Double post!!
One of the friends on Facebook posted a very long status update about the anniversary of the death of her dad. It was a very well written and well said post about how her dad has been a great inspiration and solid rock in my friend's life right up to the point when he passed away. My friend also has mentioned that she wanted to carry out something that her dad has wished that he could do while he was still alive, in memory of him. That is the unshakable bond that they have between the both of them and it is a very powerful imagery of parent-child relationship. It was very moving indeed.
This is the kind of relationship that I want to have and experience with my (imaginary) children. If I had daughters, I would totally trade everything to be able to have this with them (if I had sons, this would also be true but manifested in a different way). I see this in the lives of my other friends who have had daughters and the relationship that they have, and it is something that I would like to have. My friend's dad appears to be a total geek, caring and creative and that had had its influence to my friend growing up. Basically he is her world.
It's very sad that we need more people to be like my friend's dad, to be a foundation to a child, to teach them about the things that really matter in this world and not to be fooled by the stresses of the world. The real bummer is to see their lives cut short due to the ever present tragedies in this world. And you know part of me wants to be that person, to step up to the role (this may or may not be related to the fact that I want everyone to be taught math properly).
But as the years go by, it is becoming clear that this might never be my calling, to learn the joys and pains of parenthood. Which to me is a total bummer, though I doubt that I would make a good father. But I guess the rest of the quarter life crisis #3 is left to figure out how can I be this kind of a person to someone else that is not of my own blood. Perhaps that is what I'm meant to do. Ask me again in 4 years time.
Once again, there is a John Mayer song for this thought line. He always has a song for every feeling.
Comics and All His Friends
at
5:04 PM
TL;DR
I should have been a comic book geek and have no friends.
***
I remember the first time that I came into contact with comics, not the usual comic strips that are on the newspapers or the occasional Sunday comic strips that are in full colour. I'm talking about those that you need to have a strong devotion to go out to the bookshop to buy the latest issue to get your fix, so to say. Those kind of comics have a serious content to it and that there is no way that all of that can fit in a comic strip or even the Sunday comics section.
My uncle was an avid comic collector of various sorts. One his most extensive comic collections was a series called Commando. This is a series of World War 2 (fictional) stories in different situations, everything from the one man commando hit team to the collective might of the army against the Nazis. That was my first contact with the world of comics. Though everything was in black and white but I was immediately intrigued by the stories that came with each and every issue. The only problem was that my uncle lived in Penang and the only time that I went to Penang was during the Chinese New Year holidays. That was one of the things that I looked forward to when I head up to Penang, to see what are the other comics that he has collected.
Comics also showed me a character that I first loved with a great passion. Back home, I try really hard to stay in a bookstore to read the Archie comic series. Those comics cost a bomb to own for a 7 year old's pocket money. Most bookstore owners don't really mind but you always feel bad about it. When I started to pick up the Archie comics, there was one person that I really stood out and love. One whose set of characteristics formed most of my attractions till today.
Her name was Betty Cooper.
The intelligent, humble, active, very able, understated, gorgeous and very blond girl-next-door Betty captivated me for a long time. Often I always wondered why on Earth Archie still tries to be a player between Betty and Veronica (with a slight inclination towards Veronica), when clearly Betty was the better choice (in my opinion). I also wondered why does Betty bother to entertain Archie's player mode between the both of them. That just angers me on occasion when reading the comics. And even today for Free Comic Book Day when I picked up an Archie comic as one of the free comics going out, I still have the same nostalgia reading them and of course why Betty is still my favourite.
Great stories and great characters in comics have always made me want to read and collect comics since the first time I was exposed to it, though my parents were quick to dismiss them as a wasteful hobby. And so I never got to do it. To think that there are so many comic fans out there and the things that they do or know about makes me think that I could have been one of those comic geeks and have zero social interaction (that is still largely true today). It also made me think what else would I have come out of the closet, so to speak, had I had the opportunity to be properly exposed to it.
Man, was the list long. Musicals, film, fictional books, TV series and the list goes on. It turns out that, with no surprise whatsoever, I live a pretty boring life. No real thing for me to say this is something that I want to do in my free time. My free time constitutes doing nothing and exploring the narrow world that is my reading list in my Feeds that has largely remained unchanged for years now. I've seen some of my friends and colleagues spend lots of time doing the things that they would love to do on the side but sadly I have no such thing to call my own. Not only have I lost feelings in my extremities (it's getting cold here) but I have also lost a lot of feeling for anything.
I have often told people that I am going through quarter life crisis #3, wondering what am I going to do now that I'm here. Lots of questions about what am I going to be and what am I going to do. And strangely enough, reading a comic, started all those questions flooding into my head. Unlike Archie, who despite his player attitude sometimes is still pretty interesting on his own, there is really nothing that I have to offer to people. If anything, I offer stories to anyone with the grace and the ears to hear. I really hope that the long one month holiday/Apple Developer Conference awesomeness might give some answers to the crisis.
Who would I be in the Archie comic universe? Jughead. I just need a hat and a dog. All in due time.
I should have been a comic book geek and have no friends.
***
I remember the first time that I came into contact with comics, not the usual comic strips that are on the newspapers or the occasional Sunday comic strips that are in full colour. I'm talking about those that you need to have a strong devotion to go out to the bookshop to buy the latest issue to get your fix, so to say. Those kind of comics have a serious content to it and that there is no way that all of that can fit in a comic strip or even the Sunday comics section.
My uncle was an avid comic collector of various sorts. One his most extensive comic collections was a series called Commando. This is a series of World War 2 (fictional) stories in different situations, everything from the one man commando hit team to the collective might of the army against the Nazis. That was my first contact with the world of comics. Though everything was in black and white but I was immediately intrigued by the stories that came with each and every issue. The only problem was that my uncle lived in Penang and the only time that I went to Penang was during the Chinese New Year holidays. That was one of the things that I looked forward to when I head up to Penang, to see what are the other comics that he has collected.
Comics also showed me a character that I first loved with a great passion. Back home, I try really hard to stay in a bookstore to read the Archie comic series. Those comics cost a bomb to own for a 7 year old's pocket money. Most bookstore owners don't really mind but you always feel bad about it. When I started to pick up the Archie comics, there was one person that I really stood out and love. One whose set of characteristics formed most of my attractions till today.
Her name was Betty Cooper.
The intelligent, humble, active, very able, understated, gorgeous and very blond girl-next-door Betty captivated me for a long time. Often I always wondered why on Earth Archie still tries to be a player between Betty and Veronica (with a slight inclination towards Veronica), when clearly Betty was the better choice (in my opinion). I also wondered why does Betty bother to entertain Archie's player mode between the both of them. That just angers me on occasion when reading the comics. And even today for Free Comic Book Day when I picked up an Archie comic as one of the free comics going out, I still have the same nostalgia reading them and of course why Betty is still my favourite.
Great stories and great characters in comics have always made me want to read and collect comics since the first time I was exposed to it, though my parents were quick to dismiss them as a wasteful hobby. And so I never got to do it. To think that there are so many comic fans out there and the things that they do or know about makes me think that I could have been one of those comic geeks and have zero social interaction (that is still largely true today). It also made me think what else would I have come out of the closet, so to speak, had I had the opportunity to be properly exposed to it.
Man, was the list long. Musicals, film, fictional books, TV series and the list goes on. It turns out that, with no surprise whatsoever, I live a pretty boring life. No real thing for me to say this is something that I want to do in my free time. My free time constitutes doing nothing and exploring the narrow world that is my reading list in my Feeds that has largely remained unchanged for years now. I've seen some of my friends and colleagues spend lots of time doing the things that they would love to do on the side but sadly I have no such thing to call my own. Not only have I lost feelings in my extremities (it's getting cold here) but I have also lost a lot of feeling for anything.
I have often told people that I am going through quarter life crisis #3, wondering what am I going to do now that I'm here. Lots of questions about what am I going to be and what am I going to do. And strangely enough, reading a comic, started all those questions flooding into my head. Unlike Archie, who despite his player attitude sometimes is still pretty interesting on his own, there is really nothing that I have to offer to people. If anything, I offer stories to anyone with the grace and the ears to hear. I really hope that the long one month holiday/Apple Developer Conference awesomeness might give some answers to the crisis.
Who would I be in the Archie comic universe? Jughead. I just need a hat and a dog. All in due time.
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Sleepless in Melbourne
Thursday, April 24, 2014
at
12:52 AM
It's one of those rapid fire blogging months. Perhaps it is the restlessness speaking.
Anyway, I had one of the most massive week with two much anticipated concerts within days of each other. It is also the first time that I went to a concert alone just because it is too good to pass up on something like this. Super fun nights enjoying great music from great musicians. Right up there in terms of one of the best weeks ever but I think that spot will be up for contention soon.
After the John Mayer concert, despite the seriously sleep deprived night before, I decided to have drinks with some friends. It didn't take long (ie. I had one drink) before I went into heavy reflection mode. This year has been shaping up as one of the biggest years ever, with already so much that has happened and half the year has not passed by yet. I consider myself extremely thankful that I am able to be involved in so many things and the things that are yet to come. Some things require me to start stepping up to take on the roles that have been presented before me while others require me to let go of things.
And yet, I find myself to be in one of the most uncertain times ever. This is even more uncertain than the time that I had to end my PhD and figure out what am I going to do. Strangely but not surprisingly, all this uncertainty isn't the real cause of my sleepless nights. Hitting the big three-oh on a year like this cause me to think that there is something that I really should be doing. Existential much? It's a strange paradox to be living in and I really do hope that there is some sort of resolution to that paradox otherwise I will go crazy.
And if that wasn't enough on my poor sleep deprived body, I also had a sense that I needed to talk to a friend about some issues that said friend is facing. Playing the self-proclaimed expert in relationships to this friend is pretty strange considering that I am totally under-qualified for the position. As I listen to myself dish out these so-called "advice" to this friend of mine, I keep thinking to myself what a load of rubbish I'm talking about. Although said friend seem to think that it's good advice. Whatever. Time will tell I suppose. Right now, I'm of the opinion that I have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about. I can't even help myself, am I right?
So another hit to the body in terms of lack of sleep but well worth the talk. And I don't regret it one bit. Even if it does mean extreme slowness and drowsiness doing work the next day
So, uh, I'm going to try and go to sleep now. Try is the strong operative word.
PS: There is further evidence that the number of people trying to set me up with others is proportional to the number of days left to being 30. My (married) colleague who is going to the conference that I will be going to in June is offering to be my wingwoman for the whole trip. Stahp.
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2^8
Monday, April 21, 2014
at
12:00 AM
Fun fact. This marks the 256th post on this site, which means that you are going to need more than one byte to store the number of posts that are on this site.
I had a conversation with some friends today with one friend saying to another that I go to a super funky church, full of good looking pastors and leaders who are bordering hipster and perhaps slightly metro (is that still a word these days?). I had to think about it for awhile and I have to say that it is kinda true. I always thought that the real motto for my church was The Checked Shirt Church (yes, there is an affinity for checked shirts in my church. It has also slightly rubbed off on me as well). I think that that was a hashtag before.
But jokes aside, looking back at since I have joined this church, it is hard not to be moved by what is going on in the church. Lives transformed, a real thirst for wanting to know Jesus more. Just these 2 weeks leading up to Easter, we found out that the father of the main pastor of the church is going to be baptised. The pastor then explained the extraordinary story of how his dad came to know Jesus after years of putting him off. On Saturday, we've had our church baptism at the beach just at Port Melbourne beach and it is really something to see the main pastor together with his brother (who also came to know Jesus through the pastor and was also baptised by him) baptising their dad. They came out of a broken family but were made new again in Christ. Despite me not knowing the pastor, his brother or their dad personally, it is hard not to shed a tear seeing this scene.
A little closer to home would be that one of our small group members was also baptised that day. Seeing him move from when he first came to the group as one who did not know Christ and him asking lots of questions about Christianity, coming to faith and being baptised is just amazing. His testimony that was on the next day in church was truly astounding. I've had the pleasure of seeing two of our regulars come to know Christ and baptised and it is a joy for not only them but myself as well.
Having "good looking pastors and leaders" and "funky music" means absolutely nothing without a deep unwavering understanding of God's story and ultimately the man, message and mission of Jesus. That I believe is rooted at the very core of the church team and perhaps even their members. And also good looking (I, of course, am an outlier.).
I'll close with one of the songs that was played at the church baptism. It's not quite the same arrangement but if you can imagine it in a more folky style, you are pretty much there.
PS: Losing my appetite lately. According to the 2 year cycle, it has arrived right on schedule. Next up, more sleepless nights.
I had a conversation with some friends today with one friend saying to another that I go to a super funky church, full of good looking pastors and leaders who are bordering hipster and perhaps slightly metro (is that still a word these days?). I had to think about it for awhile and I have to say that it is kinda true. I always thought that the real motto for my church was The Checked Shirt Church (yes, there is an affinity for checked shirts in my church. It has also slightly rubbed off on me as well). I think that that was a hashtag before.
But jokes aside, looking back at since I have joined this church, it is hard not to be moved by what is going on in the church. Lives transformed, a real thirst for wanting to know Jesus more. Just these 2 weeks leading up to Easter, we found out that the father of the main pastor of the church is going to be baptised. The pastor then explained the extraordinary story of how his dad came to know Jesus after years of putting him off. On Saturday, we've had our church baptism at the beach just at Port Melbourne beach and it is really something to see the main pastor together with his brother (who also came to know Jesus through the pastor and was also baptised by him) baptising their dad. They came out of a broken family but were made new again in Christ. Despite me not knowing the pastor, his brother or their dad personally, it is hard not to shed a tear seeing this scene.
A little closer to home would be that one of our small group members was also baptised that day. Seeing him move from when he first came to the group as one who did not know Christ and him asking lots of questions about Christianity, coming to faith and being baptised is just amazing. His testimony that was on the next day in church was truly astounding. I've had the pleasure of seeing two of our regulars come to know Christ and baptised and it is a joy for not only them but myself as well.
Having "good looking pastors and leaders" and "funky music" means absolutely nothing without a deep unwavering understanding of God's story and ultimately the man, message and mission of Jesus. That I believe is rooted at the very core of the church team and perhaps even their members. And also good looking (I, of course, am an outlier.).
I'll close with one of the songs that was played at the church baptism. It's not quite the same arrangement but if you can imagine it in a more folky style, you are pretty much there.
PS: Losing my appetite lately. According to the 2 year cycle, it has arrived right on schedule. Next up, more sleepless nights.
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Miserable
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
at
12:13 AM
Les Misérables soundtrack is currently on loop and now thinking of trying to rope people in to watch the musical here in Melbourne. Going to be tough finding tickets. It's one of those things where I kick myself for not being exposed to musicals earlier because there is some real gold in some of them, Les Mis not sparing.
My first encounter with Les Mis was the film version that came out in 2012 and that was full on dramatic. I did not expect that I would be tearing but yet I did. Pretty badly actually. Anne Hathaway as Fantine was so heart wrenching and her remarkable rendition of I Dreamed A Dream just rendered me to tears, best rendition so far by anyone. I was a bit surprised by Amanda Seyfried of her singing abilities, I had always been skeptical about her but she's not bad. And of course, Samantha Barks as Éponine (one of two of my favourite characters). Gosh she is gorgeous and talent to boot. Eddie Redmayne as Marius is easily the best looking guy on the planet and with that voice, wow.
That said, there are a few things that I think didn't really quite work that well. Russell Crowe as Javert is a good cast for the role but doesn't quite cut it when he sang. Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter as the Thénardiers is again a good cast but fell short in the singing.
Hugh Jackman as Jean Valjean is a bit of a mixed bag. Some parts are good like his confrontation with Javert and his death but others like Bring Him Home doesn't quite cut it. And the casting of Gavroche with a heavy British accent is kinda weird.
The interaction between Jean Valjean and Javert has so much meaning that it probably deserves another post just on that, mind blowing stuff there. I remember that when I left the cinema, I thought of how it is a great example of Grace and Law, two major themes in the Bible.
Éponine just struck accord with me, though not with the same amount of tragedy, I hope. Probably no surprise there, hopeless romantic me. Side note: overheard a friend say this, "On a scale of 1 to Éponine, how friendzoned are you?". I thought that was pretty funny.
I'll finish with some of the songs from the musical in various forms, since they are on loop anyway.
Not the whole part of the Confrontation but good enough to say they nailed it. Absolutely nailed it.
Anne Hathaway's version of I Dreamed A Dream. Drives me to tears every time.
In My Life leading to A Heart Full of Love
On My Own
A Little Fall of Rain
One Day More
Do you hear the people sing in 17 countries. Look out for the Iron Chef host
My first encounter with Les Mis was the film version that came out in 2012 and that was full on dramatic. I did not expect that I would be tearing but yet I did. Pretty badly actually. Anne Hathaway as Fantine was so heart wrenching and her remarkable rendition of I Dreamed A Dream just rendered me to tears, best rendition so far by anyone. I was a bit surprised by Amanda Seyfried of her singing abilities, I had always been skeptical about her but she's not bad. And of course, Samantha Barks as Éponine (one of two of my favourite characters). Gosh she is gorgeous and talent to boot. Eddie Redmayne as Marius is easily the best looking guy on the planet and with that voice, wow.
That said, there are a few things that I think didn't really quite work that well. Russell Crowe as Javert is a good cast for the role but doesn't quite cut it when he sang. Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter as the Thénardiers is again a good cast but fell short in the singing.
Hugh Jackman as Jean Valjean is a bit of a mixed bag. Some parts are good like his confrontation with Javert and his death but others like Bring Him Home doesn't quite cut it. And the casting of Gavroche with a heavy British accent is kinda weird.
The interaction between Jean Valjean and Javert has so much meaning that it probably deserves another post just on that, mind blowing stuff there. I remember that when I left the cinema, I thought of how it is a great example of Grace and Law, two major themes in the Bible.
Éponine just struck accord with me, though not with the same amount of tragedy, I hope. Probably no surprise there, hopeless romantic me. Side note: overheard a friend say this, "On a scale of 1 to Éponine, how friendzoned are you?". I thought that was pretty funny.
I'll finish with some of the songs from the musical in various forms, since they are on loop anyway.
Not the whole part of the Confrontation but good enough to say they nailed it. Absolutely nailed it.
Anne Hathaway's version of I Dreamed A Dream. Drives me to tears every time.
In My Life leading to A Heart Full of Love
On My Own
A Little Fall of Rain
One Day More
Do you hear the people sing in 17 countries. Look out for the Iron Chef host
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Calling One's Bluff
Monday, April 14, 2014
at
11:39 PM
Lately I've been reminded of a rare and long conversation that I had with a friend yonks ago. It was quite possibly the longest conversation I've had with this friend and quite possibly the last real conversation I've had with this friend since, I think, my memory might be playing tricks on me.
That conversation stuck with me for a number of reasons, mostly because of contextual reasons but also because it was a unique conversation, one that I never have the pleasure of having with this friend again nor anyone else in my tiny circle of friends. This was the first time that a friend called out what was really going on in my life, straight to the point and gave the no nonsense look. Now normally, I would have given a vague canned response to such questions and sometimes even go to the extent of denying that there was something going on. But this was the first time that I let myself go and see where it leads me. In short, I let myself be vulnerable. But I know that I feel safe, because it took years of friendship to get to this point.
The conversation took its various turns as a conversation should and at the end it was summarised in four words, "You can do it.". The optimism in this friend of mine for others is incredible, always believing in the ability of others but not of own ability. I've even tested that optimism time and time again. Every time the answer was the same, Friend's ability - 1, Mine - 0.
As it turns out, I almost did it but as the greatest philosopher of our time, Jedi Grand Master Yoda, once said, "Do. Or do not. There is no try.". Every ounce in my being wanted to say I told you so but that would be in poor taste. And so, nothing was recorded in history and left to a few fading memories where time will work to and for the destruction of those memories.
Since that conversation, there have been several times where those four words came back to haunt me and in different contexts as well. It has caused many sleepless nights. Conversations like the one that I had with my friend are like a double edged sword, there is great potential for joy but also a great potential for burden.
I wish I could remember everything about that conversation except those four words. But then, it wouldn't have made the conversation particularly interesting. Nor made me remember that this is the only person who saw right through me and called it and I really appreciated that. Nor made me think that all these sleepless nights is going to be useful somehow someday.
Rats.
PS: This has been incredibly useful on my Ikea-hacked stand up desk.
PSS: To all of you, DFTBA!
That conversation stuck with me for a number of reasons, mostly because of contextual reasons but also because it was a unique conversation, one that I never have the pleasure of having with this friend again nor anyone else in my tiny circle of friends. This was the first time that a friend called out what was really going on in my life, straight to the point and gave the no nonsense look. Now normally, I would have given a vague canned response to such questions and sometimes even go to the extent of denying that there was something going on. But this was the first time that I let myself go and see where it leads me. In short, I let myself be vulnerable. But I know that I feel safe, because it took years of friendship to get to this point.
The conversation took its various turns as a conversation should and at the end it was summarised in four words, "You can do it.". The optimism in this friend of mine for others is incredible, always believing in the ability of others but not of own ability. I've even tested that optimism time and time again. Every time the answer was the same, Friend's ability - 1, Mine - 0.
As it turns out, I almost did it but as the greatest philosopher of our time, Jedi Grand Master Yoda, once said, "Do. Or do not. There is no try.". Every ounce in my being wanted to say I told you so but that would be in poor taste. And so, nothing was recorded in history and left to a few fading memories where time will work to and for the destruction of those memories.
Since that conversation, there have been several times where those four words came back to haunt me and in different contexts as well. It has caused many sleepless nights. Conversations like the one that I had with my friend are like a double edged sword, there is great potential for joy but also a great potential for burden.
I wish I could remember everything about that conversation except those four words. But then, it wouldn't have made the conversation particularly interesting. Nor made me remember that this is the only person who saw right through me and called it and I really appreciated that. Nor made me think that all these sleepless nights is going to be useful somehow someday.
Rats.
PS: This has been incredibly useful on my Ikea-hacked stand up desk.
PSS: To all of you, DFTBA!
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Experiences
Sunday, April 6, 2014
at
9:55 PM
As part of my usual 2 year downward spiral cycle of thinking how incredibly stupid I am, thinking why on Earth did I do that and smacking my head on the wall (or something solid nearby) and wallowing in my own self depreciation, which starts right about now actually, it is only fitting that I am made to think about my past experiences or lack thereof and how that has affected me as a person.
I have to say that I live a very non-happening life because mainly I have been focused on one thing and one thing only in my younger days, to get a PhD and to start teaching in universities. Because of this, I took of classes on advanced math, set myself up on track to be doing research. Coupled with the fact that I am a poor international student, everything was subject to scrutiny if any money was to go out of my pocket. So very little things I have done, spent many days in my room travelling the far corners of the internet (mostly about cats) and my ridiculous blogging (it's still ridiculous, by the way). I thought that I could endure all of this in order that I may get what I came here for, then I can enjoy the things that Melbourne can offer. At the rate I was going, I thought I was invincible and it was a matter of time that I will achieve what I set myself out to do.
Then in a twinkling, everything departed from me. The career that I once sought after that I thought I was so sure that I was going to do it disintegrated before my eyes. Relationships cracked, fractured and eventually caved in to the pressures of saving the thing that I wanted the most. I once had a conversation with a high school friend visiting Melbourne at that time and after telling him about my experiences, he promptly rebuked me and of course I didn't really listen. I had everything rationalised and while some of it was definitely my fault but surely not this thing that my friend rebuked me for. Years later, I finally realised that he was right, but that is for another story.
But I went on, now trying this new field and again saving what was left of a chance to be doing something meaningful. And of course be paid for that. But that came at a cost of 2 years of being a poor international student again. But even after that, I still stayed the same, not going out and explore the outdoors, go on adventures, trips to see various parts of the world and so on.
I am now beginning to feel the effects of that now. I've been talking to a friend and she is really living the life. Despite the fact that she is busy finishing her specialist training and thinking about whether she is going to continue to do her PhD in the area, she has done precisely the opposite of what I have done. Well traveled and well explored locally, the wealth of experiences that she has accumulated is just amazing. And that has a very deep impact on how she lives and views life. She has made time for enjoying the things that are around while still keeping a great career.
Basically this is me saying that I have the FOMO syndrome. I wonder, would I be a different person had I done what she did early on? I suspect not because I would still be a jerk and an idiot, just less of it. And now that I am approaching the next version update to 3.0, quarter life crisis #3 is well on the way, and now thinking about what have I missed. What am I to do? You know, all part of being 30. Maybe just the singles. Maybe just me.
On the bright side, if the trend is right, I will only have to endure another cycle after this one is over. Yay to being 33!
PS. Expect that there will be more incoherent blog posts in the future. It's just a phase.
I have to say that I live a very non-happening life because mainly I have been focused on one thing and one thing only in my younger days, to get a PhD and to start teaching in universities. Because of this, I took of classes on advanced math, set myself up on track to be doing research. Coupled with the fact that I am a poor international student, everything was subject to scrutiny if any money was to go out of my pocket. So very little things I have done, spent many days in my room travelling the far corners of the internet (mostly about cats) and my ridiculous blogging (it's still ridiculous, by the way). I thought that I could endure all of this in order that I may get what I came here for, then I can enjoy the things that Melbourne can offer. At the rate I was going, I thought I was invincible and it was a matter of time that I will achieve what I set myself out to do.
Then in a twinkling, everything departed from me. The career that I once sought after that I thought I was so sure that I was going to do it disintegrated before my eyes. Relationships cracked, fractured and eventually caved in to the pressures of saving the thing that I wanted the most. I once had a conversation with a high school friend visiting Melbourne at that time and after telling him about my experiences, he promptly rebuked me and of course I didn't really listen. I had everything rationalised and while some of it was definitely my fault but surely not this thing that my friend rebuked me for. Years later, I finally realised that he was right, but that is for another story.
But I went on, now trying this new field and again saving what was left of a chance to be doing something meaningful. And of course be paid for that. But that came at a cost of 2 years of being a poor international student again. But even after that, I still stayed the same, not going out and explore the outdoors, go on adventures, trips to see various parts of the world and so on.
I am now beginning to feel the effects of that now. I've been talking to a friend and she is really living the life. Despite the fact that she is busy finishing her specialist training and thinking about whether she is going to continue to do her PhD in the area, she has done precisely the opposite of what I have done. Well traveled and well explored locally, the wealth of experiences that she has accumulated is just amazing. And that has a very deep impact on how she lives and views life. She has made time for enjoying the things that are around while still keeping a great career.
Basically this is me saying that I have the FOMO syndrome. I wonder, would I be a different person had I done what she did early on? I suspect not because I would still be a jerk and an idiot, just less of it. And now that I am approaching the next version update to 3.0, quarter life crisis #3 is well on the way, and now thinking about what have I missed. What am I to do? You know, all part of being 30. Maybe just the singles. Maybe just me.
On the bright side, if the trend is right, I will only have to endure another cycle after this one is over. Yay to being 33!
PS. Expect that there will be more incoherent blog posts in the future. It's just a phase.
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