I'm slowly becoming fine with my current situation after having lots of time alone, contemplating and slowly getting rid of the excess baggage. I speak fewer words, looking elsewhere, not looking anywhere. All to drive me back towards my emotional baseline. Just need a little longer.
Lately I've read several good articles that seem to revolve around what I feel right now about life, love, relationships with others and having children (I kid you not. Heh, kid.). It is as though a flare was shot through the sky indicating that perhaps my thoughts are not unique. That non-uniqueness is very much appreciated.
I have spoken a couple of times on the first three things before intermittently before but never really on the last one. I may not look like the kind of person to want children but to the few friends who know me might tell you otherwise. Even fewer will tell you the exact configuration of children I would like to have if I can have it my way. I remember having one conversation among a very small group of friends a long time ago asking questions regarding having children. Although we were all still young and very single then we still searched ourselves to the best of our ability to say whether we might be a good parent. Which on hindsight, I realise, is actually a rather pointless question. Even most parents cannot answer that with full certainty. I remember giving my answer as I would probably not be a good one, despite replies from my friends saying otherwise. Fast forward to today and I would still give the same answer as I did so many years ago. But I'd still do it.
Most of advertising work by trying to sell you something most often a useful product. But selling you a lifestyle probably makes it even more effective because people can imagine themselves taking on that lifestyle and will feel good about it. It's kinda like that with me on parenthood. Seeing my friends with their children, the joy (and the struggles) it brings, the new relationship created between parent and child and all that jazz portrays a lifestyle that I can imagine myself in. Whether or not it becomes a reality is a separate issue. There are times where I will hear of some people who can think of no worse thing than having children and I will be completely baffled by it. But that would just be a difference in lifestyles and everyone is entitled to have their own.
Perhaps I feel cluckish now because I'm seeing lots of friends who are expecting and some I am expecting that they will be expecting soon. Because I wonder how does that feel be in that position. Overly joyous yet scared, in a good way. It may very well be that I will never know. So all I can do is imagine. And for now I'm fine with that.
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