Post Mortem

Monday, November 18, 2013 at 8:39 AM | Posted by Juwen
I've had coffee with two friends after a seriously hard week, both of them getting ready to go into the next phases of their lives. Watching them talk about their respective journeys was interesting but also made me think about my own. Where am I going and what am I getting myself into, I have no idea. Hearing their conversation, it is pretty evident what those questions look like and I'm sure that they too have their fare share of uncertainty as well. But there is a natural progression to these things and it is good to have them. 

It was then that I started to become really emotional. I don't think I showed it, but I definitely felt it. You know, the usual the grass is greener on the other side kind of deal. But I think it is more than that. I want to experience what they are going through. I know that it is tough, there is no doubt about that, but I still want in. It may be that God will grant me the experience later or that it shall be my cross to carry and to give my life to mentorship. But right now the feeling I get is that is to take a good look at them because that kind of life is not for me. And this saddens me greatly. For now.

I still share with them in their joy for being granted to go through their new phases in their lives. And there is a place for being happy/content with where you are now yet at the same time longing to be something or someone. Those are the two states that I am in now in this phase of my life. And it is a very hard to hold these two things in tension without slipping into something worse.

***

I think general morale in the company is low and I say it is the result of the growing pains that we are having. I think that to those who persevere through these times will see good sweet light at the end of the tunnel. How many of those who persevere on is another question.

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גם זה יעבור

Tuesday, November 5, 2013 at 11:33 PM | Posted by Juwen
The long weekend was a lot of fun and it was also a chance that for me to think a lot. For the past weekend as well as Monday and Tuesday, I have been spending a lot of time with a small group of friends, heading for road trips and just generally hanging out. It was also a time for me to prepare myself that all of this is momentary. That soon, very soon I'd wager, that all of this shall cease. I am merely trying to milk it for as much enjoyment and to learn as much as possible.

It won't be long before they will continue on with the next stage in life and that they will find new friends or rather be closer friends with people of similiar status and I will fade away from their memory. This has already happened before and have been severely affected by that. So to minimise the damage this time round, I will treat it like the fact that all of this, the fun times and doing life together, is something that will end soon. To get as much out of the experience as possible, ready to pack my bags and find another group of friends that I can share my past experiences with them and to gather new ones.

I guess you can say that the wandering spirit has started to settle in me and the desire to move becomes ever more stronger. The desire to move to different areas from all aspects of life, starting from the place of receiving spiritual nourishment all the way to the physical location. Wherever the Lord leads I will follow.

 Interestingly enough, last Sunday's sermon spoke of almost exactly the thing that I needed assurance of. That was the start of a new series my church is starting which is on promises, specifically the promises that God has made for his people. It started with the promise that God will provide. It as though God was reassuring me that He will provide my needs despite the many "why"s that I have. One of the key points of the sermon was to be thankful for the things that I have received and I am thankful for these friendships. And when the road splits and I continue down the path that I am now while friends go on with their lives down another path, I am thankful for them.

 I will just need to be prepared for when that day comes, not to be too tied down and to learn to let go.

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