Where is the line that divides between humility and false humility? Until recently, I've no clue as to where you'd draw such a line or if such a line ever existed. For example, I've a friend whom I've always blasted, whether verbally or mentally for being excessively "humble". This friend has always done well in anything and everything this person has done, as far as I know. This person has had little confidence in being able to perform despite the common knowledge/evidence that everyone holds about this person. Now being the rather naive person that I was back then (still am now, in my opinion) I offered wagers in order to bring some kind of "solace" knowing very well, with 99% certainty, that I will lose that wager. Which indeed I did. Which makes me very annoyed about the whole thing. I mean, we all like to stay away from arrogance but I would think that I would equally stay away from being excessively humble. The reason for this excessive humility was grace, that it was graciously bestowed upon my friend. In my head, grace does not equal excessive humility or belittlement. And that made me even more annoyed.
Now, I've been getting the feeling that I'm now in my friend's shoes (several years later). I have no confidence in some of the things that I do, in which some people have praised. Every time I set out to do something, I will lament about how bad things are going to get and that it will be a total disaster and all that rubbish. And when my friends finally see the fruits of the labour, they questioned why on earth was I so hard on myself. And I'm pretty sure that at some point they got a tad bit annoyed at my behaviour. The only difference between now and back then with my friend is that no one has offered wagers to me. Perhaps I'm not worth the loss. But that's not important. The other difference, and this is the difference that I think matters most, is the reason for my excessive belittlement. It is not grace. It's something else, I don't know what but it is something other than grace. Obviously, I've yet to comprehend the full weight of the meaning of grace which is rather sad actually. Grace that I've taken for granted in so many ways and yet I'm still standing here, still doing the things that I have absolutely no confidence in but for some reason, occasionally, deliver something of substance.
So, had I understood grace and told my friends that that was the reason for the excessive humility, would everything be better? It probably would, unlike how I reacted many years ago. Whatever the projected outcome be had I understood, the point being is that someone played the "so is your face!" card and I'm learning heavily from counter.
I know it's rather strange posting this at 5 in the morning with another 3 hours before I head off to church, but it's something that has been bugging me for awhile now. I like night time. It's the time where you have the chance to wrestle with yourself, with God, in the hopes that you learn something before you learn it under very different and possibly hostile circumstances.
There are only a few such people where I've had this sort of conversation in my head. Guess I'll never know if the feeling was mutual. Brilliant stuff I must say.
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