Given that I will finish everything in about a week, there's some room for reflection. Which is both good and bad. Good that at least I have a chance to have a look at the big picture and remind myself what's ahead or what has become, bad because in most cases it leaves me in a very uncertain state and often times it bugs me to sleep and then some. And I did say I was going to expound on certain things the last time.
The past couple of months have been rather eventful, not for me unfortunately. Unless you count assignment work eventful. Right now, all I'm seeing is that dozens of people have moved so far ahead of their lives, it seems that I've barely left the starting line. People my age and younger are starting to own their own houses, the countless number of friends getting engaged/married, owning their own cars, jobs and some are well on their way to starting their own families. I'm of course happy for all of above mentioned people but it is hard for a person in my position to not feel even the slightest bit of envy. There is a natural drive within all of us that wants to achieve some of the big things humans can ever do. Call it what you like, the 5Cs as some Singaporeans might be familiar with or the 5 milestones I've talked about before, we all still want to achieve those measures and I'd be lying if I said that I didn't want to. Even though I'm on the brink of finishing my course and ready to go on to whatever rat race I've been placed it, I can't help but think how much time have I lost and not have the so-called security net of these things.
Let's face it, no one wants to be left behind of the pack because it is a pretty lonely place back there. I've been there for far too long. But perhaps I've been held back for good reason, reasons that are yet to unfold before my eyes. Also let's hope that with the benefit of hindsight that some valuable lessons can be learned before regret starts to creep in.
Speaking of lessons learned, one that I'm only just starting to unpack, came about a couple of days ago. It's not so much of a lesson learned right there and then but it was a slow work in progress that stretched to over 3 years. Some of you might know of the event that started all the way back then and of course how it ended. But what nearly all of you didn't know is that before it all began, I was actually quite determined to not let it happen. There were certain cues which gave me the feeling that this isn't something that I should pursue. But effectively because of a miscommunication (of course I didn't know this until much later), my guard fell and I went for it despite my gut telling me otherwise. So things went very fast and very furious and knowing me, anything that I do fast is bound to crash and burn. And so it did. Too many mistakes made, some so big that for a long time I couldn't forgive myself. Fast forward to present day, after a recent event, sealed what is to be the longest lesson served up to me thus far. Holding up your guard and keep watch are so important but if it does fall, one should act appropriately and not that of a crazed gung-ho self-confident hero. I failed on both accounts. Let's just hope that I don't go the opposite direction and shell up. I feel as though I'm starting to do that already.
On a separate note, I find it slightly funny though that in the midst of all of events that happened in the past 3 years, the one totally unrelated stranger whom I've expressed all of my concerns then turned out to be rather influential in the events leading up to a couple days ago. What are the odds of that? This seemingly small, quirky thing actually ends up being one of the major players that led me to my moment of epiphany about this rather long lesson of mine. There are many more things that I've yet to discover about this so there's more to learn. Better late learning them then never.
What do I know about love? *shrugs* Apparently not enough.
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Something uplifting after that dense but slightly vague post, Kristin Chenoweth sings about life in an apartment. She's so pint-sized and cute.
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