I recently had a conversation with a friend who went on a trip to the other end of the earth. So as these things normally go, you ask how is it. One thing led to another before long we were talking about things that have nothing to do with the trip. In fact, there was very little talk about the actual trip at all. Things like self-discovery, aging, the troubles and inconveniences of life started popping in. I know it sounds pretty depressing but that got me thinking about me.
Friends like the one I talked to and many others have done something that until this day I haven't done at all, traveled alone (or with one other friend) to a fairly far away place. And all of them have done so at a relatively early age. As with people who have done extensive traveling (even just once) will tell you all the wonderful stories and superlative-laced descriptions of places they have been and experiences. Normally I'd just be happy listening in, absorbing all the tales that needs to be told and just be in wonder on what it is like to be in their shoes when they were there. But something turned when my friend implored me to do the same and that I can still do it. I am "still young" apparently.
Coming from a person who is about my sister age, my first response was you have absolutely no idea what you are talking about or what it means to be "still young". Heck, for a split second, I don't know whether to feel insulted by that statement. But of course my secondary higher-level cognition kicked in and realized that my problem is not with me getting older but the lack of throwing myself out there and see what happens. Perhaps it is shaped by the circumstances I've been placed in (and possibly reinforce whatever insecurities about it) that I don't dream about wandering off to exotic places. That I don't want to decide to travel. Sure I've been to some pretty cool places but not one of them was a result of my desire. After further examination, it pretty much boils down to a couple of factors.
One, money. Coming to Australia from Malaysia, money is pretty big deal for me (and of course my family). Traveling requires it, I don't have it. We have a problem. So it is in my first response to keep whatever money I have, whether earned or received from the FaMa (Father-Mother) Scholarship. So of course whatever desires of traveling to far away lands are inhibited and suppressed down to wandering through the interwebs for cats and other weird things. Two, personal priorities. You'd think money would be a priority but actually it isn't, at least for me. Money was never really a big priority. Stability, however, is. Once everything is settled only then will I have the surplus to travel. Needless to say, I've never really felt it, even now. Many of my plans towards stability have been redrawn as time goes by and when that happens something's gotta give. More suppression ensues.
Looking deeper into this complex personality, I don't just do this on the issue of travel. As I have stated countless times, I overthink things. As a result, I plan a lot especially when it is towards some base level of comfort. Only when I've hit that base level will I move on to other things. Because so much of my time has been "devoted" to planning, desires get suppressed and failure to act spontaneously is eminent. I don't want things, routine is a friend. A robot. There are times where I envy friends like I've mentioned, most of them have in one way or another would throw themselves out of the fish bowl every now and then to see what it's like out there. I, on the other hand, have probably spent years telling myself to stay put because you just might not know what will happen next (read: glass half-empty). Because of that, staying in my shell is preventing me from doing a lot of things that some of my friends have suggested/urged me to do. And not just about traveling.
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I sometimes hate sitcoms especially when the main actress is sooo pretty. And of course she gets together with the super charming actor. Like Outsourced. Still funny as heck though. Meh.
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