The cartoon geek in me just squealed like a little schoolgirl.
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There's a difference between wishing and wanting and I realise I do more of the former. A lot more. Even some of my wantings are in actual fact wishes. Wishing is when you want something but are reluctant to put in the work but still get it, either instantaneously or some time in the future. Wanting however has a certain drive that pushes you to obtaining it and you know that sometimes it is not going to come cheap.
I look at things and people pass by and I say to myself "I want to have that" but I think what I really meant by saying that was "I wish I had that". And then I just leave while that want decay into a wish which decay into nothingness in a span of half an hour at best. That might explain why I have so little things (besides the fact that I have lived in tiny rooms for most of my life here in Melbourne). Because my wants barely survive the next hour for me to act on it. I also do not have a reminder system set up to remind me of these wants which means I forget until the next instance comes along and the cycle continues.
This also explain why I am so bad at making decisions. By implication, to decide on something, you need to want it, not wish for it. Since I have hardly exercise my right to obtain a want, I will respond with something that reflects a person with little to no wants, "Anything/Dunno". Most of the time it is either something or nothing. There is no anything. By choosing Anything/Dunno, I gain nothing. I reckon that this single word, whether uttered in public or within the confines of my conscience, is the main cause for most of my griefs. I was talking to my mum about my parent's recent trip to Eastern Europe and she mentioned that we might do a family trip at the end of the year and she asked me where would I like to go. My head says things like Japan but what came out of my mouth is quite typical of me. Yup you guessed it, "dunno".
I think this stemmed from the view I used to subscribe when I was young, to want something is bad. Want, to me, was associated with materialism/greed/covetousness. And for so much of my life, I've devoted myself to living the pseudo-minimal life and perhaps a dash of kiasuness thrown in just for good measure. Something like a city kid but living the life of a monk which is kinda oxymoronic. It was great because I learned to not care but comes at a cost of regret. A cost that I feel a bit of a pinch at this point in time.
Someone needs to teach me to express my wants and not for me to suppress my wishes. Otherwise it might be the death of me. Death by boredom, mundanity and/or loneliness.
Sovereign, Sufficient, Personal
Monday, June 4, 2012
at
2:30 AM
There are two things that have been constantly reminding me over the past few weeks
- God is sovereign
- His grace is sufficient
May it continue to remind me not just now.
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Melancholy is a great space to explore occasionally. You should give it a try some time. I've never really understood how melancholy can be beneficial as stated in a friend's post I've read ages ago (Can't find the link. Argh!). After having experienced enough melancholic trips, I finally begin to understand why melancholy shouldn't be viewed as a bad thing. There is a line to not cross, you need have restraint and control to not go there. Disclaimer: the state of melancholy is not the same state as depression. It does however have some overlap with emotional downs.
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I think sometimes we forget that God is a personal God. We have this head knowledge of a personal God but we sometimes just leave it at that, just a mental exercise. Two sermons from today reminded and challenged me to not leave it at that.
One was from Habakkuk. A man who complained to God about the lack of justice in his surroundings and God's solution to that problem. God answered him both times and he continued to praise God despite the fact that a godless nation is about to hit Judah hard. A bit like Job with a slightly different problem. When reading Habakkuk it seems like God answered him in an instant but it is an unspecified period of time between Habakkuk's complaints and God's answers. I once heard at another sermon that God answers prayers at a time when we are ready to listen after we have poured out our problems and not before. It can be immediate or a very long time. This sounds like a very personal God to me. Think about the many times you have expressed your frustrations, anger etc. to people. The good and wise person will be silent, wait it out before speaking. Because, they are listening to what you say and what you mean (sometimes the two are not the same) and then speak based on that with wisdom and time it right. If we subscribe to the idea that God is a good and personal God, then we have to give up the idea of immediate answers from God in exchange with wise, timely and correct answers that you may have to wait for it. Because you may not be in the right frame of mind when answers come immediately. That can spell all sorts of trouble for the one receiving it.
The other was from John where Jesus turned the water into wine. Commentators suggest that the reason why Jesus was invited to the wedding was that it was customary for significant political/religious leaders to be invited to the wedding. A bit hard to call him a significant leader after spending 40 days in the wilderness after he was baptised and three days later upon returning from the wilderness has a grand total of 5 followers. An alternative that was suggested that he was invited because people actually liked him (or in the pastor's words: a cool dude that people want him be at their party) and not just a religious leader (yet). I find this interesting because I think we forget that Jesus was human just like any one of us and I'm sure he gets invites to any event, just like we do. If we understand that Jesus understands our struggles, we should also understand that Jesus would have everyday normal human experiences, like being invited to parties. Note that this is not a suggestion to call Jesus "the cool dude" or "my bro" or "BFF" in the most irreverent way but a reminder that Jesus is not some sterile person during his lifetime and ministry. I'm sure he did share a laugh with people at some point in time. Once we understand this, coming to God personally with our burdens (and joys) becomes easier because Jesus has gone through human experiences. All of them. And yet without sin. Think about it. He can share a joke and not sin. We find it hard at times to do that with some of the crude jokes floating around in everyday life that we laugh at. We don't take this seriously but when it comes to our hardships, suddenly we can say Jesus understands my struggles. God is not just about the struggles but also the good times as well and vice versa.
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