As you can probably tell, I've read it. And I have to say that I finally get why you loved that darn book and her so much. Even more so through the lens of hindsight. I'd say that apart from physical characteristics and a few details, I'm even inclined to say that it is really a story about you except in an alternate universe.
I can even see myself in a few of the characters, and I'm sure that you would already know who they are. Everything including my flaws are in scattered throughout all the characters, like I am really seeing myself through the looking glass.
Lots of emotions were brought forth. Emotions that I am glad to be reminded of. But there are also plenty of them that I would like not to be reminded of. As a whole, she provided a lot of empathy to me, at least up to a certain point in her life.
For the time being, she has given me something for the road ahead of me though gloomy, lifeless and void of any comforting presence as it is already. There is scope for imagination. And perhaps that is what I need to be able to entertain the idea of it being thrusted upon me, or maybe achieved, as Mrs. Lavendar would have put it. What happened to her in the end is not for me as yet and is subject for a distant time and place, if Providence were to allow the course of history to flow through it.
Gathering Thoughts
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
at
1:02 AM
And just like that, the year is almost come to an end. It has been an interesting year, full of ups and downs but most important of all is that there were a lot of things that I have learned as well. Lots of opportunities came and went, all in God's providence to teach me along the way, to continue to trust in Him. Church has been the main source of the lessons, being challenged from God's word, has changed a lot especially when it comes to prayer. I think I'll write about it more as I continue to reflect on the rest of the year. More importantly, after another crazy week at work this week.
***
If I am reading the signs right, it may be the right time for me to slowly start looking for a new place to stay. It is about time.
***
If I am reading the signs right, it may be the right time for me to slowly start looking for a new place to stay. It is about time.
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Post Mortem
Monday, November 18, 2013
at
8:39 AM
I've had coffee with two friends after a seriously hard week, both of them getting ready to go into the next phases of their lives. Watching them talk about their respective journeys was interesting but also made me think about my own. Where am I going and what am I getting myself into, I have no idea. Hearing their conversation, it is pretty evident what those questions look like and I'm sure that they too have their fare share of uncertainty as well. But there is a natural progression to these things and it is good to have them.
It was then that I started to become really emotional. I don't think I showed it, but I definitely felt it. You know, the usual the grass is greener on the other side kind of deal. But I think it is more than that. I want to experience what they are going through. I know that it is tough, there is no doubt about that, but I still want in. It may be that God will grant me the experience later or that it shall be my cross to carry and to give my life to mentorship. But right now the feeling I get is that is to take a good look at them because that kind of life is not for me. And this saddens me greatly. For now.
I still share with them in their joy for being granted to go through their new phases in their lives. And there is a place for being happy/content with where you are now yet at the same time longing to be something or someone. Those are the two states that I am in now in this phase of my life. And it is a very hard to hold these two things in tension without slipping into something worse.
***
I think general morale in the company is low and I say it is the result of the growing pains that we are having. I think that to those who persevere through these times will see good sweet light at the end of the tunnel. How many of those who persevere on is another question.
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גם זה יעבור
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
at
11:33 PM
The long weekend was a lot of fun and it was also a chance that for me to think a lot. For the past weekend as well as Monday and Tuesday, I have been spending a lot of time with a small group of friends, heading for road trips and just generally hanging out. It was also a time for me to prepare myself that all of this is momentary. That soon, very soon I'd wager, that all of this shall cease. I am merely trying to milk it for as much enjoyment and to learn as much as possible.
It won't be long before they will continue on with the next stage in life and that they will find new friends or rather be closer friends with people of similiar status and I will fade away from their memory. This has already happened before and have been severely affected by that. So to minimise the damage this time round, I will treat it like the fact that all of this, the fun times and doing life together, is something that will end soon. To get as much out of the experience as possible, ready to pack my bags and find another group of friends that I can share my past experiences with them and to gather new ones.
I guess you can say that the wandering spirit has started to settle in me and the desire to move becomes ever more stronger. The desire to move to different areas from all aspects of life, starting from the place of receiving spiritual nourishment all the way to the physical location. Wherever the Lord leads I will follow.
Interestingly enough, last Sunday's sermon spoke of almost exactly the thing that I needed assurance of. That was the start of a new series my church is starting which is on promises, specifically the promises that God has made for his people. It started with the promise that God will provide. It as though God was reassuring me that He will provide my needs despite the many "why"s that I have. One of the key points of the sermon was to be thankful for the things that I have received and I am thankful for these friendships. And when the road splits and I continue down the path that I am now while friends go on with their lives down another path, I am thankful for them.
I will just need to be prepared for when that day comes, not to be too tied down and to learn to let go.
Interestingly enough, last Sunday's sermon spoke of almost exactly the thing that I needed assurance of. That was the start of a new series my church is starting which is on promises, specifically the promises that God has made for his people. It started with the promise that God will provide. It as though God was reassuring me that He will provide my needs despite the many "why"s that I have. One of the key points of the sermon was to be thankful for the things that I have received and I am thankful for these friendships. And when the road splits and I continue down the path that I am now while friends go on with their lives down another path, I am thankful for them.
I will just need to be prepared for when that day comes, not to be too tied down and to learn to let go.
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Sovereignty
Sunday, October 6, 2013
at
10:15 PM
A friend posted a tweet this morning with a link to Shane and Shane's song Though You Slay Me. Little did I know that the content of this song fits in very well with today's sermon. It also fits in with my own struggles, it's a song that preaches to me that every suffering is meaningful. All of this was I guess God letting me know that he is in control of all things, sovereign. Which happens to be the topic of the sermon or rather part thereof.
Shane and Shane have written, I think, some of the most honest Christian songs I can think of. Sure the songs that we sing week in week out are full of Scripture that remind us of the love of Christ and how great a cost that he died for us and so on and so forth. But few songs have come to describe our humanly struggles in a way that connects with us in this day and age or even our hypocrisy as part of God's church as well as Shane and Shane do (Casting Crowns comes close though). Songs like the one above, below or even the one below that are not meant to be sung in church but to be listened like how one listens to a sermon.
Shane and Shane have written, I think, some of the most honest Christian songs I can think of. Sure the songs that we sing week in week out are full of Scripture that remind us of the love of Christ and how great a cost that he died for us and so on and so forth. But few songs have come to describe our humanly struggles in a way that connects with us in this day and age or even our hypocrisy as part of God's church as well as Shane and Shane do (Casting Crowns comes close though). Songs like the one above, below or even the one below that are not meant to be sung in church but to be listened like how one listens to a sermon.
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R U OK?
Sunday, September 15, 2013
at
11:20 PM
TL;DR
No, I am not.
***
September 12 was supposed to be day where there is a heightened sense of awareness about depression and a somewhat large campaign was mobilised to get people talking about it. And September 13 was apparently programmer day but that is another story altogether.
While as far as I am aware of my current mental state and that I do not fall in the category of clinical depression, the question that was posed during September 12 was something worth pondering about. And what I find is that the answer to that question, at least over the past few years, has been a steadily and increasingly been...no.
I struggle with a lot of things, things in the past, regrets of the even further past coming back to haunt me again. And I am really struggling. I drop in and out of being an OK person and a mild state of depression where I want to avoid a large group of people. Which makes it even harder considering that most of the people that I am trying to avoid are people that I used to be able to see them eye-to-eye, laugh and joke and talk pretty much everything under the sun. Now it takes so much mental effort just to be in a public space with them in it.
I am reminded of my own personal studies on 2 Corinthians recently and the line "My grace is sufficient for you" is something that I holding on fast to because there is nothing else that I can hold on to. Even though Paul was going through physical suffering when he penned those lines, I'm sure the same thing goes for someone going through emotional suffering. Someone who is still looking for answers or waiting on an answer.
I will wait upon the Lord.
***
I can't say that I was not a little angry/annoyed when I heard this on the way back home today. There was a context and somewhere in that context the question came up to "How do you deal with being single and all?". Now perhaps I am reading to much into it but when I heard that, the default expectation was that everyone should be attached or at least recently attached and someone has to think twice about being single especially when said person is approaching the big three-oh. There was a little irony in the context of the story but that shall be another story.
Until now, I have yet to be a part of a community of Christians that holds true equal regard and support to people who are relationships and those who are not. The default position is we need to hook up this person with someone else if someone isn't already attached. That or we just do the following, "Interested in anyone?" "No." "Oh. That's cool". Given the recent sermon at church today, it seems that we are far from holding these two groups of people with equal regard.
Some people are struggling with issues of singleness and our response is like parents consoling kids who got a D in an exam, that it is not the grade that you expect them to get but hey, at least you didn't fail. Or worse, give some kind of divine-laced answer of there are plenty of fish in the sea and you are bound to catch one. Nice idea but still wrong.
It would somewhat cool if I did burst out in outrage but I didn't. I'd still like to give the benefit of the doubt that it was totally not intended. But whether or not it was intended at that point in time or not, I'd say it is still very evident in how people look at singleness today. And I am very very annoyed at that.
No, I am not.
***
September 12 was supposed to be day where there is a heightened sense of awareness about depression and a somewhat large campaign was mobilised to get people talking about it. And September 13 was apparently programmer day but that is another story altogether.
While as far as I am aware of my current mental state and that I do not fall in the category of clinical depression, the question that was posed during September 12 was something worth pondering about. And what I find is that the answer to that question, at least over the past few years, has been a steadily and increasingly been...no.
I struggle with a lot of things, things in the past, regrets of the even further past coming back to haunt me again. And I am really struggling. I drop in and out of being an OK person and a mild state of depression where I want to avoid a large group of people. Which makes it even harder considering that most of the people that I am trying to avoid are people that I used to be able to see them eye-to-eye, laugh and joke and talk pretty much everything under the sun. Now it takes so much mental effort just to be in a public space with them in it.
I am reminded of my own personal studies on 2 Corinthians recently and the line "My grace is sufficient for you" is something that I holding on fast to because there is nothing else that I can hold on to. Even though Paul was going through physical suffering when he penned those lines, I'm sure the same thing goes for someone going through emotional suffering. Someone who is still looking for answers or waiting on an answer.
I will wait upon the Lord.
***
I can't say that I was not a little angry/annoyed when I heard this on the way back home today. There was a context and somewhere in that context the question came up to "How do you deal with being single and all?". Now perhaps I am reading to much into it but when I heard that, the default expectation was that everyone should be attached or at least recently attached and someone has to think twice about being single especially when said person is approaching the big three-oh. There was a little irony in the context of the story but that shall be another story.
Until now, I have yet to be a part of a community of Christians that holds true equal regard and support to people who are relationships and those who are not. The default position is we need to hook up this person with someone else if someone isn't already attached. That or we just do the following, "Interested in anyone?" "No." "Oh. That's cool". Given the recent sermon at church today, it seems that we are far from holding these two groups of people with equal regard.
Some people are struggling with issues of singleness and our response is like parents consoling kids who got a D in an exam, that it is not the grade that you expect them to get but hey, at least you didn't fail. Or worse, give some kind of divine-laced answer of there are plenty of fish in the sea and you are bound to catch one. Nice idea but still wrong.
It would somewhat cool if I did burst out in outrage but I didn't. I'd still like to give the benefit of the doubt that it was totally not intended. But whether or not it was intended at that point in time or not, I'd say it is still very evident in how people look at singleness today. And I am very very annoyed at that.
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Anchor
Saturday, September 7, 2013
at
12:38 AM
This is the yardstick for all bass players. To hold the groove, tight timing and just small variances around a central bass line. With the exception of a few sections in the song, the bassist plays the same progression, with a few sprinkles thrown in for good measure, but he played it like his life depended on it. And now, it's hard to imagine the song without the bass part. I still can't play that well and it is good to strive for such a goal.
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