As part of my usual 2 year downward spiral cycle of thinking how incredibly stupid I am, thinking why on Earth did I do that and smacking my head on the wall (or something solid nearby) and wallowing in my own self depreciation, which starts right about now actually, it is only fitting that I am made to think about my past experiences or lack thereof and how that has affected me as a person.
I have to say that I live a very non-happening life because mainly I have been focused on one thing and one thing only in my younger days, to get a PhD and to start teaching in universities. Because of this, I took of classes on advanced math, set myself up on track to be doing research. Coupled with the fact that I am a poor international student, everything was subject to scrutiny if any money was to go out of my pocket. So very little things I have done, spent many days in my room travelling the far corners of the internet (mostly about cats) and my ridiculous blogging (it's still ridiculous, by the way). I thought that I could endure all of this in order that I may get what I came here for, then I can enjoy the things that Melbourne can offer. At the rate I was going, I thought I was invincible and it was a matter of time that I will achieve what I set myself out to do.
Then in a twinkling, everything departed from me. The career that I once sought after that I thought I was so sure that I was going to do it disintegrated before my eyes. Relationships cracked, fractured and eventually caved in to the pressures of saving the thing that I wanted the most. I once had a conversation with a high school friend visiting Melbourne at that time and after telling him about my experiences, he promptly rebuked me and of course I didn't really listen. I had everything rationalised and while some of it was definitely my fault but surely not this thing that my friend rebuked me for. Years later, I finally realised that he was right, but that is for another story.
But I went on, now trying this new field and again saving what was left of a chance to be doing something meaningful. And of course be paid for that. But that came at a cost of 2 years of being a poor international student again. But even after that, I still stayed the same, not going out and explore the outdoors, go on adventures, trips to see various parts of the world and so on.
I am now beginning to feel the effects of that now. I've been talking to a friend and she is really living the life. Despite the fact that she is busy finishing her specialist training and thinking about whether she is going to continue to do her PhD in the area, she has done precisely the opposite of what I have done. Well traveled and well explored locally, the wealth of experiences that she has accumulated is just amazing. And that has a very deep impact on how she lives and views life. She has made time for enjoying the things that are around while still keeping a great career.
Basically this is me saying that I have the FOMO syndrome. I wonder, would I be a different person had I done what she did early on? I suspect not because I would still be a jerk and an idiot, just less of it. And now that I am approaching the next version update to 3.0, quarter life crisis #3 is well on the way, and now thinking about what have I missed. What am I to do? You know, all part of being 30. Maybe just the singles. Maybe just me.
On the bright side, if the trend is right, I will only have to endure another cycle after this one is over. Yay to being 33!
PS. Expect that there will be more incoherent blog posts in the future. It's just a phase.
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