It was supposed to be a simple trip to a friend's place, to grab the dining table that my said friend was giving it away due to relocation. Grab table, say thank you and drive home with the goods. But in the end, it ended up being a three day ordeal in trying to help my friend get rid of stuff in preparation to moving out of the country. Needless to say, that this took a hit on my sleeping patterns again.
The root cause of all of this basically boiled down to issues with (pseudo)-relationships and bad planning. But mainly the former. As I got to know more of the context that I was in, in trying to help my friend pack and get rid of stuff, the clearer it became to me that this "relationship" is going to be a rather toxic one if my friend decided to go ahead with it despite our numerous serious concerns about it. We got even more frustrated as we are stressing about the number of things that we have to do for our friend before flying back to the home country for the last time and I'm sure that internally we were all going to break down crying.
While talking it over dinner, some friends of mine aptly shut down any sort of venting lest it turns into something bitter. One in particular said, "We were all in that position before. Weren't we all stupid at one stage or another in a (potential) relationship?". And that made me think, not about the situation that spanned basically the entire week, but the people around me and relationships, both good and bad. Come to think of it, the ones who were at the dinner table all have stories of stupidity in relationships that resulted in train wrecks including yours truly. All of us, have been jaded at some stage to the advice of our friends and sometimes even to our own conscience. We've all gone through train wrecks and somehow we still survived. Because the longing of the affections from another is so strong that it blinds us.
There are people who have gone through their entire lives not knowing what is it like to be part of a train wreck, only acknowledging that relationships are hard but have no real sense of what a fallout might look like. And to that, I say that it is probably good that you have been spared from such things. Then there are the people who have sat in a train wreck, watch everything collide in slow motion, get a whiplash, tumble around and getting injured. Whether you live or you die depends on what happens next. The ones who crawl out, injured and all, understanding what went wrong are the ones who come out wiser. The people at the dining table are part of that group. There is a certain club you join when you know that you have burned yourself and knowing not to do that again. The ones who don't, live to make the same mistakes and with increasing callousness. These are the people who will eventually cause the train wrecks.
Of late, the new friends that I have gotten to know of, all fall in the second group. And you know, that gave me enormous comfort. We have seen the scars and now we have all come out with elevated levels of EQ. This to me, is reality. None of that love at first sight or even first love stuff, though that sometimes happen. Love is a battlefield. I thank God for friends who are more of the S and F side of Myer-Briggs, like the guys at the table, at times like this. Helps bring a lot of order and rationale to something as complicated as relationships. We tend to say things like "I deserve better than this", like the affection of another needs to be held up against some moral standard whether it is your own or an unspoken set of rules, when in reality we are no better if you boil it down. The faster you realise this, with the help of others who have gone through train wrecks, sometimes multiple ones, the better you'd be if/when someone else walks in and suddenly disrupts your life for the better.
Everyone should know the ugliness of relationships gone sour and not shy away from it but to confront it and overcome it with a love that comes with such purity that it cannot come from our own standards. I wish more people are like that.
***
People are getting married and having babies left, right and centre according to the Book of Face. And way too many pictures of that. Time to counter that with pictures of corgis of my own. Now where can I get one?
Superposition
Sunday, September 7, 2014
at
9:08 PM
Ever since I have been to City On A Hill's Vision Night last month, I have been considering on whether I should concentrate my areas of service to COAH or not. There are a lot of things that are in the pipeline that I am really excited about and it makes me re-evaluate my time spent serving at church. I have been thinking and praying about it for quite a while now and it is not an easy decision on it.
There are a few reasons that it is a difficult thing to decide on but one of the main things is that I would not be involved in music anymore. That is a pretty big thing even though that I am not that good at the music thing. I think it is partly to do with the fact that I am a bassist (Oh, we need a bassist. You look like you can play bass). I love music especially when you get to do really good things for music in church. But in order that I might concentrate my efforts to just COAH means that I will have to give up the whole idea that I can be serving in music. And you know, after months of ruminating about it, I find that it is not a big deal for me to give that up. I'm slowly letting go of what I want to do in church and instead to ask the question what can I do in church. I think being around the people in church has made that leap a bit easier to make. Bass playing shall now be shifted to being a hobby, I'm not much of a performer anyway no matter how much I try.
Another part is that I will be moving away from the very people that I used to hang out and serve when I first came to Melbourne as a student 10 years ago. Even though that most of them wouldn't really think of me now when it comes to events or what nots, I still remember what they were/are to me. It is also the church where I have a proper grounding in the Bible which I am eternally grateful for. 10 years of good Bible teaching, 10 years of serving and 10 years of bad pastor's jokes, it's a lot to move away from and lots have changed. I am really apprehensive about not being apart of all of that. But I think it is time that I begin to make that move. I haven't quite decided yet on when I should make the move but it is in the horizon. I'm sure people will barely notice that I will be gone anyway which would be a lot easier on me.
I kinda wish that I can be at two places at once, but I am not a quantum mechanical being. And so I must choose.
***
Speaking of quantum mechanics, I think I am at the stage where I have met enough people that any other new person that I meet will remind me of people in the past. It is a very strange place to be in, just like the world of quantum mechanics.
Take my new housemate for example. She reminds me of different people depending on what she is doing. The resemblance is uncanny at times. I think the last time I counted she reminds me of at least 5 different people. There is probably more but I haven't observed them yet.
And recently, we have a new comer in our small group who also reminds me of another person that I know. Again the resemblance is uncanny.
I think I am just weird. Weirder than normal. Everyone is weird.
***
Speaking of being weird. This.
Swoon. So good.
***
Speaking of good. This.
She's so cute and massively talented. You should check out the rest of her stuff on her Youtube channel.
There are a few reasons that it is a difficult thing to decide on but one of the main things is that I would not be involved in music anymore. That is a pretty big thing even though that I am not that good at the music thing. I think it is partly to do with the fact that I am a bassist (Oh, we need a bassist. You look like you can play bass). I love music especially when you get to do really good things for music in church. But in order that I might concentrate my efforts to just COAH means that I will have to give up the whole idea that I can be serving in music. And you know, after months of ruminating about it, I find that it is not a big deal for me to give that up. I'm slowly letting go of what I want to do in church and instead to ask the question what can I do in church. I think being around the people in church has made that leap a bit easier to make. Bass playing shall now be shifted to being a hobby, I'm not much of a performer anyway no matter how much I try.
Another part is that I will be moving away from the very people that I used to hang out and serve when I first came to Melbourne as a student 10 years ago. Even though that most of them wouldn't really think of me now when it comes to events or what nots, I still remember what they were/are to me. It is also the church where I have a proper grounding in the Bible which I am eternally grateful for. 10 years of good Bible teaching, 10 years of serving and 10 years of bad pastor's jokes, it's a lot to move away from and lots have changed. I am really apprehensive about not being apart of all of that. But I think it is time that I begin to make that move. I haven't quite decided yet on when I should make the move but it is in the horizon. I'm sure people will barely notice that I will be gone anyway which would be a lot easier on me.
I kinda wish that I can be at two places at once, but I am not a quantum mechanical being. And so I must choose.
***
Speaking of quantum mechanics, I think I am at the stage where I have met enough people that any other new person that I meet will remind me of people in the past. It is a very strange place to be in, just like the world of quantum mechanics.
Take my new housemate for example. She reminds me of different people depending on what she is doing. The resemblance is uncanny at times. I think the last time I counted she reminds me of at least 5 different people. There is probably more but I haven't observed them yet.
And recently, we have a new comer in our small group who also reminds me of another person that I know. Again the resemblance is uncanny.
I think I am just weird. Weirder than normal. Everyone is weird.
***
Speaking of being weird. This.
Swoon. So good.
***
Speaking of good. This.
She's so cute and massively talented. You should check out the rest of her stuff on her Youtube channel.
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Can't Place a Finger On It
Sunday, August 31, 2014
at
1:21 AM
Today is the last day that the housemate is going to be around and will soon be joined by a stranger, at least for now. I am also going to be the sole source of testosterone in the house which should make it interesting.
My housemate left me a note as a parting gift which had a much bigger impact on me than I thought it would have. These were the words that struck me the most
And in just that moment, there was a lot of things that just overcame me.
First thing was that it reminded me of what Matt Chandler was talking about at the Something Bigger event. That we seek for something to fill that satisfaction in us, that we seek out what will make me happy. And people go looking in all the wrong places for that satisfaction. Myself including. This really hit me hard as a reminder that I have been looking for something in other things even though I say that I am not.
The next thing that followed was that perhaps I should continue to remind myself that none of the things that I see or want will bring me happiness because they will ultimately disappoint me. And that it will lead to me further disappointing me which is again something that Matt Chandler has talked about. My career will not bring happiness. My relationships will not bring happiness. Going to church will not bring happiness. Only God can bring me happiness.
Yet another was the fact that I don't even want to know whether I will get what I need in the end. The age old saying of "be careful of what you wish for, for you may actually get it" has never rung a more sinister tone than now. I am looking for something but now I am not so sure that I want to be looking for that something. All the more that I really should be like Paul, to want Christ.
And finally, it seems to me that I only really know how I am doing when it's too late to talk about it further. The feedback that I get from people is too late and usually I'm left with the feeling of regret and somewhat angry that the fact.
The flood of thoughts came in and within half a second, a moment of weakness, I nearly shed a tear. I just felt so broken for the first time in a long time. Cries of "what on earth am I doing" came out from my soul.
And then, I had to shove it back in to help my housemate move.
***
PS: For reference, the song in Heavier Things. The lyrics are pretty telling.
My housemate left me a note as a parting gift which had a much bigger impact on me than I thought it would have. These were the words that struck me the most
You always seem to be looking for something, reminds me of track #3 in Heavier Things. I really hope you find/get what you need.
And in just that moment, there was a lot of things that just overcame me.
First thing was that it reminded me of what Matt Chandler was talking about at the Something Bigger event. That we seek for something to fill that satisfaction in us, that we seek out what will make me happy. And people go looking in all the wrong places for that satisfaction. Myself including. This really hit me hard as a reminder that I have been looking for something in other things even though I say that I am not.
The next thing that followed was that perhaps I should continue to remind myself that none of the things that I see or want will bring me happiness because they will ultimately disappoint me. And that it will lead to me further disappointing me which is again something that Matt Chandler has talked about. My career will not bring happiness. My relationships will not bring happiness. Going to church will not bring happiness. Only God can bring me happiness.
Yet another was the fact that I don't even want to know whether I will get what I need in the end. The age old saying of "be careful of what you wish for, for you may actually get it" has never rung a more sinister tone than now. I am looking for something but now I am not so sure that I want to be looking for that something. All the more that I really should be like Paul, to want Christ.
And finally, it seems to me that I only really know how I am doing when it's too late to talk about it further. The feedback that I get from people is too late and usually I'm left with the feeling of regret and somewhat angry that the fact.
The flood of thoughts came in and within half a second, a moment of weakness, I nearly shed a tear. I just felt so broken for the first time in a long time. Cries of "what on earth am I doing" came out from my soul.
And then, I had to shove it back in to help my housemate move.
***
PS: For reference, the song in Heavier Things. The lyrics are pretty telling.
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Genie-ous
Monday, August 18, 2014
at
12:22 AM
I've been watching lots of talk show programs where Robin Williams was on yesterday and it made me remember why this guy is such a legend. I'm sure there are many sites out there who can do a better job describing why is that so. Some people find him annoying and others are completely shocked when they listened to his stand up acts (they are completely and utterly vulgar, not what you'd expect to hear coming from the guy who voice the Genie from Aladdin).
Jimmy Fallon's tribute to Robin Williams was absolutely spot on when he describes him as a person who can switch between characters in just a split second and he can sell the character so well that it is almost second nature to him. His brain is on overdrive, a master of improvisation, sharp and knows how to get you to laugh.
This is even evident when you are not a fan of vulgarities in his stand up acts. He can say something that is completely inappropriate and vulgar that might cause you to gasp in shock but within the same breath will say or do something that will make you laugh and will forget about what he said for a split second. In other words, this guy is so fast at making you laugh, he short circuits your brain to make you laugh before you have the time to process what he said before, however inappropriate it is.
And of course, let's not forget his amazing performances when he did get serious. Good Will Hunting, Dead Poets Society, What Dreams May Come and many more. This guy is the actor's actor, the comedian's comedian. We will all miss his strange fast paced kind of humour.
I'll end with some of the illustrations just how funny and a riot he is.
Jimmy Fallon's tribute to Robin Williams was absolutely spot on when he describes him as a person who can switch between characters in just a split second and he can sell the character so well that it is almost second nature to him. His brain is on overdrive, a master of improvisation, sharp and knows how to get you to laugh.
This is even evident when you are not a fan of vulgarities in his stand up acts. He can say something that is completely inappropriate and vulgar that might cause you to gasp in shock but within the same breath will say or do something that will make you laugh and will forget about what he said for a split second. In other words, this guy is so fast at making you laugh, he short circuits your brain to make you laugh before you have the time to process what he said before, however inappropriate it is.
And of course, let's not forget his amazing performances when he did get serious. Good Will Hunting, Dead Poets Society, What Dreams May Come and many more. This guy is the actor's actor, the comedian's comedian. We will all miss his strange fast paced kind of humour.
I'll end with some of the illustrations just how funny and a riot he is.
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Knocking on Heaven's Doors
Thursday, August 14, 2014
at
11:10 PM
Because I fall sick so infrequently, my mind tends to wander a lot when I actually do fall sick. To give you a context on how infrequently I fall sick, the last time that I actually fell sick was back in 2008. Normally, being sick is usually get the cold and I tend to recover from that pretty quickly.
When I fall sick, the first thing that I usually think of is "Oh God. It's finally here. I have terminal cancer". Or something along those lines. Because there were no signs prior to actually getting sick, I'd always assumed that I am going to kick the bucket in like 6 months or so. And that's where my mind will continue to wander, trying to entertain the thought that I am going to leave this world in a very short time.
The usual things that I think about while in this "death bed" mode are usually my regrets. I'm sure that everyone will at some stage reach this point when you see Death approaching you from afar and heading your way. Right now the number one thing that I regret is not telling the people I love that I love them. I guess this is from growing up in a family where my father never really expresses himself to his children a lot until a crisis hits, usually by then it is too late. And I think from listening to a sermon recently on Ephesians 6 about parents, this kinda changed my thinking a lot. Being sick now makes me think that this change is too late for it to be meaningful, and that sucks.
I think the next thing that I will regret is not being able to break out of the face of rejection from people, especially from the people that have an interest in. I think years of self examination on how I have failed in a relationship (and horribly for that matter) makes me feel that I should be ready for one more try at it. Lady Antebellum puts it nicely in a song Ready To Love Again. But all this talk about being entitled to another chance is hogwash. I am not, no, never, entitled to another chance. I am given grace for another chance. But in the midst of being in "death bed" mode, one can't help but to think of it that way. Soon after, I'll slap myself saying that is all nonsense.
The other things that I usually end up thinking is how I am going to avoid breaking the news to friends that I have 6 months to live. I usually don't deal well with friends crying or just an overall sense of impending loss. And so because of that I have always wanted to go quietly. In fact, I've once asked people, if they had a say on how they were to go, how would they want to go. Mine was without a question, that I was going to go alone. Now I understand that some people think that it is pretty selfish of wanting to die alone, similar to those who have committed suicide (by the way, I am not suicidal). With the recent news of Robin Willliams suicide, that is now a pretty grey area and subject to much discussion. Anyway, I think the words to this song made me think that it might be a good thing or at least in theory, discarding all the things of this world all for the sake of getting Jesus. Paul even says so for himself in Philippians 1.
It seems so silly that just having a cold and I think a lot about death. But living the Christian life means that death is not the be all and end all, but there is God at the end of life. And so the words of the 1 Corinthians 15 and this song below puts it clearly that we should not fear death or shudder at the thought of death.
Panadol time!
When I fall sick, the first thing that I usually think of is "Oh God. It's finally here. I have terminal cancer". Or something along those lines. Because there were no signs prior to actually getting sick, I'd always assumed that I am going to kick the bucket in like 6 months or so. And that's where my mind will continue to wander, trying to entertain the thought that I am going to leave this world in a very short time.
The usual things that I think about while in this "death bed" mode are usually my regrets. I'm sure that everyone will at some stage reach this point when you see Death approaching you from afar and heading your way. Right now the number one thing that I regret is not telling the people I love that I love them. I guess this is from growing up in a family where my father never really expresses himself to his children a lot until a crisis hits, usually by then it is too late. And I think from listening to a sermon recently on Ephesians 6 about parents, this kinda changed my thinking a lot. Being sick now makes me think that this change is too late for it to be meaningful, and that sucks.
I think the next thing that I will regret is not being able to break out of the face of rejection from people, especially from the people that have an interest in. I think years of self examination on how I have failed in a relationship (and horribly for that matter) makes me feel that I should be ready for one more try at it. Lady Antebellum puts it nicely in a song Ready To Love Again. But all this talk about being entitled to another chance is hogwash. I am not, no, never, entitled to another chance. I am given grace for another chance. But in the midst of being in "death bed" mode, one can't help but to think of it that way. Soon after, I'll slap myself saying that is all nonsense.
The other things that I usually end up thinking is how I am going to avoid breaking the news to friends that I have 6 months to live. I usually don't deal well with friends crying or just an overall sense of impending loss. And so because of that I have always wanted to go quietly. In fact, I've once asked people, if they had a say on how they were to go, how would they want to go. Mine was without a question, that I was going to go alone. Now I understand that some people think that it is pretty selfish of wanting to die alone, similar to those who have committed suicide (by the way, I am not suicidal). With the recent news of Robin Willliams suicide, that is now a pretty grey area and subject to much discussion. Anyway, I think the words to this song made me think that it might be a good thing or at least in theory, discarding all the things of this world all for the sake of getting Jesus. Paul even says so for himself in Philippians 1.
When I've come to die (x3)
Give me Jesus
Give me Jesus (x2)
You can have all this world
But give me Jesus
It seems so silly that just having a cold and I think a lot about death. But living the Christian life means that death is not the be all and end all, but there is God at the end of life. And so the words of the 1 Corinthians 15 and this song below puts it clearly that we should not fear death or shudder at the thought of death.
O Death, where is your sting?
O Hell, where is your victory?
Panadol time!
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Brain Fart
Thursday, August 7, 2014
at
11:13 PM
I am having such a hard time to write now. So many things in my head and I don't know where to start. Perhaps I just need a person to confide in to pour out all the dumb things and feelings in my head to relieve the pressure, and maybe sleep well again. But I have trust issues. Phooey.
So there.
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Complimentary Decision
Sunday, August 3, 2014
at
3:36 PM
I've recently caught up with a friend that I haven't seen in yonks and he turns out to be working in the building next to the one that I am in. So that was convenient. It's one of those cold rainy afternoons where there is nowhere else to go but the daggy looking food court nearby just to have a chat. Good thing is that the both of us weren't that hungry for lunch so the daggy food court wasn't a big deal.
He seems to be doing great and I somehow manage to fish out some information about him that I suspected to be true. Pro tip: act like you don't know and you can much fish out anything if they were true and if you play your conversational cards right. Know this and you can also call that out on others as well trying to do the same thing to you.
Anyway, one thing led to another and the question came up was that how did he decide to stop going to the church that I am still somewhat involved and concentrated in the current church, which is also the church that I am calling my main base. Of course many kinds of analysis came out but the one that really stuck with me was that he had reached a point where he cannot identify with the community of that church and though he was initially involved with various ministries, he found that he was not committed most of the time. Probably partly due to the culture that we have grown so used to all these years. All the energy invested with little fruit finally gave way. He has also stated that he feels more a part of the current church community with lots of opportunity to serve but the important thing is that he is part of a community that dives into the deep difficult parts and not be afraid to talk or do the things that needs to be done. He says that when he finally decided, he didn't really look back.
I don't necessarily see that this is going to be me later but I can definitely identify with lots of things that he has mentioned. In fact, catching up with my friend and unknowingly end up talking about this matter comforted me in a lot of ways. For it is a question of huge importance as I consider what am I going to do with my time. Hugely important question. And it will start to manifest itself when the great housemate swap begins.
Please don't misunderstand me in saying that the church is "bad". Every church is broken in some way or the other, the sooner we realise this, the better. In fact I owe a huge deal to this church that I am considering to step down from all roles (and above all, to God for bringing me to this church in the first place). But there is a time and place to move on (or sometimes stay). Right now, I'm the Schroedinger cat of staying and moving on. Something needs to open the box.
***
There's this article on the Relevant magazine which kinda shook me up a little. It's an article about what is humility but focusing on the what is not humility practically. The first two points is obvious and anyone who has known me for more than 5 minutes can safely say that I don't do this (with 95% confidence).
The last two points however are the ones that sucker punched the inner man. I can never take a compliment and I redirect anything to do with my abilities somewhere (hopefully God). Now in light of this, it's actually think that it is quite insulting to God to not take a compliment. Seemingly reject the talents that God has given you under the pretence of humility is a big no and something that I have been doing since as long as I can remember. And I think this goes well with what C.S. Lewis says on the topic of humility:
True humility is not thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less.
Not taking a compliment, I'd say, is really the former. Taking a compliment is not the same as bragging, as obvious as that seem to sound. Of course, ultimately it still should wind up pointing to the one who gave you these talents. Taking a compliment should be an acknowledgement that God has given you something that can be used for the good of others. And of course not on self.
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