A in Q & A

Monday, September 24, 2012 at 2:00 AM | Posted by Juwen
For many moons I have long contemplated about what is the point of going through so much strife during my PhD years. What good can come out of it? And every time I had to explain to people why my PhD failed, I revisit this question at the end of the day after the said conversation is long over. And though I have made my peace long ago, it still sometimes hurt to hear myself talk again about it. Bonus hurt points if one person mentions the line "So, in the effort of saving one, you ended up losing both". I've asked God many times then and occasionally now, Why?

God has instead shown me this path I'm on which is great but my questions were still left unanswered. I've accumulated many theoretical answers about the question of Why but none has really shown itself to me. You've always known that God is sovereign and every thing will work out in the end but you just don't see it. And it is very tempting to say that all this talk is just rubbish, that every thing will not work out in the end and perhaps the worse thing, is that God is not sovereign. We even sing songs about God's timing and sometimes I can't help but feel it deep down that I'm not sure of all of this.

Recently I had a talk with a friend who I have not seen for quite some time and the topic of my PhD years was asked of me. I gladly stated the whole story also knowing that I am going to revisit this question some time later as usual. But this one was different. It soon became immediately clear that whatever I faced during my PhD years this friend of mine was facing or will face, though this person is in a PhD program yet. Slowly the emotional weight of what this person was carrying was made known and the resemblance was so similiar to mine that it actually felt like it was mine. So I gave my advice and you know, it may not be much but it certainly comforted my friend a lot. We prayed before we left knowing very well my friend had a lot to think about but certainly felt a lot better leaving than coming in.

Call it coincidence, serendipity, fate and what not but that encounter to me was proof enough that this was the reason I went through so much strife in my PhD years. For the first time I get to see what does it actually mean for God to be sovereign. Another bonus is that it is also helping me with my other struggles as well. I am very thankful for that.

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Other people around me are doing well, have good things going for them. I would like to have them as well but I pray for contentness.

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Made Good, For Better

Tuesday, September 11, 2012 at 12:00 AM | Posted by Juwen
I recently went for a series of talks organised by Ridley College on answering some of our generation's toughest questions and I have to say I was glad that I went for all of them. It was pretty much post-ski trip outings except instead of slaloming down snow capped mountains, it's slaloming through a mine field of tough questions. The one thing that I found to be quite unique with this series of talks is that it's not trying to make Christianity the superior option by beating everything else down. It uses, I think, a more effective way, level the playing field and post the invitation. As I sat through the rest of the talks, all I could think of is this is what the phrase "defending the faith" is really like. This is probably one place where the age-old term "the best defence is a good offence" doesn't quite apply.

 Hopefully in the coming days, the recordings of those talks will be up because there are too many things to get a hold on in just about half an hour each session. Not only was it the first real attempt to answering some of my questions satisfactorily but it also answered some of my other questions which I did not expect to be addressed. For some, it helped lighten my burden I've been carrying this year. For most, it was a great refreshment. And what happens after that was good fellowship, something that hardly came by in the past couple of years.

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I came back yesterday to find that my past two posts went up by 50% in readership in one day. On the slowest day of the week. I nearly fell off my chair because of that. Then I realised that my headlines may have something to do with it. Ish.

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Please Ignore This

Monday, September 3, 2012 at 12:00 AM | Posted by Juwen
This week was probably one of the hardest weeks for me emotionally in recent times. Just when I thought getting out of the massive project last week was going to give me rest.

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I count myself as extremely fortunate to have met people who I would classify as seriously awesome people and call them as friends. I wonder from time to time what did I do to deserve this of which I can clearly answer with a big fat Nothing. And sometimes that worries me.

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It seems that no matter where I go and who I am with, there is always something to remind of my struggles. I'm not sure if that is a kind of taunting/accusation where I screwed everything up and this is what I could be having if I didn't or an imperative like that of a far superior boxer knocked you out and asks you to give up and don't come back and you are going to accept it as he walks away in dramatic style. This reminder is a slow and painful one to ride out and usually by the time it actually lingers out, another one comes in. It's enough for me to hit my head on the wall several times a day.

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Making new friends is a phenomenal task for me to do. Because often I have to break into already established groups and the amount of energy I need to expend is tremendous. Some groups are easier to break in than others of which I can say it has been easier with the current group. But there is another problem that I have to deal with which actually involves everyone and obviously more so for new people, letting them in my space. Because I am always afraid of what they might find. Heck, I don't even let some friends in.

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You know what is the worst thing about personal change? That by the time you act on the change, it's past the window of opportunity and whatever benefits that comes as a result of the said change becomes futile. 

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Film. I need to watch more films. I also need to watch more films alone.

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I once mentioned to someone that there is a John Mayer song for every occasion. So far that hasn't been wrong yet. Born and Raised has encompassed even more and has certainly encompassed some of my things recently.

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