So I've managed to install some games from the Orange Box that I bought quite some time ago and I started out with Portal. It is a very short FPS but it was funny yet disturbing at the same time. I love the voice casting in the game while, although there isn't many, provide so much fun to the game with the occasional dark humor inserted here and there. I'm usually quite bad at FPS games but I manage to finish the game in about 4 hours. I'd play the game again just for the dark humor and contemplating how disturbing the game can be. Oh and the ending song is quite cute and disturbing-ish, so much so that I managed to figure out most of the melody when I picked up my bass in about 5 minutes. Aperture Science Weighted Companion Cube ftw!
I moved on to Half Life 2 and so far the story line has just been as engaging as the first Half Life game. And the game feels pretty long. After about 4 hours of play I still feel like I barely moved at all though I have progressed a few chapters already. I'm still waiting to get my hands on the fabled gravity gun and that should be a barrel load of fun. Gordon Freeman, the main character you play in the Half Life games is seriously extremely unlucky. He seems to get into a number of "accidents" that just screws up everything. Quite sad this guy but that was the selling point of the first Half Life game and I guess still is.
On more serious notes, I realize that the more people I talk to about some of my problems the more I feel like the "right" decision is to leave OCF in search for other places to serve. Despite them trying to tell me otherwise, some how it ends up with me feeling like that is the right decision. The dilemma is now that I have to discern between what I think normally happens in situations like this, which is that I pre-conceive my solutions and everything I say or justify is skewed in that direction (in a sense, I've already made up my mind and really not open to what other people say) or that it really is the right decision for my life. In either case, I still need to make sure of my choice which I would say will take me more time. I might come up with a time limit of sorts just to help me make that decision. While some might say that I putting God in a box, I would think that at some point you'd have to take action and God already knows about it. If God decides that I should stay or something to that effect, circumstances change to enable me to stay and works the same for the contrary.
I'm beginning to despise people talking about "grown-up" stuff like cars, houses, taxes, boyfriends/girlfriends/husbands/wives, work and so on. Every time. It only serves to aggravate my apparent problems. While it is a fact of life that people move on as they age, but it is starting to feel that you belong to an elite group of people and that you are part of the "club" when you are in the position of talking about these things. So what about people like me who are neither here nor there?
Maybe it is a sign that I should be an academic. I'd rather talk about sciency/maths-y stuff than the above. I had a good chat about some math/science/engineering problems while working on the probabilistic modeling project and that is enough to get me going for the rest of the week. Heck, I'd do them all pro bono if I can escape from speaking of "grown-up" stuff. Seriously, they suck.
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I don't have cars or houses or girlfriend, I guess I fit into your "neither here nor there" category. But it does not stop me from talking with others about it. More than half of my older mates in OCF either have a car or are in a boy-girl relationship. So what? Does not pressure me to get one, does not stop me from talking to them about these things.
On the "more serious" issue, pardon my bad memory, what are "some of my problems" that influence your decision making to leave?
I recently read this article about 'leaving church' (what a coincidence, since we are on this issue). Pardon me if I mis-summarised the article (the article's much more helpful), it talks about why we meet up regularly (at Christian meetings/church) etc. etc. Then it goes on to suggest 5 reasons for leaving our current church/group. (If I remember correctly, some reasons include bad teachings, bad leadership etc.) But, at the same time, it strongly suggests that, apart from these 5 (good) reasons, one should really think hard about leaving (in other words, author discourages people from leaving for reasons other than the 5). Very helpful article, written by a reliable author, published by a helpful Christian magazine. Happy to pass you an electronic copy (within copyright limit).
I think, like you, I am at the stage of:
(1) Being in a generation higher than many OCFers who are students/younger (ie. going into workforce)
(2) It's been a while since someone comes to me and asks "How are you doing nowadays?" (Unlike my early years in OCF.)
I am tempted to grumble, complain, even leave this group.
But, I think, it's high time I start thinking about how I could selflessly serve the God/others/Gospel cause in OCF. (Just imitating people like Neil, EY, Melvin... these people could have asked "since when has any of the OCFers cared for me?" "I'm much older than many of them, it's just so hard to connect with them..." "why isn't there a pastor union/'senior Christian group' to cater for my welfare?"
But these dinosaurs are still offering their service in OCF. Something I could learn from.
I think you are completely missing the point on that matter. It is not that I "desire" having houses, cars or a girlfriend/wife but because of the exclusive nature of the topic. It serves as a polarizing topic to divide those who have and those who haven't. Don't have, cannot talk much. You know it's true. And besides, I don't think you are in my "camp" so I don't think that you have any "authority" having a say like this.
The blog is open. Go find it yourself and jog your memory.
Also, I think you are confusing between leaving ministries and leaving church. One does not imply the other. Otherwise, if leaving ministries was something that is treated like someone leaving church, then I think a lot of church missionaries and leaders have a lot to justify for moving to different area of ministries.
No one said anything about leaving church and that includes me. All I am saying is that I am thinking of leaving the OCF ministry, not Lygon Church. They are not the same. Part of my reason is that I do not suit the current demographics and as well that the younger generation should be taking over some of the roles in OCF, rather than dinosaurs like myself. If you think that this is not a good reason, I suggest you pick your fights with some of the older OCFers who do not come to OCF before coming to me.
Contrary to what you may believe about yourself and I, at present I don't think that we are the same. Sure we are the same generation of OCFers and that most of the rest are the younger ones. Also, I still do get the "How are you doing?"s on a fairly regular basis but that is not what I want. I want something more than just those 5 little words. Most of the "How are you?"s end there and the cycle repeats itself till no end despite my effort to engage more.
And again, as I have said many times to you before on this blog, the answer is not just to keep giving with nothing in return. Despite of what you may think that it is a very noble thing to do, there are more conditions to it than just plain give-and-I-don't-care. Serving in the Christian body actually implies a two way action. I serve you and sometimes I will be served by someone else. I don't expect it everytime I do something for someone else nor desire or demand it.
And in fact, I don't ask for much from others. All I want is for people to not treat me like an acquaintance. There is no point in giving but yet feel empty or void of human, Christian relationships. That, is the heart of my problem.
I am and want to care for others just like the few examples you have mentioned earlier. I don't demand that my welfare is attended to by a pastor or related. I just want to feel included. Serving others alone with no feedback or reinforcement doesn't seem to give that to me.
Just to make sure that we're clear on this in any outcome including the event that I leave OCF: I'm not giving up on people. I'm just restarting.
eh..chill chill..
Pardon my misunderstanding. Thanks Juwen for clarifying.