Today has shown even more evidence that I do not feel happy about anything anymore. I have been presented with very wonderful news from a good friend...and nothing. Obviously I show the signs of external elation but deep down, nothing more than a fizzle. I must say that I feel very honoured and privileged to be one of the few people to know about it. Either that or I am just very lucky to hear of it. Despite hearing this, I show all the signs of being extremely happy but I know that I am just plain lying.
Why is it that I cannot feel happiness for others any more? My only guess is that I am actually unhappy about myself and I cannot translate that self-unhappiness into happiness for others. Perhaps in my subconscious level that I am struggling with something and that this struggle is inhibiting me from not focusing on myself. Well actually that is a lie too, I do know what I am struggling with but that is subject for another conversation.
Thinking about all of this and how I have felt in the past several years, I think my main sin is self-pity. That may come across as something strange to most people but self-pity is actually a very comfortable if not slightly miserable place to be in. There is nothing good about me, nothing special that I have. Which I think is a bit funny because before God broke me back in 2008, he was dealing with my sin of pride. That everything can and will be achievable by my efforts, I have planned everything out because I know it was the most natural thing to do. I was good at it. Now it seems that I have swung in the complete opposite. Perhaps what I am experiencing is God's hand at correcting me of my self-pity and I feel it is just the beginning.
Who knows how long this correction might take. If it is anything like my last correction, it will take years. All I do know is that my prayers have become, for a lack of a better phrase, more desperate, more fervent. Because no one likes to be in this position and there is got to be something better than this.
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