Complimentary Decision

Sunday, August 3, 2014 at 3:36 PM | Posted by Juwen
I've recently caught up with a friend that I haven't seen in yonks and he turns out to be working in the building next to the one that I am in. So that was convenient. It's one of those cold rainy afternoons where there is nowhere else to go but the daggy looking food court nearby just to have a chat. Good thing is that the both of us weren't that hungry for lunch so the daggy food court wasn't a big deal.

He seems to be doing great and I somehow manage to fish out some information about him that I suspected to be true. Pro tip: act like you don't know and you can much fish out anything if they were true and if you play your conversational cards right. Know this and you can also call that out on others as well trying to do the same thing to you.

Anyway, one thing led to another and the question came up was that how did he decide to stop going to the church that I am still somewhat involved and concentrated in the current church, which is also the church that I am calling my main base. Of course many kinds of analysis came out but the one that really stuck with me was that he had reached a point where he cannot identify with the community of that church and though he was initially involved with various ministries, he found that he was not committed most of the time. Probably partly due to the culture that we have grown so used to all these years. All the energy invested with little fruit finally gave way. He has also stated that he feels more a part of the current church community with lots of opportunity to serve but the important thing is that he is part of a community that dives into the deep difficult parts and not be afraid to talk or do the things that needs to be done. He says that when he finally decided, he didn't really look back.

I don't necessarily see that this is going to be me later but I can definitely identify with lots of things that he has mentioned. In fact, catching up with my friend and unknowingly end up talking about this matter comforted me in a lot of ways. For it is a question of huge importance as I consider what am I going to do with my time. Hugely important question. And it will start to manifest itself when the great housemate swap begins. 

Please don't misunderstand me in saying that the church is "bad". Every church is broken in some way or the other, the sooner we realise this, the better. In fact I owe a huge deal to this church that I am considering to step down from all roles (and above all, to God for bringing me to this church in the first place). But there is a time and place to move on (or sometimes stay). Right now, I'm the Schroedinger cat of staying and moving on. Something needs to open the box.

***

There's this article on the Relevant magazine which kinda shook me up a little. It's an article about what is humility but focusing on the what is not humility practically. The first two points is obvious and anyone who has known me for more than 5 minutes can safely say that I don't do this (with 95% confidence).

The last two points however are the ones that sucker punched the inner man. I can never take a compliment and I redirect anything to do with my abilities somewhere (hopefully God). Now in light of this, it's actually think that it is quite insulting to God to not take a compliment. Seemingly reject the talents that God has given you under the pretence of humility is a big no and something that I have been doing since as long as I can remember. And I think this goes well with what C.S. Lewis says on the topic of humility:
True humility is not thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less.

Not taking a compliment, I'd say, is really the former. Taking a compliment is not the same as bragging, as obvious as that seem to sound. Of course, ultimately it still should wind up pointing to the one who gave you these talents. Taking a compliment should be an acknowledgement that God has given you something that can be used for the good of others. And of course not on self.

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With Trembling

Wednesday, July 30, 2014 at 10:39 PM | Posted by Juwen
Been attending a Bible Study Foundation session that has just started recently. There are a few good things about this as well as some short comings about how things are done here. But you can't have every thing. It's just another avenue to study the Bible. This month we have started reading the book of Philippians and it has been good so far. And then songs get stuck in your head. One in particular is a song that has frequented our Sunday church services is Rejoice and this is a theme that spans throughout the book and it is a great reminder and summary of what is in the book of Philippians. Also it has monster potential for epic sound if done correctly which should and must be in a song like Rejoice. Which ties in with our church series in Ephesians recently about speaking through song. 

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AZN

Tuesday, July 29, 2014 at 10:30 PM | Posted by Juwen
And now for something completely different from the usual jibber-jabber. This.

And especially this.

High-larious.

 ***

 Ok so that was half true in the end. Every week at least once I have the "What on earth are you doing?" mode on the way back home. It is the worst. It's feeling a lot like 2010. Ok, a bit better than that. But still.

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News Week

Sunday, July 27, 2014 at 9:33 PM | Posted by Juwen
It has been a rather surprising week in the news both locally and internationally. By now that every one would have heard about the terrible event that was the downing of the Malaysian Airlines flight over the Ukraine. It was of course a terrible shock to the whole world and everyone has the right to be angry about how on earth can this happen. Not to mention that assaults on Gaza by the Israeli military with rockets flying here and there. Thousands of lives needlessly lost just by those two incidents.

 Meanwhile, locally in my circle of friends, more grief appears as well. A friend of a friend was on board the Malaysian flight that went down. Another friend lost her dad just weeks before her wedding. It's so difficult to read news after news on Facebook, whether it is the lives lost because of conflict or being at the wrong place at the wrong time or just plain tragic.

 It is one of those times where I am reminded that we live in a broken world and horrific events like these humble me, sober me and point me to the day where all will be made right again.

 And then there is the sudden news that there is going to be a housemate swap. While that is rather sudden but it was soon explained why that was to happen and it made total sense. So in about a month's time, there will be a new face in the house. The thing that is bothering me right now about this is that the divide between my involvement with the other church that I go to is going to get even bigger with this move. Which is now forcing me to think really hard on whether should I decide to concentrate my efforts on the current church that I am going right now and step down from my roles in the other church that I go to. This seems like it is heading down to sunk cost territory because there is a lot of history there and a lot of personal investment in that church, in fact, it is the place where I got to know God more thanks to the friends that have brought me to this church 10 years ago.

 The strange thing is that I have toyed with the idea of moving out, to having my own place alone somewhere for some time now. The reasons for the toying around will remain a secret for now but I think it matters not. Accompanying that are the thoughts on whether people will really know that I am not around. I was once told that if I were gone for a couple of weeks, people would notice. I have my doubts about that statement but not that I care about what people think about me anyway.

 Perhaps that this is a sign from God, guiding me to places and people that I am to be apart of their lives. Whether it is for ministry, small group or even just a new circle of friends to be with.

 A time to move on.

 PS: Silently freaking out on the PR application now. I really don't want to think about it.

 PPS: It has also dawned upon me that this blog is starting to run past its intended use. Yet I still need an outlet and journalling doesn't fit. Perhaps that I still need the illusion that I am actually saying something important to someone out in the digital world. I'll think about it somemore.

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Persistence is Futile

Sunday, July 20, 2014 at 12:40 AM | Posted by Juwen
One of the key things that we have as human beings is the ability to persist in a task, trying all possible solutions until one achieves their goal. But having the ability to persist is really the easy part. The difficult part is the ability to know when to keep going and knowing that you are heading in sunk cost territory. This I think defines a lot of our successes or at least it is one of the major factors for those successes.

 I still have no clue when to keep trying or when to give up.

 Often times where I keep going, I end up investing more into it but ultimately it was a lost cause and got burned flat out and other times I gave up knowing that I should have kept on. This is the sort of thing that keeps me up at night. How the hell do I know when to do what? Perhaps is the paralysis of fear that is really the issue, just that it manifests itself in the form of the question on when to persist. Recently I watched Wicked on theatre and was reminded of the lion with no courage in the musical, that lion eventually made its way to the Wizard of Oz story. I think that is me. This too keeps me up at night. By the way, the current cast for Wicked in Melbourne is not that great. This too keeps me up at night.

 We all persist up to a point, there is no changing that. I just don't know where that point is and the consequences are personality-changing.

 I smell like curry...

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I ♥ NY

Wednesday, July 9, 2014 at 11:27 PM | Posted by Juwen
There has been this page on Facebook that a lot of friends share or like the posts on that page. That page is called Humans of New York. The idea is kind of the style of The Sartorialist but with a story that comes with the person in the frame. Each one of them has a unique story in their own lives and it is pretty compelling. Even without hearing them give their story you can almost imagine what that would sound like. Each of their stories range from the hilarious to the inspirational to sometimes the grey areas in life. I suspect that most of my friends who share these posts tend to be one the inspirational side but I much prefer all the other stories that are shown in the page.

 I was just looking back at all the photos that I have taken during my trip to the States and reflecting on my trip in New York has shown me why I love that Facebook page. Looking back at the conversations that I have with strangers while I was out (mostly) looking for food and drinks, each one of them has a story to tell. I remember clearly that while I was at a bar that a friend urged me to go because it was a particularly unique way to get into the bar, I just randomly talked to this dapper looking old man just having orange juice. In a really must-be-in-the-know kind of cocktail bar which strikes me as odd. Later I found out that he is a photographer and contributer to the New York Times and has written a few books. He told me that he has been sober for over 10 years but he still likes going to bars because of the atmosphere but of course he never orders any alcohol. He then gave me a crash course in all things Manhattan and some of his travels for stories or ideas for books that he would like to write and some local history in journalism in New York. We talked for hours and was a very interesting person. I remember that I got back to the apartment that I was staying in at around 3 am and the bar was literally next door from the apartment. I also kinda fixed his computer at the bar as well which was not bad considering that I was half tipsy. Another fun fact about this guy which I thought was somewhat amazing was that he was still using an AOL email account as his main point of contact. Wow.

 And this is just one of the people that I ended up striking conversations with while at this amazing city. Though I was there for a week I didn't get to fill all of the days with encounters like these but even just one is an experience already. But each one of them has a unique story about them that is just great to listen to them. And this Facebook page was definitely a reflection of what I experienced while I was there. On hindsight, had I went with someone or a group of people to New York, chances are that I won't be able to experience this part of New York, the locals living life in this great city. I (or rather, we) would have been so busy trying to explore the geographical parts of the city and the must have experiences in and around the island that we would have missed this entirely different side of the city, the people.

 The ironic thing about some of these amazing encounters with strangers there is that I am more honest in front of them that I do with most of my friends. I guess it is because that I know that it is unlikely that I will meet them again and whatever secrets or things I tell them is not likely to come back to me in one way or another. Maybe bars are the place is the right atmosphere to be completely transparent and not be judged. So many movies depict this and I can see why this is such a cliche but that is just because it is true. Conversations late at night at the bar, laughing and listening, though usually it is always a guy and a girl and somehow eventually makes out or something ridiculous like that. Much to the disappointment of my readers, that sort of thing did not happen while I was there. Because I am such a square and I am not that interesting of a person. Point being is that moderate amounts of alcohol does things to you apart from the physiological effects of alcohol, social interaction becomes very different in a non-drunk way.

 I wonder if there is that kind of character in the people of Melbourne. As in, if there is a Humans of Melbourne Facebook page, would the stories and the people be as captivating and unique as the New York page? I suspect not, we are probably too much of a hipster bunch. Still, I would like to see someone try.

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Back To Reality

Monday, July 7, 2014 at 11:34 PM | Posted by Juwen
Settling back to routine after a one month crazy holiday feels a bit weird. It is like you are neither here nor there. For the last two weeks at work, I am constantly frustrated at how unproductive I am at work. In fact, I think that I am counter productive at work. All I have been doing is continuous integration work and not really much coding, much to the dismay of my already rusty coding skills.

 Not only that I am counter productive at work, but I've become a terrible procrastinator as well. Last Saturday, I spent the whole day in my room and only venturing out for water and the bathroom. And all I did was sleep, read some stuff, play some games and rinse and repeat. By the end of the day, I was already sick of myself. Just to rub a little more salt on the procrastinating wound, when I went to church the next day and caught up with a friend that I haven't seen in awhile, she told me that she's basically got a million and one things to do and by the time that she was ready to go to church she had already smashed a lot of things down. On the plus side, there was a "the grass is greener on the other side" look on the both of us which I think was pretty funny.

 But the thing that is slowly dawning upon me is that while settling back to the normal routine of work and all, settling back on dealing with my personal issues is much harder. Think of it as the one month escapist answer to the problems. Of course I didn't really think that my problems will be gone if I just leave it all behind while I go galavanting around in another continent. But I effectively thought it will be gone. Coming back and seeing all the pieces on the floor just the way I left them is a little disheartening and frankly don't really know what to do with them. I probably had more of an idea on how to handle it before I left and now I just don't know what to do. At times like these, I wish the "git reset --hard" command would work now, which by the way is an immensely useful tool at work.

 I just feel so stupid for all my actions.

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