It's hard for me to be happy about anything these days. It's a very weird state to be in, especially in the midst of an existential crisis. Besides the questions of identity and purpose, the question of what should I be happy about also come to mind. I'm not depressed though some form of depression do creep in from time to time nor am I grumpy but I'm not happy about anything either. I just, am. Just the thought of that drives me insane.
They say happiness rides on human emotion and is about as stable as ocean waters. And what really matters is contentment where I have enough for my daily needs and does not depend on the inherent instability of emotions. But there must be a kind of joy experienced by someone who is content, one that does involve the emotions but not based on it. It is precisely this joy that I lack or have not fully come to terms with it.
I am somewhat glad that I am not the only one in this household that is going through this phase. Also because we are the only single ones in the house, which is about right given our age. Singles, or in the words of a friend, "kesian singles", hit this phase pretty early on and pretty much all of them do. The married people experience it much later, if at all, during the so called mid-life crisis or after retirement. It's good to know that someone else is in the same, often reclusive stage as myself.
At the end of the day, I just want to know what does happiness in contentment look like, what does it feel like. Because I am certainly content, I'm just not very happy about everything including myself. Or rather I'm just very neutral on the angry-happy scale. And I know this is not quite right.
Half Full/Half Empty
Sunday, March 17, 2013
at
5:14 PM
Optimism and pessimism can be a pain sometimes. I am naturally pessimistic about anything I do or my abilities (no confidence) and I am naturally optimistic about the future of anything or anyone (confidence) but my own. I get panic fits just thinking about whether should I be optimistic or pessimistic. Even worse is that I oscillate between one or the other and feeds back into the anxiety that I already hold and amplify it. It's hard to just see things objectively about the unknown. That the glass is just half. No mention of being empty or full. Just half.
I like it that way.
I like it that way.
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Waiting Game
Sunday, March 10, 2013
at
11:47 PM
It's not everyday that a once in a lifetime opportunity comes knocking at your door. Rarer still if you did absolutely nothing for that. Now it is at the final stage where I wait for a simple answer, yes or no. And when I stop and think about it, it is nothing short of amazing how on earth I got into this position. It was the smoothest process I've had to endure, many things that could have gotten wrong or the door slammed shut simply did not happen, yet. But whatever the outcome, that was one heck of a ride.
And so I wait.
And so I wait.
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Tales from Not-So Afar
Thursday, January 24, 2013
at
6:00 AM
50-50
The 9 days I spent in Singapore was a heck a lot of fun. During those days, met up with a lot of people, both former high schoolmates and former OCFers. All of them gave me my dose of comic relief. I seriously think that Singaporeans are the funniest people whether they know it or not. Or rather, Singaporeans say and do the darnest things. The best was an incident regarding a slow cooker. So good was the laugh that my friend who was with me had to apologise on behalf of Singaporeans.
The other common theme was the constant "nagging" of coming to Singapore to work from friends. There are a lot of things that I like about Singapore. In many ways they are playing catch-up with the Melbourne culture which is great. Many times I thought to myself that I can get used to Singapore. It feels comfortable. But I know that there are other problems lurking beneath as mentioned by my fellow Singaporean friends. In the line of work that I am looking into if I do decide to come here and work, there are plenty of issues that I may not want to get into. Work culture is another turn off. It kinda made a little bit of sense that Singapore regularly shows up as one of the unhappiest nation.
And so I still remain divided. It's another one of those cases whether the grass is greener on the other side. More often that not, it's still the same shade of green except a different kind of grass.
Geography and History Lesson
First visit to a South East Asian country apart from my home country and Singapore. Phnom Penh was an interesting city in that it kinda reminded me of old Penang mixed with a rural town. After going to the sites made famous during the Khmer Rouge reign in the mid-70s, it is very hard to not be moved by it. War sets back the progress of a nation by at least a generation, Cambodia is no exception. Much has progressed since the end of the war but you still see many of the consequences of war still present.
After visiting the killing fields of the Khmer Rouge, one can't help but think that this is a more heinous act of genocide than the Holocaust. I am not trying to water down what happened during the Holocaust, it's still a brutal act. But it's one thing to eradicate people of a different nation but it's another thing to eradicate your own people. It is said that every person in Cambodia has known at least one person within the family who have died at the hand of the Khmer Rouge during its 3 year reign. The many ways in which these people died seem to be more brutal and savage than what the Third Reich did to the Jews. The seemingly greater injustice was that when the Khmer Rouge were eventually toppled, most of the Khmer Rouge including the leader Pol Pot, lived to ripe old ages. They even died of old age, free from wrath of a nation persecuted from one of its own.
Angkor Wat was everything I've heard and more. It was massive and even more amazing when seen in person. The detail in its architecture was nothing short of phenomenal. And Angkor Wat is just the most well known of the temples around. There are hundreds more of varying size with the same kind of attention to detail. One can imagine what it must have felt when the first explorers stumbled upon this area centuries after it was abandoned.
Tonle Sap Lake appeared in much of our geography textbooks in Form 3 and seem to provide everything. A visit there turns out to be rightfully so. It may not look like much but fish caught here are sold all over the country. You may even mistake it for an ocean because doesn't appear to be surrounded by land.
The 9 days I spent in Singapore was a heck a lot of fun. During those days, met up with a lot of people, both former high schoolmates and former OCFers. All of them gave me my dose of comic relief. I seriously think that Singaporeans are the funniest people whether they know it or not. Or rather, Singaporeans say and do the darnest things. The best was an incident regarding a slow cooker. So good was the laugh that my friend who was with me had to apologise on behalf of Singaporeans.
The other common theme was the constant "nagging" of coming to Singapore to work from friends. There are a lot of things that I like about Singapore. In many ways they are playing catch-up with the Melbourne culture which is great. Many times I thought to myself that I can get used to Singapore. It feels comfortable. But I know that there are other problems lurking beneath as mentioned by my fellow Singaporean friends. In the line of work that I am looking into if I do decide to come here and work, there are plenty of issues that I may not want to get into. Work culture is another turn off. It kinda made a little bit of sense that Singapore regularly shows up as one of the unhappiest nation.
And so I still remain divided. It's another one of those cases whether the grass is greener on the other side. More often that not, it's still the same shade of green except a different kind of grass.
Geography and History Lesson
First visit to a South East Asian country apart from my home country and Singapore. Phnom Penh was an interesting city in that it kinda reminded me of old Penang mixed with a rural town. After going to the sites made famous during the Khmer Rouge reign in the mid-70s, it is very hard to not be moved by it. War sets back the progress of a nation by at least a generation, Cambodia is no exception. Much has progressed since the end of the war but you still see many of the consequences of war still present.
After visiting the killing fields of the Khmer Rouge, one can't help but think that this is a more heinous act of genocide than the Holocaust. I am not trying to water down what happened during the Holocaust, it's still a brutal act. But it's one thing to eradicate people of a different nation but it's another thing to eradicate your own people. It is said that every person in Cambodia has known at least one person within the family who have died at the hand of the Khmer Rouge during its 3 year reign. The many ways in which these people died seem to be more brutal and savage than what the Third Reich did to the Jews. The seemingly greater injustice was that when the Khmer Rouge were eventually toppled, most of the Khmer Rouge including the leader Pol Pot, lived to ripe old ages. They even died of old age, free from wrath of a nation persecuted from one of its own.
Angkor Wat was everything I've heard and more. It was massive and even more amazing when seen in person. The detail in its architecture was nothing short of phenomenal. And Angkor Wat is just the most well known of the temples around. There are hundreds more of varying size with the same kind of attention to detail. One can imagine what it must have felt when the first explorers stumbled upon this area centuries after it was abandoned.
Tonle Sap Lake appeared in much of our geography textbooks in Form 3 and seem to provide everything. A visit there turns out to be rightfully so. It may not look like much but fish caught here are sold all over the country. You may even mistake it for an ocean because doesn't appear to be surrounded by land.
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Time Line
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
at
2:30 AM
Past
Present
Future
- Highly blessed by church and bible study group.
- Tremendous growth at work.
- Acted silly and depressed.
- Rediscovering the meaning of community.
- Steeling myself to stop my ridiculous behaviour. I've indulged in it long enough.
- Enjoying home in ways I never thought I would.
Future
- Take up a new ministry (or rather same same but different ministry).
- Pick up the things I used to know. Language, math, friends.
- Go to less weddings.
Not-so-distant future
33 years old. It's a good time to stop. Almost poetic, I'd say.
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A Christmas Musing
Sunday, December 30, 2012
at
6:00 AM
I wonder how many of us have spent Christmas alone. Or at least with people who you don't know. Most of us, I think, dread at that very idea of spending what is deemed to be the most joyous of all holidays alone. Some can't even fathom what that must be like.
This was the only time that I actually did that. No Christmas with family, no Christmas with friends. Nada. Instead I randomly appeared at a stranger's place, whose invitation flyers were set out on a table outside church, with zero expectation on who is going to be there. Though there were few of us, it was a good experience for me. In fact, it has given me a lot to think about.
The Christmas meal was simple, mostly store bought food. The people came from different backgrounds, with different experiences. One who clearly has lots of questions about Christianity, a couple who met each other literally on the other end of the world and the host who is a volunteer, part time software developer and single in his 60s. Lots of fascinating things thrown around the table as we moved from being strangers to acquaintances. Their life experiences have given me lots to think about.
"God knows that you are not ready" was the one that struck me the most and the most humbling. Of all the head knowledge I have accumulated that would have told me to trust in His timing, it hit me the hardest coming from a stranger. In fact, I believe that it has been the theme throughout my life this year. God's timing. I'm beginning to see more of that.
Life long community service was the other thing that struck me. At some point in time, I should really be preparing myself for this. It used to be lurking at the back of my head but as time goes by, it has been beginning to place itself in conscious thought. Maybe not serious enough but given enough time, it will have to be.
These two things are somewhat coupled to each other.
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Very well done short, which also makes a good intro to starting church, as did mine.
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The Forgotten Man
Thursday, December 6, 2012
at
2:30 AM
I was at a friend's wedding and when I arrived it was about the time when the bride was going to come out of the venue (it was an outdoor wedding). You see everyone chit-chatting, looking all smart and sharp for the guys and the women were all looking wonderful in their bright dresses. Everyone was waiting for the main event.
And then the announcement was made. The bridal party is ready and the ceremony is about to start. Everyone took position and stood up to welcome the bride. The music begins to play and as the bridesmaids slowly walked to the altar, eyes are staring at the door patiently waiting. I stood at what I would describe as the best position for this particular wedding. Way at the back, the tree branches stooping low, relatively shorter people in front of me. Framed by the branches and the people is the groom and he smiles at the bridesmaids knowing what is to come next. Finally the bride enters and everyone starts whipping out their cameras, iPhones and the rare iPad and starts taking photos of the bride. This man here did no such thing but instead took a mental image that would be etched in my memory.
The groom's face shone with delight.
I was first introduced to this idea of watching the groom at a wedding after I watched the film 27 Dresses. I've only really watched it for the eye candy that was Katherine Heigl but I've also brought back a concept that I did not consider at all from the film. Watching my friend beamed as his wife walked down the aisle was magical, as stated in the conversations in the film. And like the film, just when everyone looks at the bride, I turn to look at the groom. And true enough, just like what Jane said, I saw pure love.
In the three weddings that I have been to since watching that film, I did just that, to stare at the first reactions of the groom as the bride walks in. All three of them were wildly different but they all say the same thing. I may have been desensitised by almost being surrounded by dresses while living with my sister and have her bride-to-be clients come in and out for fittings. I would like to see, in being a groomsman, what sort of things the groom goes through in the weeks before the wedding or even the day itself though I never was a groomsman. There's always been a lot of care around the bride which is fine but I would like to see some sort of the same care for the groom as well. We seem to have this idea that the groom will be fine, that he is "man" enough even in the face of his own wedding, whatever that means. But if it is anything like the last three weddings I've been to, the man is hardly tough as nails but a deeply emotional person who weeps in joy at the sight of his partner.
Dusty Springfield and Nat King Cole speaks of the look of love is in the eyes. And I think you don't have to look further than the way the groom watching his bride walking down the aisle. It may be that I may never experience this myself but at least I know what it looks like. And that's perhaps all I'll ever need to know.
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Also, there is no way a groom will not get teary when this is playing as the entrance music. My friend certainly did. I mean I would bawl my eyes out too if I were in his shoes. Excuse me while I curl up in a corner somewhere...
And then the announcement was made. The bridal party is ready and the ceremony is about to start. Everyone took position and stood up to welcome the bride. The music begins to play and as the bridesmaids slowly walked to the altar, eyes are staring at the door patiently waiting. I stood at what I would describe as the best position for this particular wedding. Way at the back, the tree branches stooping low, relatively shorter people in front of me. Framed by the branches and the people is the groom and he smiles at the bridesmaids knowing what is to come next. Finally the bride enters and everyone starts whipping out their cameras, iPhones and the rare iPad and starts taking photos of the bride. This man here did no such thing but instead took a mental image that would be etched in my memory.
The groom's face shone with delight.
I was first introduced to this idea of watching the groom at a wedding after I watched the film 27 Dresses. I've only really watched it for the eye candy that was Katherine Heigl but I've also brought back a concept that I did not consider at all from the film. Watching my friend beamed as his wife walked down the aisle was magical, as stated in the conversations in the film. And like the film, just when everyone looks at the bride, I turn to look at the groom. And true enough, just like what Jane said, I saw pure love.
In the three weddings that I have been to since watching that film, I did just that, to stare at the first reactions of the groom as the bride walks in. All three of them were wildly different but they all say the same thing. I may have been desensitised by almost being surrounded by dresses while living with my sister and have her bride-to-be clients come in and out for fittings. I would like to see, in being a groomsman, what sort of things the groom goes through in the weeks before the wedding or even the day itself though I never was a groomsman. There's always been a lot of care around the bride which is fine but I would like to see some sort of the same care for the groom as well. We seem to have this idea that the groom will be fine, that he is "man" enough even in the face of his own wedding, whatever that means. But if it is anything like the last three weddings I've been to, the man is hardly tough as nails but a deeply emotional person who weeps in joy at the sight of his partner.
Dusty Springfield and Nat King Cole speaks of the look of love is in the eyes. And I think you don't have to look further than the way the groom watching his bride walking down the aisle. It may be that I may never experience this myself but at least I know what it looks like. And that's perhaps all I'll ever need to know.
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Also, there is no way a groom will not get teary when this is playing as the entrance music. My friend certainly did. I mean I would bawl my eyes out too if I were in his shoes. Excuse me while I curl up in a corner somewhere...
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