The cartoon geek in me just squealed like a little schoolgirl.
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There's a difference between wishing and wanting and I realise I do more of the former. A lot more. Even some of my wantings are in actual fact wishes. Wishing is when you want something but are reluctant to put in the work but still get it, either instantaneously or some time in the future. Wanting however has a certain drive that pushes you to obtaining it and you know that sometimes it is not going to come cheap.
I look at things and people pass by and I say to myself "I want to have that" but I think what I really meant by saying that was "I wish I had that". And then I just leave while that want decay into a wish which decay into nothingness in a span of half an hour at best. That might explain why I have so little things (besides the fact that I have lived in tiny rooms for most of my life here in Melbourne). Because my wants barely survive the next hour for me to act on it. I also do not have a reminder system set up to remind me of these wants which means I forget until the next instance comes along and the cycle continues.
This also explain why I am so bad at making decisions. By implication, to decide on something, you need to want it, not wish for it. Since I have hardly exercise my right to obtain a want, I will respond with something that reflects a person with little to no wants, "Anything/Dunno". Most of the time it is either something or nothing. There is no anything. By choosing Anything/Dunno, I gain nothing. I reckon that this single word, whether uttered in public or within the confines of my conscience, is the main cause for most of my griefs. I was talking to my mum about my parent's recent trip to Eastern Europe and she mentioned that we might do a family trip at the end of the year and she asked me where would I like to go. My head says things like Japan but what came out of my mouth is quite typical of me. Yup you guessed it, "dunno".
I think this stemmed from the view I used to subscribe when I was young, to want something is bad. Want, to me, was associated with materialism/greed/covetousness. And for so much of my life, I've devoted myself to living the pseudo-minimal life and perhaps a dash of kiasuness thrown in just for good measure. Something like a city kid but living the life of a monk which is kinda oxymoronic. It was great because I learned to not care but comes at a cost of regret. A cost that I feel a bit of a pinch at this point in time.
Someone needs to teach me to express my wants and not for me to suppress my wishes. Otherwise it might be the death of me. Death by boredom, mundanity and/or loneliness.
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"As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, my God." ~Psalm 42:1
i'm sure you know this already and maybe you don't need to be reminded, but just in case i'll say it anyway.
there is nothing wrong with wanting stuff (which seems to be the extreme you realise you've gone to here), but our wants must be correctly ordered. which means that we must want Him more than any other thing, and the other wants will fall into place naturally.
another relevant quote from the psalms that comes to mind is:-
"Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart." ~ Psalm 37:4
with that in mind, all the best in the quest to really want instead of just wish!=)
Thanks for the reminder. It's good to hear these things again once in awhile. Perhaps I lack desire. Or maybe the things I want (however little it is) is not the things that God thinks is the best for me. Either way, it's a wrestle.
I like to think of it as 3/8th-life crisis (assuming that the average lifespan is around 75 years). It's probably just a phase and I'll enjoy another 1/8th of my life before I hit the dreaded mid-life crisis =P