Today has shown even more evidence that I do not feel happy about anything anymore. I have been presented with very wonderful news from a good friend...and nothing. Obviously I show the signs of external elation but deep down, nothing more than a fizzle. I must say that I feel very honoured and privileged to be one of the few people to know about it. Either that or I am just very lucky to hear of it. Despite hearing this, I show all the signs of being extremely happy but I know that I am just plain lying.
Why is it that I cannot feel happiness for others any more? My only guess is that I am actually unhappy about myself and I cannot translate that self-unhappiness into happiness for others. Perhaps in my subconscious level that I am struggling with something and that this struggle is inhibiting me from not focusing on myself. Well actually that is a lie too, I do know what I am struggling with but that is subject for another conversation.
Thinking about all of this and how I have felt in the past several years, I think my main sin is self-pity. That may come across as something strange to most people but self-pity is actually a very comfortable if not slightly miserable place to be in. There is nothing good about me, nothing special that I have. Which I think is a bit funny because before God broke me back in 2008, he was dealing with my sin of pride. That everything can and will be achievable by my efforts, I have planned everything out because I know it was the most natural thing to do. I was good at it. Now it seems that I have swung in the complete opposite. Perhaps what I am experiencing is God's hand at correcting me of my self-pity and I feel it is just the beginning.
Who knows how long this correction might take. If it is anything like my last correction, it will take years. All I do know is that my prayers have become, for a lack of a better phrase, more desperate, more fervent. Because no one likes to be in this position and there is got to be something better than this.
9,192,631,770 Swings
Saturday, April 27, 2013
at
12:51 AM
Hanging out with some friends during ANZAC day was something that I haven't truly done a long time. Just having lots of laughs, playing games and eating junk food all day. I can remember 3-4 years ago when this was pretty much happening every week but due to the course of lives being played out over the years, I'd be fortunate to have it once every two months. And yet, despite the fun that I still had, it still doesn't feel the same anymore. It's becoming harder and harder to have hangouts anymore for somewhat obvious reasons. Everything becomes so transient and, at the risk of sounding very self-centred, not feeling valued by people around anymore. My personal pursuits have been diminished and often feels very meaningless, like my current phase of finding the right mechanical keyboard. Time grows slow during the weekends and fast during the weekdays. Everything just feels so...bleh.
But I have to hope that something good will come my way and try and take on whatever opportunities that have been presented. I just have to. Because otherwise it's just too depressing.
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At a conversation recently, I was asked whether I find couples boring. I thought it was such a strange question to ask. It sounds as though I am some kind of a thrill seeker, something that will grab my attention like a hyperactive dog or a cat trying to chase a red laser dot. All I want is just to be comfortable and in good company. The trouble I find with couples is that I'm never in both states at the same time, and sometimes, in neither. For the record, there are very few things that I find boring. Yes, not even cricket.
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If there were such a thing as a biological clock for guys, I am definitely feeling it now. All thanks to that little hangout with some friends during ANZAC day. In the meaning time, it is worth while pondering the line that comes from the current Most Awesome Woman on the Intertubes, Jane:
Apologies for the interleaved Malay and English in the video above.
But I have to hope that something good will come my way and try and take on whatever opportunities that have been presented. I just have to. Because otherwise it's just too depressing.
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At a conversation recently, I was asked whether I find couples boring. I thought it was such a strange question to ask. It sounds as though I am some kind of a thrill seeker, something that will grab my attention like a hyperactive dog or a cat trying to chase a red laser dot. All I want is just to be comfortable and in good company. The trouble I find with couples is that I'm never in both states at the same time, and sometimes, in neither. For the record, there are very few things that I find boring. Yes, not even cricket.
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If there were such a thing as a biological clock for guys, I am definitely feeling it now. All thanks to that little hangout with some friends during ANZAC day. In the meaning time, it is worth while pondering the line that comes from the current Most Awesome Woman on the Intertubes, Jane:
It is better to be single for stupid reasons than to be married for stupid reasons.
Apologies for the interleaved Malay and English in the video above.
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The Greatest Bass Player In The World
Thursday, April 18, 2013
at
12:32 AM
After reading the biography part of the book Standing In The Shadows of Motown, I've grown to respect James Jamerson even more. Not only was he a person with extraordinary talent on the bass, but he was also quite a character. He is a character that I can totally identify with, a little weird, generous, a family man, a behind-the-scenes man, a forgive-and-forget bass player. And then there are other attributes that I'm not, short fused, severe alcoholic (maybe just a little bit for me on this one) and few more. In short he is a well rounded character.
But one person that I think should deserve more credit than what is stated on paper is actually his wife. Most people generally credited her (and their children) as the anchor to the sometimes turbulent soul that resides in James. Given the history that James have had over the course of his career, her support really deserves a lot more mention. And unlike lots of celebrity stories, James never divorced and still loved his wife until he passed away. Often they would have disagreements or sometimes worse but they still somehow manage to hold the fort together.
You don't hear that very often these days. People get very cynical about marriage considering the how common it is to hear people getting divorced due to "irreconcilable differences". More stories like this needs to be out there and not just the genius that comes with people like James.
Oh, and the reason why James deserve that title are for bass lines like these back in a time where it is inconceivable to think of something like these:
But one person that I think should deserve more credit than what is stated on paper is actually his wife. Most people generally credited her (and their children) as the anchor to the sometimes turbulent soul that resides in James. Given the history that James have had over the course of his career, her support really deserves a lot more mention. And unlike lots of celebrity stories, James never divorced and still loved his wife until he passed away. Often they would have disagreements or sometimes worse but they still somehow manage to hold the fort together.
You don't hear that very often these days. People get very cynical about marriage considering the how common it is to hear people getting divorced due to "irreconcilable differences". More stories like this needs to be out there and not just the genius that comes with people like James.
Oh, and the reason why James deserve that title are for bass lines like these back in a time where it is inconceivable to think of something like these:
Darling Dear - Jackson 5
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Joy
Saturday, April 13, 2013
at
11:59 PM
One of those times where you were almost sure that some events can't be coincidences. Wrestling about what joy looks like as stated in the last post, a new insight just came while jumping on the Youtube train from one song to another in preparation for playing music in church tomorrow. I will leave it to the video below and an excerpt to explain.
Warning: this is a seemingly contradictory, very emotionally heavy song most Christians would have been familiar with that you are going to wrap your head around. I urge you to watch it, but prepare yourselves.
Joy for me is no longer a feeling but an attitude and it is something that I have to fight for in the midst of my grief. And some days I'll fight and I'll succeed. And other days I'll fight and I won't. I think God really understands that process and that He is ok with that, He grieves with us in our sadness, but He also comforts us.
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Existential+
Sunday, April 7, 2013
at
5:32 PM
It's hard for me to be happy about anything these days. It's a very weird state to be in, especially in the midst of an existential crisis. Besides the questions of identity and purpose, the question of what should I be happy about also come to mind. I'm not depressed though some form of depression do creep in from time to time nor am I grumpy but I'm not happy about anything either. I just, am. Just the thought of that drives me insane.
They say happiness rides on human emotion and is about as stable as ocean waters. And what really matters is contentment where I have enough for my daily needs and does not depend on the inherent instability of emotions. But there must be a kind of joy experienced by someone who is content, one that does involve the emotions but not based on it. It is precisely this joy that I lack or have not fully come to terms with it.
I am somewhat glad that I am not the only one in this household that is going through this phase. Also because we are the only single ones in the house, which is about right given our age. Singles, or in the words of a friend, "kesian singles", hit this phase pretty early on and pretty much all of them do. The married people experience it much later, if at all, during the so called mid-life crisis or after retirement. It's good to know that someone else is in the same, often reclusive stage as myself.
At the end of the day, I just want to know what does happiness in contentment look like, what does it feel like. Because I am certainly content, I'm just not very happy about everything including myself. Or rather I'm just very neutral on the angry-happy scale. And I know this is not quite right.
They say happiness rides on human emotion and is about as stable as ocean waters. And what really matters is contentment where I have enough for my daily needs and does not depend on the inherent instability of emotions. But there must be a kind of joy experienced by someone who is content, one that does involve the emotions but not based on it. It is precisely this joy that I lack or have not fully come to terms with it.
I am somewhat glad that I am not the only one in this household that is going through this phase. Also because we are the only single ones in the house, which is about right given our age. Singles, or in the words of a friend, "kesian singles", hit this phase pretty early on and pretty much all of them do. The married people experience it much later, if at all, during the so called mid-life crisis or after retirement. It's good to know that someone else is in the same, often reclusive stage as myself.
At the end of the day, I just want to know what does happiness in contentment look like, what does it feel like. Because I am certainly content, I'm just not very happy about everything including myself. Or rather I'm just very neutral on the angry-happy scale. And I know this is not quite right.
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