Can't Place a Finger On It

Sunday, August 31, 2014 at 1:21 AM | Posted by Juwen
Today is the last day that the housemate is going to be around and will soon be joined by a stranger, at least for now. I am also going to be the sole source of testosterone in the house which should make it interesting. 

 My housemate left me a note as a parting gift which had a much bigger impact on me than I thought it would have. These were the words that struck me the most 
You always seem to be looking for something, reminds me of track #3 in Heavier Things. I really hope you find/get what you need.

 And in just that moment, there was a lot of things that just overcame me.

 First thing was that it reminded me of what Matt Chandler was talking about at the Something Bigger event. That we seek for something to fill that satisfaction in us, that we seek out what will make me happy. And people go looking in all the wrong places for that satisfaction. Myself including. This really hit me hard as a reminder that I have been looking for something in other things even though I say that I am not.

 The next thing that followed was that perhaps I should continue to remind myself that none of the things that I see or want will bring me happiness because they will ultimately disappoint me. And that it will lead to me further disappointing me which is again something that Matt Chandler has talked about. My career will not bring happiness. My relationships will not bring happiness. Going to church will not bring happiness. Only God can bring me happiness.

 Yet another was the fact that I don't even want to know whether I will get what I need in the end. The age old saying of "be careful of what you wish for, for you may actually get it" has never rung a more sinister tone than now. I am looking for something but now I am not so sure that I want to be looking for that something. All the more that I really should be like Paul, to want Christ.

 And finally, it seems to me that I only really know how I am doing when it's too late to talk about it further. The feedback that I get from people is too late and usually I'm left with the feeling of regret and somewhat angry that the fact. 

 The flood of thoughts came in and within half a second, a moment of weakness, I nearly shed a tear. I just felt so broken for the first time in a long time. Cries of "what on earth am I doing" came out from my soul.

 And then, I had to shove it back in to help my housemate move.

 ***
PS: For reference, the song in Heavier Things. The lyrics are pretty telling.

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Genie-ous

Monday, August 18, 2014 at 12:22 AM | Posted by Juwen
I've been watching lots of talk show programs where Robin Williams was on yesterday and it made me remember why this guy is such a legend. I'm sure there are many sites out there who can do a better job describing why is that so. Some people find him annoying and others are completely shocked when they listened to his stand up acts (they are completely and utterly vulgar, not what you'd expect to hear coming from the guy who voice the Genie from Aladdin).

 Jimmy Fallon's tribute to Robin Williams was absolutely spot on when he describes him as a person who can switch between characters in just a split second and he can sell the character so well that it is almost second nature to him. His brain is on overdrive, a master of improvisation, sharp and knows how to get you to laugh.

 This is even evident when you are not a fan of vulgarities in his stand up acts. He can say something that is completely inappropriate and vulgar that might cause you to gasp in shock but within the same breath will say or do something that will make you laugh and will forget about what he said for a split second. In other words, this guy is so fast at making you laugh, he short circuits your brain to make you laugh before you have the time to process what he said before, however inappropriate it is.

 And of course, let's not forget his amazing performances when he did get serious. Good Will Hunting, Dead Poets Society, What Dreams May Come and many more. This guy is the actor's actor, the comedian's comedian. We will all miss his strange fast paced kind of humour.

 I'll end with some of the illustrations just how funny and a riot he is.

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Knocking on Heaven's Doors

Thursday, August 14, 2014 at 11:10 PM | Posted by Juwen
Because I fall sick so infrequently, my mind tends to wander a lot when I actually do fall sick. To give you a context on how infrequently I fall sick, the last time that I actually fell sick was back in 2008. Normally, being sick is usually get the cold and I tend to recover from that pretty quickly.

 When I fall sick, the first thing that I usually think of is "Oh God. It's finally here. I have terminal cancer". Or something along those lines. Because there were no signs prior to actually getting sick, I'd always assumed that I am going to kick the bucket in like 6 months or so. And that's where my mind will continue to wander, trying to entertain the thought that I am going to leave this world in a very short time.

 The usual things that I think about while in this "death bed" mode are usually my regrets. I'm sure that everyone will at some stage reach this point when you see Death approaching you from afar and heading your way. Right now the number one thing that I regret is not telling the people I love that I love them. I guess this is from growing up in a family where my father never really expresses himself to his children a lot until a crisis hits, usually by then it is too late. And I think from listening to a sermon recently on Ephesians 6 about parents, this kinda changed my thinking a lot. Being sick now makes me think that this change is too late for it to be meaningful, and that sucks.

 I think the next thing that I will regret is not being able to break out of the face of rejection from people, especially from the people that have an interest in. I think years of self examination on how I have failed in a relationship (and horribly for that matter) makes me feel that I should be ready for one more try at it. Lady Antebellum puts it nicely in a song Ready To Love Again. But all this talk about being entitled to another chance is hogwash. I am not, no, never, entitled to another chance. I am given grace for another chance. But in the midst of being in "death bed" mode, one can't help but to think of it that way. Soon after, I'll slap myself saying that is all nonsense.

 The other things that I usually end up thinking is how I am going to avoid breaking the news to friends that I have 6 months to live. I usually don't deal well with friends crying or just an overall sense of impending loss. And so because of that I have always wanted to go quietly. In fact, I've once asked people, if they had a say on how they were to go, how would they want to go. Mine was without a question, that I was going to go alone. Now I understand that some people think that it is pretty selfish of wanting to die alone, similar to those who have committed suicide (by the way, I am not suicidal). With the recent news of Robin Willliams suicide, that is now a pretty grey area and subject to much discussion. Anyway, I think the words to this song made me think that it might be a good thing or at least in theory, discarding all the things of this world all for the sake of getting Jesus. Paul even says so for himself in Philippians 1.
When I've come to die (x3)
Give me Jesus

Give me Jesus (x2)
You can have all this world
But give me Jesus

 It seems so silly that just having a cold and I think a lot about death. But living the Christian life means that death is not the be all and end all, but there is God at the end of life. And so the words of the 1 Corinthians 15 and this song below puts it clearly that we should not fear death or shudder at the thought of death.
O Death, where is your sting?
O Hell, where is your victory?


 Panadol time!

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Brain Fart

Thursday, August 7, 2014 at 11:13 PM | Posted by Juwen
I am having such a hard time to write now. So many things in my head and I don't know where to start. Perhaps I just need a person to confide in to pour out all the dumb things and feelings in my head to relieve the pressure, and maybe sleep well again. But I have trust issues. Phooey.

So there.

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Complimentary Decision

Sunday, August 3, 2014 at 3:36 PM | Posted by Juwen
I've recently caught up with a friend that I haven't seen in yonks and he turns out to be working in the building next to the one that I am in. So that was convenient. It's one of those cold rainy afternoons where there is nowhere else to go but the daggy looking food court nearby just to have a chat. Good thing is that the both of us weren't that hungry for lunch so the daggy food court wasn't a big deal.

He seems to be doing great and I somehow manage to fish out some information about him that I suspected to be true. Pro tip: act like you don't know and you can much fish out anything if they were true and if you play your conversational cards right. Know this and you can also call that out on others as well trying to do the same thing to you.

Anyway, one thing led to another and the question came up was that how did he decide to stop going to the church that I am still somewhat involved and concentrated in the current church, which is also the church that I am calling my main base. Of course many kinds of analysis came out but the one that really stuck with me was that he had reached a point where he cannot identify with the community of that church and though he was initially involved with various ministries, he found that he was not committed most of the time. Probably partly due to the culture that we have grown so used to all these years. All the energy invested with little fruit finally gave way. He has also stated that he feels more a part of the current church community with lots of opportunity to serve but the important thing is that he is part of a community that dives into the deep difficult parts and not be afraid to talk or do the things that needs to be done. He says that when he finally decided, he didn't really look back.

I don't necessarily see that this is going to be me later but I can definitely identify with lots of things that he has mentioned. In fact, catching up with my friend and unknowingly end up talking about this matter comforted me in a lot of ways. For it is a question of huge importance as I consider what am I going to do with my time. Hugely important question. And it will start to manifest itself when the great housemate swap begins. 

Please don't misunderstand me in saying that the church is "bad". Every church is broken in some way or the other, the sooner we realise this, the better. In fact I owe a huge deal to this church that I am considering to step down from all roles (and above all, to God for bringing me to this church in the first place). But there is a time and place to move on (or sometimes stay). Right now, I'm the Schroedinger cat of staying and moving on. Something needs to open the box.

***

There's this article on the Relevant magazine which kinda shook me up a little. It's an article about what is humility but focusing on the what is not humility practically. The first two points is obvious and anyone who has known me for more than 5 minutes can safely say that I don't do this (with 95% confidence).

The last two points however are the ones that sucker punched the inner man. I can never take a compliment and I redirect anything to do with my abilities somewhere (hopefully God). Now in light of this, it's actually think that it is quite insulting to God to not take a compliment. Seemingly reject the talents that God has given you under the pretence of humility is a big no and something that I have been doing since as long as I can remember. And I think this goes well with what C.S. Lewis says on the topic of humility:
True humility is not thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less.

Not taking a compliment, I'd say, is really the former. Taking a compliment is not the same as bragging, as obvious as that seem to sound. Of course, ultimately it still should wind up pointing to the one who gave you these talents. Taking a compliment should be an acknowledgement that God has given you something that can be used for the good of others. And of course not on self.

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With Trembling

Wednesday, July 30, 2014 at 10:39 PM | Posted by Juwen
Been attending a Bible Study Foundation session that has just started recently. There are a few good things about this as well as some short comings about how things are done here. But you can't have every thing. It's just another avenue to study the Bible. This month we have started reading the book of Philippians and it has been good so far. And then songs get stuck in your head. One in particular is a song that has frequented our Sunday church services is Rejoice and this is a theme that spans throughout the book and it is a great reminder and summary of what is in the book of Philippians. Also it has monster potential for epic sound if done correctly which should and must be in a song like Rejoice. Which ties in with our church series in Ephesians recently about speaking through song. 

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AZN

Tuesday, July 29, 2014 at 10:30 PM | Posted by Juwen
And now for something completely different from the usual jibber-jabber. This.

And especially this.

High-larious.

 ***

 Ok so that was half true in the end. Every week at least once I have the "What on earth are you doing?" mode on the way back home. It is the worst. It's feeling a lot like 2010. Ok, a bit better than that. But still.

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