When I fall sick, the first thing that I usually think of is "Oh God. It's finally here. I have terminal cancer". Or something along those lines. Because there were no signs prior to actually getting sick, I'd always assumed that I am going to kick the bucket in like 6 months or so. And that's where my mind will continue to wander, trying to entertain the thought that I am going to leave this world in a very short time.
The usual things that I think about while in this "death bed" mode are usually my regrets. I'm sure that everyone will at some stage reach this point when you see Death approaching you from afar and heading your way. Right now the number one thing that I regret is not telling the people I love that I love them. I guess this is from growing up in a family where my father never really expresses himself to his children a lot until a crisis hits, usually by then it is too late. And I think from listening to a sermon recently on Ephesians 6 about parents, this kinda changed my thinking a lot. Being sick now makes me think that this change is too late for it to be meaningful, and that sucks.
I think the next thing that I will regret is not being able to break out of the face of rejection from people, especially from the people that have an interest in. I think years of self examination on how I have failed in a relationship (and horribly for that matter) makes me feel that I should be ready for one more try at it. Lady Antebellum puts it nicely in a song Ready To Love Again. But all this talk about being entitled to another chance is hogwash. I am not, no, never, entitled to another chance. I am given grace for another chance. But in the midst of being in "death bed" mode, one can't help but to think of it that way. Soon after, I'll slap myself saying that is all nonsense.
The other things that I usually end up thinking is how I am going to avoid breaking the news to friends that I have 6 months to live. I usually don't deal well with friends crying or just an overall sense of impending loss. And so because of that I have always wanted to go quietly. In fact, I've once asked people, if they had a say on how they were to go, how would they want to go. Mine was without a question, that I was going to go alone. Now I understand that some people think that it is pretty selfish of wanting to die alone, similar to those who have committed suicide (by the way, I am not suicidal). With the recent news of Robin Willliams suicide, that is now a pretty grey area and subject to much discussion. Anyway, I think the words to this song made me think that it might be a good thing or at least in theory, discarding all the things of this world all for the sake of getting Jesus. Paul even says so for himself in Philippians 1.
When I've come to die (x3)
Give me Jesus
Give me Jesus (x2)
You can have all this world
But give me Jesus
It seems so silly that just having a cold and I think a lot about death. But living the Christian life means that death is not the be all and end all, but there is God at the end of life. And so the words of the 1 Corinthians 15 and this song below puts it clearly that we should not fear death or shudder at the thought of death.
O Death, where is your sting?
O Hell, where is your victory?
Panadol time!
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