I am not awesome. Really.

The cartoon geek in me just squealed like a little schoolgirl.


----------------------------------------
There's a difference between wishing and wanting and I realise I do more of the former. A lot more. Even some of my wantings are in actual fact wishes. Wishing is when you want something but are reluctant to put in the work but still get it, either instantaneously or some time in the future. Wanting however has a certain drive that pushes you to obtaining it and you know that sometimes it is not going to come cheap.

I look at things and people pass by and I say to myself "I want to have that" but I think what I really meant by saying that was "I wish I had that". And then I just leave while that want decay into a wish which decay into nothingness in a span of half an hour at best. That might explain why I have so little things (besides the fact that I have lived in tiny rooms for most of my life here in Melbourne). Because my wants barely survive the next hour for me to act on it. I also do not have a reminder system set up to remind me of these wants which means I forget until the next instance comes along and the cycle continues.

This also explain why I am so bad at making decisions. By implication, to decide on something, you need to want it, not wish for it. Since I have hardly exercise my right to obtain a want, I will respond with something that reflects a person with little to no wants, "Anything/Dunno". Most of the time it is either something or nothing. There is no anything. By choosing Anything/Dunno, I gain nothing. I reckon that this single word, whether uttered in public or within the confines of my conscience, is the main cause for most of my griefs. I was talking to my mum about my parent's recent trip to Eastern Europe and she mentioned that we might do a family trip at the end of the year and she asked me where would I like to go. My head says things like Japan but what came out of my mouth is quite typical of me. Yup you guessed it, "dunno".


I think this stemmed from the view I used to subscribe when I was young, to want something is bad. Want, to me, was associated with materialism/greed/covetousness. And for so much of my life, I've devoted myself to living the pseudo-minimal life and perhaps a dash of kiasuness thrown in just for good measure. Something like a city kid but living the life of a monk which is kinda oxymoronic. It was great because I learned to not care but comes at a cost of regret. A cost that I feel a bit of a pinch at this point in time.

Someone needs to teach me to express my wants and not for me to suppress my wishes. Otherwise it might be the death of me. Death by boredom, mundanity and/or loneliness.

There are two things that have been constantly reminding me over the past few weeks

1. God is sovereign
2. His grace is sufficient

Sayangku jangan kau persoalkan siapa di hatiku,
Terukir di bintang tak mungkin hilang cintaku padamu 

Malay can be such a poetic language. A bit late for me to realise this but at least I got there.

After having drinks with the colleagues, I've met someone who shares the same interest in all things funk, 70s disco, jazz and motown. And not only that but he gave me a whole list of Melbourne funk inspired bands and albums to give me earworms for the rest of the month. Thank goodness! I told him that I am a bit of an obscure person. An Asian dude who loves (at the risk of sounding racist) black music. He laughed it off as well. Loooove funk.





------------------------------------
I'm starting to see it happen a little more often in the 2pm service in church. That there's a little more emotion injected into our singing. Finally! I get excited when the song list appears on my email on the weeks that I am playing either bass or drums and attached to it are Youtube vids which are either a different/contemporary arrangement of very familiar songs to us or "new" songs that speaks truth in volumes in both music AND lyrics. More often than not, I actually think about the songs more than I normally do if it brings certain level of emotion through the music.

We have a tendency to have a lot of songs to be of a reflective kind and musically as well. But there is a difference between being reflective and being solemn, and I think it is more of the latter that we do a lot. Don't get me wrong, there is certainly a place for being solemn in our songs. But if we want to be truly reflective in our songs, we must also not be afraid of showing emotions. For example in the Psalms, a large portion of the Psalms are not happy happy in fact it's often the contrary. Yet David pours it all out to God trusting that he is sovereign and will prevail. He reflects on the character of God in the midst of all the struggle and pours it all to God, trusting that he will do what is right. From the Word in Song conference that I went to not too long ago, the song leader mention people come into church and they may have had a great week while others may have quite the opposite. Yet when all of them sing the same song, pouring out their emotions through their singing, you get to see a bigger picture of what worshipping this mighty God looks like. Sometimes I'll hear song leaders or even pastors say to the congregation to leave all your worries and cares outside the church and just come to God. God is not some North Korean dictator who executes you if you are not feeling happy in his presence. He is very much interested in the struggles that we have and bring it to him, like David. So I cringe whenever someone says that, even more so if I'm part of the music team. I'm glad though that it doesn't happen much.

I was particularly encourage by my housemate's song leading and also his choice of songs today. It was very reflective, emotional but not without substance. Not only did he gave the music team something to listen to over the week to familiarise ourselves with the songs, but I often find myself singing it from time to time because I had been thinking about the words, feeling it, and just worship. I hope that we continue to move in that direction for our Sunday services. Because if it is anything like how I experienced it, the words don't just remain inside the walls of the church or on a Sunday but echo through out the week and we don't treat God like a once a week catch-up brunch session.

I'm slowly becoming fine with my current situation after having lots of time alone, contemplating and slowly getting rid of the excess baggage. I speak fewer words, looking elsewhere, not looking anywhere. All to drive me back towards my emotional baseline. Just need a little longer.


Lately I've read several good articles that seem to revolve around what I feel right now about life, love, relationships with others and having children (I kid you not. Heh, kid.). It is as though a flare was shot through the sky indicating that perhaps my thoughts are not unique. That non-uniqueness is very much appreciated. 


I have spoken a couple of times on the first three things before intermittently before but never really on the last one. I may not look like the kind of person to want children but to the few friends who know me might tell you otherwise. Even fewer will tell you the exact configuration of children I would like to have if I can have it my way. I remember having one conversation among a very small group of friends a long time ago asking questions regarding having children. Although we were all still young and very single then we still searched ourselves to the best of our ability to say whether we might be a good parent. Which on hindsight, I realise, is actually a rather pointless question. Even most parents cannot answer that with full certainty. I remember giving my answer as I would probably not be a good one, despite replies from my friends saying otherwise. Fast forward to today and I would still give the same answer as I did so many years ago. But I'd still do it.


Most of advertising work by trying to sell you something most often a useful product. But selling you a lifestyle probably makes it even more effective because people can imagine themselves taking on that lifestyle and will feel good about it. It's kinda like that with me on parenthood. Seeing my friends with their children, the joy (and the struggles) it brings, the new relationship created between parent and child and all that jazz portrays a lifestyle that I can imagine myself in. Whether or not it becomes a reality is a separate issue. There are times where I will hear of some people who can think of no worse thing than having children and I will be completely baffled by it. But that would just be a difference in lifestyles and everyone is entitled to have their own.


Perhaps I feel cluckish now because I'm seeing lots of friends who are expecting and some I am expecting that they will be expecting soon. Because I wonder how does that feel be in that position. Overly joyous yet scared, in a good way. It may very well be that I will never know. So all I can do is imagine. And for now I'm fine with that.

Today has been a day wrought with thoughts. So many things to think about, so little answers. So many big issues, so little solutions. Went to the Word in Song conference on learning and dealing with some of the issues in the music ministry and it has been highly insightful. Though I really wished I could go for all of the workshops but my head would have exploded so kinda grateful for that. One thing at a time, plz? Even on learning on church band dynamics, it contains a whole lot of stuff to make the music ministry that much more effective. The hard part is that it is based on certain assumptions made which our church does not do and so it is very hard to leverage off these great suggestions without these assumptions. How do we steer the current music ministry in the right direction is a very big hard question and I (or rather we) have some solutions, whether or not people take the solutions seriously is a completely different matter. This is where I should have gone for the other workshop on how to choose an appropriate music culture and how to change. That would give hints to tackling this problem, though it might mean it would pose even more questions back at us. Next year, next year.

It has been a good week relaxing, vegatating, doing nothing, staying at home over the public holidays after the completion of the intense 7 week project and it is also good to know that the approval process was pretty swift. Now the project is going to be launched on Monday. It is the first project that I have sat in from start to finish so I guess that is a big achievement. Now to a new project.