I am not awesome. Really.

Sayangku jangan kau persoalkan siapa di hatiku,
Terukir di bintang tak mungkin hilang cintaku padamu 

Malay can be such a poetic language. A bit late for me to realise this but at least I got there.

After having drinks with the colleagues, I've met someone who shares the same interest in all things funk, 70s disco, jazz and motown. And not only that but he gave me a whole list of Melbourne funk inspired bands and albums to give me earworms for the rest of the month. Thank goodness! I told him that I am a bit of an obscure person. An Asian dude who loves (at the risk of sounding racist) black music. He laughed it off as well. Loooove funk.





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I'm starting to see it happen a little more often in the 2pm service in church. That there's a little more emotion injected into our singing. Finally! I get excited when the song list appears on my email on the weeks that I am playing either bass or drums and attached to it are Youtube vids which are either a different/contemporary arrangement of very familiar songs to us or "new" songs that speaks truth in volumes in both music AND lyrics. More often than not, I actually think about the songs more than I normally do if it brings certain level of emotion through the music.

We have a tendency to have a lot of songs to be of a reflective kind and musically as well. But there is a difference between being reflective and being solemn, and I think it is more of the latter that we do a lot. Don't get me wrong, there is certainly a place for being solemn in our songs. But if we want to be truly reflective in our songs, we must also not be afraid of showing emotions. For example in the Psalms, a large portion of the Psalms are not happy happy in fact it's often the contrary. Yet David pours it all out to God trusting that he is sovereign and will prevail. He reflects on the character of God in the midst of all the struggle and pours it all to God, trusting that he will do what is right. From the Word in Song conference that I went to not too long ago, the song leader mention people come into church and they may have had a great week while others may have quite the opposite. Yet when all of them sing the same song, pouring out their emotions through their singing, you get to see a bigger picture of what worshipping this mighty God looks like. Sometimes I'll hear song leaders or even pastors say to the congregation to leave all your worries and cares outside the church and just come to God. God is not some North Korean dictator who executes you if you are not feeling happy in his presence. He is very much interested in the struggles that we have and bring it to him, like David. So I cringe whenever someone says that, even more so if I'm part of the music team. I'm glad though that it doesn't happen much.

I was particularly encourage by my housemate's song leading and also his choice of songs today. It was very reflective, emotional but not without substance. Not only did he gave the music team something to listen to over the week to familiarise ourselves with the songs, but I often find myself singing it from time to time because I had been thinking about the words, feeling it, and just worship. I hope that we continue to move in that direction for our Sunday services. Because if it is anything like how I experienced it, the words don't just remain inside the walls of the church or on a Sunday but echo through out the week and we don't treat God like a once a week catch-up brunch session.

I'm slowly becoming fine with my current situation after having lots of time alone, contemplating and slowly getting rid of the excess baggage. I speak fewer words, looking elsewhere, not looking anywhere. All to drive me back towards my emotional baseline. Just need a little longer.


Lately I've read several good articles that seem to revolve around what I feel right now about life, love, relationships with others and having children (I kid you not. Heh, kid.). It is as though a flare was shot through the sky indicating that perhaps my thoughts are not unique. That non-uniqueness is very much appreciated. 


I have spoken a couple of times on the first three things before intermittently before but never really on the last one. I may not look like the kind of person to want children but to the few friends who know me might tell you otherwise. Even fewer will tell you the exact configuration of children I would like to have if I can have it my way. I remember having one conversation among a very small group of friends a long time ago asking questions regarding having children. Although we were all still young and very single then we still searched ourselves to the best of our ability to say whether we might be a good parent. Which on hindsight, I realise, is actually a rather pointless question. Even most parents cannot answer that with full certainty. I remember giving my answer as I would probably not be a good one, despite replies from my friends saying otherwise. Fast forward to today and I would still give the same answer as I did so many years ago. But I'd still do it.


Most of advertising work by trying to sell you something most often a useful product. But selling you a lifestyle probably makes it even more effective because people can imagine themselves taking on that lifestyle and will feel good about it. It's kinda like that with me on parenthood. Seeing my friends with their children, the joy (and the struggles) it brings, the new relationship created between parent and child and all that jazz portrays a lifestyle that I can imagine myself in. Whether or not it becomes a reality is a separate issue. There are times where I will hear of some people who can think of no worse thing than having children and I will be completely baffled by it. But that would just be a difference in lifestyles and everyone is entitled to have their own.


Perhaps I feel cluckish now because I'm seeing lots of friends who are expecting and some I am expecting that they will be expecting soon. Because I wonder how does that feel be in that position. Overly joyous yet scared, in a good way. It may very well be that I will never know. So all I can do is imagine. And for now I'm fine with that.

Today has been a day wrought with thoughts. So many things to think about, so little answers. So many big issues, so little solutions. Went to the Word in Song conference on learning and dealing with some of the issues in the music ministry and it has been highly insightful. Though I really wished I could go for all of the workshops but my head would have exploded so kinda grateful for that. One thing at a time, plz? Even on learning on church band dynamics, it contains a whole lot of stuff to make the music ministry that much more effective. The hard part is that it is based on certain assumptions made which our church does not do and so it is very hard to leverage off these great suggestions without these assumptions. How do we steer the current music ministry in the right direction is a very big hard question and I (or rather we) have some solutions, whether or not people take the solutions seriously is a completely different matter. This is where I should have gone for the other workshop on how to choose an appropriate music culture and how to change. That would give hints to tackling this problem, though it might mean it would pose even more questions back at us. Next year, next year.

It has been a good week relaxing, vegatating, doing nothing, staying at home over the public holidays after the completion of the intense 7 week project and it is also good to know that the approval process was pretty swift. Now the project is going to be launched on Monday. It is the first project that I have sat in from start to finish so I guess that is a big achievement. Now to a new project.

The more I've thought about it, the more the analogy kinda makes sense. Emotions can sometimes be analogous to laws that govern the movement of massive (as in, having mass) objects. Except emotions do not have mass and neither it's an object. Shut up. 

Given my recent events, it has become clear that emotions have such a thing as inertia or momentum. It will keep going in one direction unless something else comes into the picture. This is the first law. Love or hate someone and you will continue doing so unless someone steps in.

The change in your actions is directly proportional to the emotions you have and it is in the direction of the person in question. This is the second law. What you will do (or willing to do) for a person increases as your emotions towards the person increases.

And of course, the one that does not need to be rephrased, every action has an equal and opposite reaction. This is the third law. There will be reciprocation of your actions based on your emotions but the consequences are not necessarily the same. Yeah I admit this one is a bit fuzzy.

So no analogy is completely air-tight in its argument. But I'd like to think that my hypothesis is true. Not exactly scientifically measurable but I guess you have to take it by faith.

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I was talking to a friend and he said that the ability to read non-verbal language is both a blessing and a curse. I haven't given it much thought about that statement but it is starting to be one of those that is becoming increasingly true as I ponder on that.

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7 weeks of intense work and I finally have a little bit of time to rest. And then back to tight deadlines again. And more reflecting.

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I'd imagine it was going to be hard.

Yes, it was. Yes, it is.

Hermit mode, on.

The past two weeks was filled with thinking and emotional wrestling (a lot more than usual) given the current state that I was in. I got side tracked a bit during Easter when I went up to Belgrave for a couple of days. There was a lot of great insights from the book of Esther and John (plus Hebrews) and its current relevance in our world. There were even some instances where some of those insights were directly related and applicable to me in my current situation. Still need a lot of thinking and reflection on it for me to unpack what it means. The seminars this time round were really good since they are drawing on the key phrase from Esther "for such a time as this" for this year. I also watched ABC's Q&A program where they had a debate between Richard Dawkins and the archbishop George Pell as a follow up from Belgrave. George did a decent job at shaking Richard's arguments off but he stepped on a couple of pretty deadly landmines. Could have been better.

But when I do get back at my own issues, it's been tough trying to think about it. To the one person who talked to me about it, thank you for listening to all my rubbish talk. I still feel like shit but I thank you for making me feel slightly better even if it was only for a short period of time. More importantly, I appreciate your boldness, something that I think I find lacking in my current circles. I wish more people are like that, myself not sparing.

This is turning out to be harder than I initially project it to be. I am trying to muster every ounce of restrain to not act like an ass. And I don't think I am handling this particularly well. This might take awhile.

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This is just genius. My brain can barely process how wonderfully crazy this is. Perfect reminder.