Been hearing a lot about relatives of friends of mine, about the things that they do and the things they say to them, I find quite fascinating. But the thing that fascinates me the most is that most of my friends still have this developed sense of closeness with their relatives, be it cousins, uncles and aunts despite some of their occasional peculiar behaviour. It kinda saddens me a bit because that is something that I used to have with my relatives. As I ponder on the what and the why, I think about how would I look like had I still had that same closeness with my relatives as I did when I was growing up.
I used to love the pilgrimage back to Penang over the school holidays (or even Chinese New Year) because I really look forward to playing with my cousins and talk to my uncles and aunts and some of the elders who are able to speak English. I was (and still am) a horrible Hokkien descendant so whatever little I knew about Hokkien is not enough to sustain anything, not even a cry for help. I see them once, maybe twice a year, but every time it is always a happy time for me to go there and spend the week. Oh and the food. Oh the food.
The pilgrimage to Penang was to see my father's side of the family. My mother's side on the other hand was a bit more complicated. Unlike my dad's side where almost all of his side of the family are in Penang, my mum's side are spread between 3 countries. The closest was JB/Singapore. When I'm not going to Penang over the school holidays, I would travel to JB/Singapore to play with my other cousins. I used to be very close with them because for most of the time we literally had the whole house to ourselves to play (and this was a BIG house). We could do anything like we had a care in the world. Needless to say, I also enjoyed that time where I was there spending the week. The rest of the mum's side I would not see for years, sometimes a decade, but that never bothered me. Not yet.
Slowly but surely, things changed. The pilgrimage felt different during my teenage years, mainly because most of my cousins (most of them are considerably older than me) started bringing in their plus ones or that they decided to start a new family tradition by going on overseas holidays during Chinese New Year. My grandmother losing her memory and not to mention my inability to speak to her aggravates the growing distance. Suddenly I felt lonely at a time where it is supposed to bring family back under one house. My cousins from JB/Singapore then migrated overseas and it would years before I see them again. Not to mention that I started seeing cracks within my own family as well. This realization of course never really came to me until much later and it really saddens me, not only for the situations that led to this distance between myself and my extended family but for me as a person.
My teenage years could be described as rather reclusive. I was only really known for 3 things back then; science, math and chess. It took me a long time before I came out of my shell and even then I questioned myself on whether it was a stupid thing to do. It doesn't surprise me that the time when the distance between myself and my used-to-be close relatives coincided with my rather reclusive nature in high school. I was a lot more social in my childhood days partly because of the nature of play. Perhaps it was the hormonal engine kicking in that started the decline.
Whatever the reasons are for causing the distance, it is clear that that shaped me as a person to a rather large degree. Looking at my other friends and how they are like only adds to my theory. So, I wonder how would I be had I had the same closeness as I did back then. Perhaps more bold, confident. Perhaps more sociable, greater approachability. Maybe no change at all. Trying to rebuild a bridge with this kind of distance now is an extremely hard task, my previous post is a testament to that albeit not doing a very good job, if any.
Right now, I've had friends that shaped me to who I am now, largely. We had some crazy fun times together (and still do). But I think it cannot completely take over what close relationships with the extended family bring. Of course things like personality are significant variables to take into account but generally this is how it is. Which, very badly of me, I am trying to do that very same thing.
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More than a decade since I have watched this movie and nearly two decades of hearing this, but I understand and feel it more now than ever. Perhaps I should go through some of the old romance movies again.
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