make. When that comes round, I'll take a bow and just disappear. It's better that way. But I hope that day never comes.
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Correction: people are having really good things going on for them. There's probably no such thing as asking for more contentment (you either are or aren't) but I can try.
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A in Q & A
Monday, September 24, 2012
at
2:00 AM
For many moons I have long contemplated about what is the point of going through so much strife during my PhD years. What good can come out of it? And every time I had to explain to people why my PhD failed, I revisit this question at the end of the day after the said conversation is long over. And though I have made my peace long ago, it still sometimes hurt to hear myself talk again about it. Bonus hurt points if one person mentions the line "So, in the effort of saving one, you ended up losing both". I've asked God many times then and occasionally now, Why?
God has instead shown me this path I'm on which is great but my questions were still left unanswered. I've accumulated many theoretical answers about the question of Why but none has really shown itself to me. You've always known that God is sovereign and every thing will work out in the end but you just don't see it. And it is very tempting to say that all this talk is just rubbish, that every thing will not work out in the end and perhaps the worse thing, is that God is not sovereign. We even sing songs about God's timing and sometimes I can't help but feel it deep down that I'm not sure of all of this.
Recently I had a talk with a friend who I have not seen for quite some time and the topic of my PhD years was asked of me. I gladly stated the whole story also knowing that I am going to revisit this question some time later as usual. But this one was different. It soon became immediately clear that whatever I faced during my PhD years this friend of mine was facing or will face, though this person is in a PhD program yet. Slowly the emotional weight of what this person was carrying was made known and the resemblance was so similiar to mine that it actually felt like it was mine. So I gave my advice and you know, it may not be much but it certainly comforted my friend a lot. We prayed before we left knowing very well my friend had a lot to think about but certainly felt a lot better leaving than coming in.
Call it coincidence, serendipity, fate and what not but that encounter to me was proof enough that this was the reason I went through so much strife in my PhD years. For the first time I get to see what does it actually mean for God to be sovereign. Another bonus is that it is also helping me with my other struggles as well. I am very thankful for that.
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Other people around me are doing well, have good things going for them. I would like to have them as well but I pray for contentness.
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Made Good, For Better
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
at
12:00 AM
I recently went for a series of talks organised by Ridley College on answering some of our generation's toughest questions and I have to say I was glad that I went for all of them. It was pretty much post-ski trip outings except instead of slaloming down snow capped mountains, it's slaloming through a mine field of tough questions. The one thing that I found to be quite unique with this series of talks is that it's not trying to make Christianity the superior option by beating everything else down. It uses, I think, a more effective way, level the playing field and post the invitation. As I sat through the rest of the talks, all I could think of is this is what the phrase "defending the faith" is really like. This is probably one place where the age-old term "the best defence is a good offence" doesn't quite apply.
Hopefully in the coming days, the recordings of those talks will be up because there are too many things to get a hold on in just about half an hour each session. Not only was it the first real attempt to answering some of my questions satisfactorily but it also answered some of my other questions which I did not expect to be addressed. For some, it helped lighten my burden I've been carrying this year. For most, it was a great refreshment. And what happens after that was good fellowship, something that hardly came by in the past couple of years.
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I came back yesterday to find that my past two posts went up by 50% in readership in one day. On the slowest day of the week. I nearly fell off my chair because of that. Then I realised that my headlines may have something to do with it. Ish.
Hopefully in the coming days, the recordings of those talks will be up because there are too many things to get a hold on in just about half an hour each session. Not only was it the first real attempt to answering some of my questions satisfactorily but it also answered some of my other questions which I did not expect to be addressed. For some, it helped lighten my burden I've been carrying this year. For most, it was a great refreshment. And what happens after that was good fellowship, something that hardly came by in the past couple of years.
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I came back yesterday to find that my past two posts went up by 50% in readership in one day. On the slowest day of the week. I nearly fell off my chair because of that. Then I realised that my headlines may have something to do with it. Ish.
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Please Ignore This
Monday, September 3, 2012
at
12:00 AM
This week was probably one of the hardest weeks for me emotionally in recent times. Just when I thought getting out of the massive project last week was going to give me rest.
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I count myself as extremely fortunate to have met people who I would classify as seriously awesome people and call them as friends. I wonder from time to time what did I do to deserve this of which I can clearly answer with a big fat Nothing. And sometimes that worries me.
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It seems that no matter where I go and who I am with, there is always something to remind of my struggles. I'm not sure if that is a kind of taunting/accusation where I screwed everything up and this is what I could be having if I didn't or an imperative like that of a far superior boxer knocked you out and asks you to give up and don't come back and you are going to accept it as he walks away in dramatic style. This reminder is a slow and painful one to ride out and usually by the time it actually lingers out, another one comes in. It's enough for me to hit my head on the wall several times a day.
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Making new friends is a phenomenal task for me to do. Because often I have to break into already established groups and the amount of energy I need to expend is tremendous. Some groups are easier to break in than others of which I can say it has been easier with the current group. But there is another problem that I have to deal with which actually involves everyone and obviously more so for new people, letting them in my space. Because I am always afraid of what they might find. Heck, I don't even let some friends in.
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You know what is the worst thing about personal change? That by the time you act on the change, it's past the window of opportunity and whatever benefits that comes as a result of the said change becomes futile.
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Film. I need to watch more films. I also need to watch more films alone.
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I once mentioned to someone that there is a John Mayer song for every occasion. So far that hasn't been wrong yet. Born and Raised has encompassed even more and has certainly encompassed some of my things recently.
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I count myself as extremely fortunate to have met people who I would classify as seriously awesome people and call them as friends. I wonder from time to time what did I do to deserve this of which I can clearly answer with a big fat Nothing. And sometimes that worries me.
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It seems that no matter where I go and who I am with, there is always something to remind of my struggles. I'm not sure if that is a kind of taunting/accusation where I screwed everything up and this is what I could be having if I didn't or an imperative like that of a far superior boxer knocked you out and asks you to give up and don't come back and you are going to accept it as he walks away in dramatic style. This reminder is a slow and painful one to ride out and usually by the time it actually lingers out, another one comes in. It's enough for me to hit my head on the wall several times a day.
-
Making new friends is a phenomenal task for me to do. Because often I have to break into already established groups and the amount of energy I need to expend is tremendous. Some groups are easier to break in than others of which I can say it has been easier with the current group. But there is another problem that I have to deal with which actually involves everyone and obviously more so for new people, letting them in my space. Because I am always afraid of what they might find. Heck, I don't even let some friends in.
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You know what is the worst thing about personal change? That by the time you act on the change, it's past the window of opportunity and whatever benefits that comes as a result of the said change becomes futile.
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Film. I need to watch more films. I also need to watch more films alone.
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I once mentioned to someone that there is a John Mayer song for every occasion. So far that hasn't been wrong yet. Born and Raised has encompassed even more and has certainly encompassed some of my things recently.
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#foreveralone
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
at
2:00 AM
Another round of conversations led to another common theme albeit a little on the depressing side. This one is hardly talked about because there are so few of us who actually experience it on a non-trivial scale, unlike how the interwebs portray it. Also I don't think people think that such things will ever happen to them, but if it does, it often becomes catastrophic.
Had dinner with some friends and like all conversations, one thing led to another until we arrive at the question, would you rather live a long life but mostly faced with solitude especially towards the end of your life or live a short life but have your better half/family/friends by your side all the way to the end? Like any kind of stop-you-in-your-tracks question, we have our initial beliefs and then list the pros and cons and see if our initial beliefs is the best compromise. Initially, I would have voted for long lonely life any time. In fact I even stated that if I had a say in how I would die, I would go alone. But now I am not so sure of that any more.
Exhibit A: the peer. Being the only child, this friend of mine accurately stated that once you get past a certain age, the time that you can spend with other friends become less and less. For one, you do not make friends as fast as you used to. Two, friends move around, change relationship statuses, increase family size and so on; priorities have been shifted on a tectonic scale. Three, work? And four, in the case of my friend, family will wither away just as time with your established friends wither away. And so effectively, living a short life is essentially "cutting your losses" or taking the deal from the bank in Deal Or No Deal. I've always been a fan of the cutting-your-losses technique and so it doesn't surprise me that this had me gravitating towards a shorter life.
Exhibit B: the never married aged man. After hearing stories of a man who has found himself down the lonely narrow path, showing all the signs of mild depression, I can't help but wonder that that is what I might look like when I am that age. With no family left (that I know of), close friends gone distant (both physically and relationally), there's very little that's left on offer. He was thinking about uprooting to a quieter place and my guess is to escape the environment where there's so many people but no one there. There was a brilliant film I watched, though the name escapes me now, that throughout the course of the film you can see how he slowly but methodically loses it, like a train wreck in slow motion. Very scary thought. I'm not saying that the man in question really is losing his mind, it just makes it more susceptible. Even that's scary.
After the conversation, I've been somewhat challenged by my choice. But of course the question that I brought up in the first place is a silly one to begin with. It's not like after I made a choice that my wish will be instantly granted. It's just a hypothetical question. But what should come out of this is how do we deal with loneliness especially to those who are suffering from the harsh reality of loneliness more than others. For some, it is a cross that they will have to bear for the rest of their lives and for others, will be a temporary thing to be exchanged for something else. Some will require more external sanity checks and it is important to figure out who actually needs them.
On a related note: Besides the benefit of current experiences and questions, I wish knew how to speak Hokkien then so that I can talk to the elderly in my family, particularly my dad's side. There were so many women who had lived well past 80 years, some outliving their husbands by more than 2 decades and most of their children have moved interstate or overseas etc. and I would like to ask them how did they do it. One of the many things I regret to this day.
Had dinner with some friends and like all conversations, one thing led to another until we arrive at the question, would you rather live a long life but mostly faced with solitude especially towards the end of your life or live a short life but have your better half/family/friends by your side all the way to the end? Like any kind of stop-you-in-your-tracks question, we have our initial beliefs and then list the pros and cons and see if our initial beliefs is the best compromise. Initially, I would have voted for long lonely life any time. In fact I even stated that if I had a say in how I would die, I would go alone. But now I am not so sure of that any more.
Exhibit A: the peer. Being the only child, this friend of mine accurately stated that once you get past a certain age, the time that you can spend with other friends become less and less. For one, you do not make friends as fast as you used to. Two, friends move around, change relationship statuses, increase family size and so on; priorities have been shifted on a tectonic scale. Three, work? And four, in the case of my friend, family will wither away just as time with your established friends wither away. And so effectively, living a short life is essentially "cutting your losses" or taking the deal from the bank in Deal Or No Deal. I've always been a fan of the cutting-your-losses technique and so it doesn't surprise me that this had me gravitating towards a shorter life.
Exhibit B: the never married aged man. After hearing stories of a man who has found himself down the lonely narrow path, showing all the signs of mild depression, I can't help but wonder that that is what I might look like when I am that age. With no family left (that I know of), close friends gone distant (both physically and relationally), there's very little that's left on offer. He was thinking about uprooting to a quieter place and my guess is to escape the environment where there's so many people but no one there. There was a brilliant film I watched, though the name escapes me now, that throughout the course of the film you can see how he slowly but methodically loses it, like a train wreck in slow motion. Very scary thought. I'm not saying that the man in question really is losing his mind, it just makes it more susceptible. Even that's scary.
After the conversation, I've been somewhat challenged by my choice. But of course the question that I brought up in the first place is a silly one to begin with. It's not like after I made a choice that my wish will be instantly granted. It's just a hypothetical question. But what should come out of this is how do we deal with loneliness especially to those who are suffering from the harsh reality of loneliness more than others. For some, it is a cross that they will have to bear for the rest of their lives and for others, will be a temporary thing to be exchanged for something else. Some will require more external sanity checks and it is important to figure out who actually needs them.
On a related note: Besides the benefit of current experiences and questions, I wish knew how to speak Hokkien then so that I can talk to the elderly in my family, particularly my dad's side. There were so many women who had lived well past 80 years, some outliving their husbands by more than 2 decades and most of their children have moved interstate or overseas etc. and I would like to ask them how did they do it. One of the many things I regret to this day.
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Splotches
Friday, August 24, 2012
at
2:00 AM
A string of conversations with people (some with copious amounts of cocktails) has given me more insight about the struggles of living a Christian life. Many are in a position that I have been in for years and still looking for answers. Many of my concerns also brought out in the open, showing me that I'm not the crazy one. But more importantly, I've learned to ask the right questions to others, which in turn are questions directed at myself as well. I think it is about time that we actually learn to set aside time to talk about how's the spiritual life going. I think that many of my concerns, whether it is my own or towards others, come from the fact that we/I don't exercise the "support" in being a supportive Christian group. I also think that sometimes we like to think of the illusion that we are supporting but really it's just to cover what is above the surface. I know this is a problem of mine (among many), which I can say I've been quite convicted of, and based on my conversations with others, it is also a problem of theirs. I also know that the solution cannot come 100% from my own will to make things better because history has a track record of this not happening. It's fine balance to find but even just the act of trying to find that balance without swinging to resort to our/my own willpower is half the battle won.
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Portal 2 co-op mode is like a huge trust exercise with some bits of confusion and hilarity thrown in for good measure. Highly recommend playing it (with a friend of course).
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It's very much worth watching the actual video. It is awesome.
My favourite song in the album.
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You know what? It's still hard. Very hard to do.
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Portal 2 co-op mode is like a huge trust exercise with some bits of confusion and hilarity thrown in for good measure. Highly recommend playing it (with a friend of course).
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It's very much worth watching the actual video. It is awesome.
My favourite song in the album.
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You know what? It's still hard. Very hard to do.
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