I am not awesome. Really.

The Final Frontier

Monday, July 30, 2012 at 12:00 AM | Posted by Juwen

Lately, I have been listening to a lot of speeches and interviews from a scientist who has been gaining a lot of my respect, Neil deGrasse Tyson. You may recognise him as the guy in the Badass Meme. He speaks a lot about how I felt about science when I was a kid growing up and how the space program inspires many to be scientists, engineers and mathematicians and why the NASA space program is so influential in this area. He also sometimes speak about the education of children to develop the skills necessary to be interested in science, which of course goes right up my alley of promoting STEM education.

When I was about 9, I got an encyclopedia for my birthday present and that had a pretty big science slant to it. It also has the characters from the comic strip Peanuts on it which was the first comic strip I will read when the newspaper arrived on the table. That to me was my first exposure to the wonder of space, and ultimately, science. The solar system, stars, galaxies, nebulas, black holes. The list goes on. Read about missions to the moon more times than I can count, the space shuttle missions, including the first American female astronaut who recently passed away, Sally Ride. I remember I had great respect for her when I was that age because even back then, not many girls I know were interested in math or science. That time I changed my mind about what I want to be when I grow up from doctor to scientist (more specifically, an astronomer). So hearing the words from Dr. Tyson on how space has a way of operating on our culture echoes a lot of my childhood years. At this moment, I realise how immensely fortunate that I had the resources as a child to gain an interest in science and still do to this day (though there were speed bumps along the way, including from the very people who gave me the resources to learn but that is another story altogether)

Besides being attributed as the Carl Sagan of our generation, he also grabs my attention on other things that are somewhat weakly related to science. While he pretty much discredits God, he does some very important things to say to both the ignorant religious people and the "holier-than-thou" atheists. I have to admit that sometimes we as Christians say some pretty stupid things when science gets into the mix. Or even worse that we credit science as the devil's work (though this is largely from an American demographic, from my observations. I don't think I have come across any Asians who say this sort of things about science). And I'm not even referring to the idea of evolution versus so-called intelligent design, which can get pretty dicey. There are just too many short comments from him that we can learn, especially when we try to have an open discussion between our beliefs and science, that I highly recommend watching some of these speeches/interviews. They easily go for an hour each but I'd say it will broaden your mind on the issue. At the very least when it comes to constructing sound arguments and not try to answer everything with the God of the gaps theory.

I wished I had heard this before I started my PhD. I would have been more focused in trying to finish it. Eventually.

A must watched video on short gripes he has about weak arguments, whether from religious people (read: Christians) or skeptics.

A dialogue between Dr. Tyson and Richard Dawkins. It's more interesting that you think it is.

A highly entertaining interview between Stephen Colbert and Dr. Tyson

I apologize if some of the things he say overlap in all the videos.

The badass in Neil deGrasse Tyson is justified.

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I've witnessed to an interrogation that I've drawn a lot of parallels with my own experience though arguably less severe. Even after all these years, I'm still learning things about it. Perhaps I have not fully learned everything that I need to know from that period of time. It might be one of those RPG-esque situations where I need to grind before I level up to move on. And no, I don't have enough XP. Yet.

On the flip side, I'm learning a new skill as a result of some of these side quests, learn whether someone is not telling the whole story and the discernment to spill the beans. This might prove to be very useful.

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8 Year Old Cards

Saturday, July 21, 2012 at 10:00 PM | Posted by Juwen

I was clearing out my room when I decided to look through all the cards that I have accumulated since I came to Melbourne from the box that used to house my iron. Still remember most of the people who gave me those cards though most of them too have grown distant from me either because they have moved back to their home country and/or gotten married and have their own family.

Three observations from these cards:

I have received more cards from one person than any other in the box. I think of the many times that I have distanced myself from this person in light of the thoughtful things that were embedded in these cards makes me feel bad. Perhaps I should do something about it. Who knows, perhaps it might also point me to the right direction when it comes to other people in general.

Even though majority of these cards essentially say the same thing, there were a small handful that steps out of the normal. One had this to say:

As you continue to find your feet in this world, I hope you won't forget the inherent benefits of being a jack of all trades: versatility. Sometimes it's an advantage, and paired with your diversity of knowledge, I'm sure something good will result. Take a compliment and bask in its warmth once in a while, hey?

This always makes me feel a little better because as some of you may know, I am extremely harsh on myself, and still am even now. This is the only card I have received from this person but it's pretty high up my treasured list. There are very few friends who see the uglier sides of me but say things that, firstly aren't mere sugar coating or sweeping under the carpet type statements and secondly with honest and truly encouraging. Person in observation 1 is also another such person.

Some of my bad habits are also shown without people thinking that it's a bad thing. Another card had this to say:
Really really grateful for all your help. And for your inability to say "NO" =)

That was probably my biggest weakness next to being incredibly self-critical. I have, since then, learned to say No more often though sometimes with much pain. I'm sure when I read this when I received the card I didn't care too much about it. I can't say the same, reading it again now.

Bonus: the key cards mostly came from what I would label as my most glorious year, the year I killed myself in honours.

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Psalm 19:14

Wednesday, July 11, 2012 at 2:30 AM | Posted by Juwen

O God, keep my tongue from evil and my lips from deceit
Help me to be silent in the face of derision, humble in the presence of all.

Open my heart
Open my heart
Open my heart to Your Torah

May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart
Be acceptable to You, O God, my Rock and my Redeemer

This is just part of a Hebrew prayer. The full translation of the prayer goes like this:

O God, keep my tongue from evil and my lips from deceit
Help me to be silent in the face of derision, humble in the presence of all
Open my heart to Your Torah, that I may hasten to do Your mitzvot
Save me with Your power, in time of trouble be my answer
That those who love You may rejoice
May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart
Be acceptable to You, O God, my Rock and my Redeemer
May the Maker of peace in the high places make peace
Descend upon us and upon all Israel, and let us say: Amen.

How often do we pray like this? We read prayers like this all over Psalms and yet we don't really know how prayers like this were prayed. This song just might give a glimpse as to the attitude of a Jew who constantly look to God, asking God to keep him holy and to be receptive to God's word. Briefly looking through other Hebrew prayers and you can find lots of things to learn about prayer in general, how to pray and the inward attitude towards prayer. There's lots of things that we can learn from the Israelites and I suspect one of them is prayer.

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The Last One, I Promise

Saturday, July 7, 2012 at 12:00 AM | Posted by Juwen

It was perhaps no coincidence that my role and circumstance in this year's July Camp was exactly the same as back in 2009. Doing the things I love in the hopes of distracting me from something else. And in both cases, the outcome was also exactly the same, limited success. Again, I am now left to searching for something, someone or some group to confide in. As usual, I may find it but as history has shown me, it is most likely a temporary solution. There are many descriptions I can give to describe my current state and how I feel but let's not go there.

There are other limited successes that I've come to enjoy in camp and that would be my very slight contribution to one of the Bible studies when I had some free time. I hope the result of this contribution will lead into something that the next generation of Bible study leaders to bear in mind. Because I think we've never really tried stepping into the lives of the members when we are doing Bible study. General widespread answers yet unwilling to share our struggles with one another which I think creates a deeper impact. Whatever happened to edifying God's people? I certainly hope that we do this more often, I didn't understand this when I was Bible study leading last time and so I hope that others will learn it while they still can. It's not a book club meeting, it's a support group meeting.

While I continue to search, it may very well be the case that what I am called to do is like that of a friend I recently got to know. He has uprooted himself many times for short periods of time to go to different parts of the world making some kind of an impression during that short time and repeat. Whatever the answer is, may I see it with such clarity in the days, months or years to come and not to feel insecure every once in awhile. Everyone has a choice of at least two lifestyles (and I'm not talking about the good vs bad, holy vs unrepentant), this would be one of them. I'll leave it as an exercise to figure out the other lifestyle. It is either one or the other.

Thus, I am making a decision to give myself one more chance before I close the door myself. I might as well try and save my energy for something else. Because it is becoming absolutely tiring to be in this state, waiting. Absolutely. Tiring. After this, no more*.

It is well.

*Unless the Almighty intervenes. God's sovereignty always comes first.

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Wishing, Wanting, Waiting

Thursday, June 21, 2012 at 3:30 AM | Posted by Juwen

The cartoon geek in me just squealed like a little schoolgirl.

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There's a difference between wishing and wanting and I realise I do more of the former. A lot more. Even some of my wantings are in actual fact wishes. Wishing is when you want something but are reluctant to put in the work but still get it, either instantaneously or some time in the future. Wanting however has a certain drive that pushes you to obtaining it and you know that sometimes it is not going to come cheap.

I look at things and people pass by and I say to myself "I want to have that" but I think what I really meant by saying that was "I wish I had that". And then I just leave while that want decay into a wish which decay into nothingness in a span of half an hour at best. That might explain why I have so little things (besides the fact that I have lived in tiny rooms for most of my life here in Melbourne). Because my wants barely survive the next hour for me to act on it. I also do not have a reminder system set up to remind me of these wants which means I forget until the next instance comes along and the cycle continues.

This also explain why I am so bad at making decisions. By implication, to decide on something, you need to want it, not wish for it. Since I have hardly exercise my right to obtain a want, I will respond with something that reflects a person with little to no wants, "Anything/Dunno". Most of the time it is either something or nothing. There is no anything. By choosing Anything/Dunno, I gain nothing. I reckon that this single word, whether uttered in public or within the confines of my conscience, is the main cause for most of my griefs. I was talking to my mum about my parent's recent trip to Eastern Europe and she mentioned that we might do a family trip at the end of the year and she asked me where would I like to go. My head says things like Japan but what came out of my mouth is quite typical of me. Yup you guessed it, "dunno".

I think this stemmed from the view I used to subscribe when I was young, to want something is bad. Want, to me, was associated with materialism/greed/covetousness. And for so much of my life, I've devoted myself to living the pseudo-minimal life and perhaps a dash of kiasuness thrown in just for good measure. Something like a city kid but living the life of a monk which is kinda oxymoronic. It was great because I learned to not care but comes at a cost of regret. A cost that I feel a bit of a pinch at this point in time.

Someone needs to teach me to express my wants and not for me to suppress my wishes. Otherwise it might be the death of me. Death by boredom, mundanity and/or loneliness.

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Sovereign, Sufficient, Personal

Monday, June 4, 2012 at 2:30 AM | Posted by Juwen

There are two things that have been constantly reminding me over the past few weeks

God is sovereign
His grace is sufficient

May it continue to remind me not just now.

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Melancholy is a great space to explore occasionally. You should give it a try some time. I've never really understood how melancholy can be beneficial as stated in a friend's post I've read ages ago (Can't find the link. Argh!). After having experienced enough melancholic trips, I finally begin to understand why melancholy shouldn't be viewed as a bad thing. There is a line to not cross, you need have restraint and control to not go there. Disclaimer: the state of melancholy is not the same state as depression. It does however have some overlap with emotional downs.

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I think sometimes we forget that God is a personal God. We have this head knowledge of a personal God but we sometimes just leave it at that, just a mental exercise. Two sermons from today reminded and challenged me to not leave it at that.

One was from Habakkuk. A man who complained to God about the lack of justice in his surroundings and God's solution to that problem. God answered him both times and he continued to praise God despite the fact that a godless nation is about to hit Judah hard. A bit like Job with a slightly different problem. When reading Habakkuk it seems like God answered him in an instant but it is an unspecified period of time between Habakkuk's complaints and God's answers. I once heard at another sermon that God answers prayers at a time when we are ready to listen after we have poured out our problems and not before. It can be immediate or a very long time. This sounds like a very personal God to me. Think about the many times you have expressed your frustrations, anger etc. to people. The good and wise person will be silent, wait it out before speaking. Because, they are listening to what you say and what you mean (sometimes the two are not the same) and then speak based on that with wisdom and time it right. If we subscribe to the idea that God is a good and personal God, then we have to give up the idea of immediate answers from God in exchange with wise, timely and correct answers that you may have to wait for it. Because you may not be in the right frame of mind when answers come immediately. That can spell all sorts of trouble for the one receiving it.

The other was from John where Jesus turned the water into wine. Commentators suggest that the reason why Jesus was invited to the wedding was that it was customary for significant political/religious leaders to be invited to the wedding. A bit hard to call him a significant leader after spending 40 days in the wilderness after he was baptised and three days later upon returning from the wilderness has a grand total of 5 followers. An alternative that was suggested that he was invited because people actually liked him (or in the pastor's words: a cool dude that people want him be at their party) and not just a religious leader (yet). I find this interesting because I think we forget that Jesus was human just like any one of us and I'm sure he gets invites to any event, just like we do. If we understand that Jesus understands our struggles, we should also understand that Jesus would have everyday normal human experiences, like being invited to parties. Note that this is not a suggestion to call Jesus "the cool dude" or "my bro" or "BFF" in the most irreverent way but a reminder that Jesus is not some sterile person during his lifetime and ministry. I'm sure he did share a laugh with people at some point in time. Once we understand this, coming to God personally with our burdens (and joys) becomes easier because Jesus has gone through human experiences. All of them. And yet without sin. Think about it. He can share a joke and not sin. We find it hard at times to do that with some of the crude jokes floating around in everyday life that we laugh at. We don't take this seriously but when it comes to our hardships, suddenly we can say Jesus understands my struggles. God is not just about the struggles but also the good times as well and vice versa.

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