If there is anything that I have learned over the past few weeks is that my instincts are almost always right and my emotions are almost always wrong. I need to learn to trust my instincts more and not listen to my emotions more.
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The conversations I have had with friends recently further highlight the fact that I don't have people who tell it to me as it is. I really hope this will change because there are fewer and fewer things in life that bring me joy.
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I should do more bait-and-switch moves in my conversations with friends. People can have almost the opposite reaction when given just a little more information, which I find slightly hypocritical. Though it will give me great insight on how people think, it will have no other benefit than my own.
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Because I am real lazy, I haven't had any dinners since Monday. And because I like things that are complete, should I not have dinner until this week is over?
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The lonely death of George Bell.
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Forget-Me-Not
Thursday, October 15, 2015
at
11:59 PM
The first time I heard of the forget-me-not, I thought to myself "Isn't that a great thing to not forget about someone?". The 7 year old me then thought it was kinda awesome that to see plants that remember its original shape after being disturbed and won't get tired of testing the limits of that claim. Now years later, it is a double edged sword to not be able to forget someone.
On the one hand, the memories you carry of these people remind you of the many good things that came from this person, even if it all ends up down the drain. On the other hand, those same memories will cause friendships to never be the same again, never quite getting to where it once was. It would have been better if you had not remembered the person and be complete strangers once again than to be strange friends.
I was talking to a friend today about the things that I have been going through over the past week and said friend mentioned that there are not many people that she remembers a person that she likes or cares for, let alone the reasons why she likes them or cares for them. And in revealing my blessing and my curse, I remember every single one of them and can list down the reasons why I particularly like or care for them. It's a pretty long list of people I might add. I know that it all the cases, things will never get back to the way things were because I remember and it can be a little agonising. People used to think that living forever is an awesome thing but there are equally enough fiction on why that is such a terrible idea. I'm pretty sure that it works kind of the same way as remembering people.
In most cases where I have been in this same position, no doubt it truly sucks to be in it. But this time, it sucks even harder knowing that I tried to do the right thing and it still doesn't work. All other times, I've hardly done a thing and I have myself to blame and rightfully so. This time, I don't even have myself to blame since I know I tried to do the right thing, it just doesn't work at all with me. And so another name shall be added to the list, with even more of people's memories burned in my brain.
I'm just so tired of always being in the same spot time after time. Which makes the promise I made 3 years ago, which will come into effect in 2 years time, something for me to look forward to. No longer will I be disappointed with my actions and feel that everything I do just sucks. I will lose a lot of the things that I want to have in keeping that promise but perhaps I will have much to gain. It will be difficult, probably the most difficult thing that I might possibly face. But there will be a time.
In the meantime, I think it has taken me more than 30 years to start to learn making friends. I mean truly making and maintaining friendship. Because it has dawned upon me that I never really did make lasting friendships, just long enough to last through different seasons, as my friend told me. And the opportunity has just presented itself on a silver platter.
Recently I was asked to be one of two of the groomsmen for a friend's wedding. I have never been a groomsman, which is a testament to the number of people who think that I have stuck through. This friend of mine revealed that he has never really had close friends apart from his fiancé, same as me except for the fiancé part. And to think that he would ask me to be one of the groomsmen is somewhat surprising. Perhaps this is the first test for having a close friend. To reach out and to be vulnerable with one another. Hopefully the first of many.
It seems like we both need it.
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The Void
Sunday, October 11, 2015
at
8:05 PM
Over the years of writing this blog, I have many different phases of writing styles. From the downright babbling away what my everyday life looks like to the things that make me think and feel. It usually takes something significant from not writing anything regularly for this long and this is no different.
I am re-examining the reasons why I write and why I don't write. And it all comes down to pretty much one thing, a place where I can yell into a void. Why I don't write is because of the content of what I am about to yell will be read by the very people who are involved in my said yelling, but I want to yell. Why I write is essentially the same thing, except it affects no one and I still get to yell into the void.
Judging by the viewership of this site now, I can now yell as much as I want now until I decide to deprecate this blog. That time will be another 2-3 years, maybe sooner but definitely not later so I am going to make use of this time to be cathartic.
I feel really shitty right now. It probably would have been much worse if the circumstances in which it made me feel shitty dragged on a little longer. But the intensity of the shitty-ness is still bad enough that I will sit in this for quite awhile. I'm trying to distract myself from all of this but so far it's done nothing to it. Played badminton for 2 hours straight without a break because I want to expend all my energy but that isn't enough. Right now that bottle of wine sitting in my cabinet is looking mighty tempting. I think what makes it even worse is that, as much as I can say to people that I feel pretty shitty without divulging details, people instantly give advice on how to get over that shitty feeling. No, I don't want wise words, at least not just yet. There is a time for such advice and unfortunately people don't get that. Job's friends certainly didn't, in fact they did more damage by opening their mouths. I just want people to just to be still, and maybe listen.
At church, we've talked a lot about friendship (through David and Jonathan) and community (a running theme in our current series). I can say that I don't have a friend that I can confide in whenever I feel absolutely rubbish and I'm sure people don't see me that way either. I'm pretty good at listening to relative strangers mainly because I know that there are no strings attached once we part ways. I'm shitty that way.
I'm a shitty friend, a shitty person which I'm sure all have an effect on why I feel so shitty right now.
I am re-examining the reasons why I write and why I don't write. And it all comes down to pretty much one thing, a place where I can yell into a void. Why I don't write is because of the content of what I am about to yell will be read by the very people who are involved in my said yelling, but I want to yell. Why I write is essentially the same thing, except it affects no one and I still get to yell into the void.
Judging by the viewership of this site now, I can now yell as much as I want now until I decide to deprecate this blog. That time will be another 2-3 years, maybe sooner but definitely not later so I am going to make use of this time to be cathartic.
I feel really shitty right now. It probably would have been much worse if the circumstances in which it made me feel shitty dragged on a little longer. But the intensity of the shitty-ness is still bad enough that I will sit in this for quite awhile. I'm trying to distract myself from all of this but so far it's done nothing to it. Played badminton for 2 hours straight without a break because I want to expend all my energy but that isn't enough. Right now that bottle of wine sitting in my cabinet is looking mighty tempting. I think what makes it even worse is that, as much as I can say to people that I feel pretty shitty without divulging details, people instantly give advice on how to get over that shitty feeling. No, I don't want wise words, at least not just yet. There is a time for such advice and unfortunately people don't get that. Job's friends certainly didn't, in fact they did more damage by opening their mouths. I just want people to just to be still, and maybe listen.
At church, we've talked a lot about friendship (through David and Jonathan) and community (a running theme in our current series). I can say that I don't have a friend that I can confide in whenever I feel absolutely rubbish and I'm sure people don't see me that way either. I'm pretty good at listening to relative strangers mainly because I know that there are no strings attached once we part ways. I'm shitty that way.
I'm a shitty friend, a shitty person which I'm sure all have an effect on why I feel so shitty right now.
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