That conversation stuck with me for a number of reasons, mostly because of contextual reasons but also because it was a unique conversation, one that I never have the pleasure of having with this friend again nor anyone else in my tiny circle of friends. This was the first time that a friend called out what was really going on in my life, straight to the point and gave the no nonsense look. Now normally, I would have given a vague canned response to such questions and sometimes even go to the extent of denying that there was something going on. But this was the first time that I let myself go and see where it leads me. In short, I let myself be vulnerable. But I know that I feel safe, because it took years of friendship to get to this point.
The conversation took its various turns as a conversation should and at the end it was summarised in four words, "You can do it.". The optimism in this friend of mine for others is incredible, always believing in the ability of others but not of own ability. I've even tested that optimism time and time again. Every time the answer was the same, Friend's ability - 1, Mine - 0.
As it turns out, I almost did it but as the greatest philosopher of our time, Jedi Grand Master Yoda, once said, "Do. Or do not. There is no try.". Every ounce in my being wanted to say I told you so but that would be in poor taste. And so, nothing was recorded in history and left to a few fading memories where time will work to and for the destruction of those memories.
Since that conversation, there have been several times where those four words came back to haunt me and in different contexts as well. It has caused many sleepless nights. Conversations like the one that I had with my friend are like a double edged sword, there is great potential for joy but also a great potential for burden.
I wish I could remember everything about that conversation except those four words. But then, it wouldn't have made the conversation particularly interesting. Nor made me remember that this is the only person who saw right through me and called it and I really appreciated that. Nor made me think that all these sleepless nights is going to be useful somehow someday.
Rats.
PS: This has been incredibly useful on my Ikea-hacked stand up desk.
PSS: To all of you, DFTBA!
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